[The First Halloween: October 31, 17 A.D.]
KID: I’m hungry
DAD: Go ask the neighbour for food
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*wakes up in hospital*
What happened?
“It was a heart attack”
Will I be ok?
*a big heart outside slowly taps on window with a bat*
“No”
The human body is a vehicle transporting food from the refrigerator to the toilet.
[4:30am]
ME: *shifts slightly in bed*
DOG: *races across house* IS IT TIME TO GO OUT NOW?
It’s so windy, my dog keeps stopping, looking back at me and dropping that “you gonna fix this shit?” look.
Me: *finally asleep*
Raccoons: Let’s have a rave on the deck and scare the shit out of her at 4am!
People keep wishing January was over like the worst month of the year isn’t coming up next. Thats like wishing someone would stop arguing with you and just punch you in the face.
Twitter is my favorite MMORPG ever. I just say nasty shit and then I get to collect awesome people like experience points.
I’ve had 3 new bosses at work in the last 6 months.
I wonder when they’re going to bring me in for questioning.
I should move the bodies.
“Oh you just put lotion on?
You’re not going anywhere.”
– Doorknob
Wouldn’t be mad at all if I found this instead of staples
I didn’t come here to be called names
And then I heard my mother’s voice come out of my mouth like a demonic possession, “Get your hands off my breakable ornaments!”
Dogs: I could vomit on the vinyl floor but this carpet two inches to the right seems better
So Ive started a sarcasm club.
It would mean the world to me if you joined.
My fear of ascending to the top of shopping malls is escalating.
I guess if macaroni had to be named after a body part, elbow was better than some other options.
*death metal voice*
BUTTERRRRRR
[Day 5]
GOD: What do you think?
ANGEL: You’re tired. Why don’t we try making the birds tomorrow.
“Doc, my boyfriend & I don’t wanna get pregnant. He hates condoms & I think the jelly isn’t working.”
“What kind are you using?”
“Grape”
Oh the things you don’t know you agreed to when pressing “accept” on the internet…
I love it when people use completely innocuous, random objects as an insult but I am no good at it, “you complete and utter mango!” “What a total pillowcase!” See!?
[i go to the aquarium wearing my cowboy boots and hat] “can we get extra security at the seahorse exhibit? yeah, he’s here again.”
everytime IT tells me to clear my cache and cookies i imagine giving away my money and treats
This new flavor of Pringles is horrible. First of all, they aren’t even cut up. Secondly, they taste like tennis balls.
Internet Company: What are your hours of availability so we can do your installation?
Me: Between 8am and 12pm
Internet Company: Great, we’ll be there between 12pm and 6pm
[we both wake up in a panic]
her: i dreamed you died
me: I DREAMED YOU LEFT ME ALONE AT THE GROCERY CHECKOUT LINE TO GRAB ANOTHER ITEM
I had dreams. I wanted to be the heiress on the terrace. Instead I’m the grouch on the couch.
[washing my hands in the blood of my enemies] *counting to 20 in my head*
I enjoy romantic scrolls up and down your timeline.
Is it too late to drop myself off at the fire station?