Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

I grew up in the 70s. If there was a bowl of fruit on the kitchen table it was made out of plastic and lead paint

I’m at my neighbor’s house having a delicious dinner. Hope I finish before they get home.

you know the joke for kids that goes like this?:

“what do you call an alligator in a vest?”
“an investigator.”

well, i think i just wrote a new one that goes like this:

“what do you call a duck who’s a detective?”
“deductive.”

BONUS: a detective IS an investigator.

barbara was highly relatable

blade runner wouldn’t drive anything bc then he’d be blade driver y’all are so stupid.

[Commercial for narrators]

Narrator: Don’t you wish someone would tell you important information in a soothing voice? NARRATORS

Marriage: an institution where having to slightly adjust your mirrors every time you get in your car puts you in a homicidal rage.

Him: It’s pretty loud, do you maybe want to get out of here?

Me: Oh my god. Yes, absolutely [grabbing my coat and standing up] ok bye have a nice night

my 23 y/o boyfriend: have you heard this band? *turns on the beatles*

Disgruntled werewolf repeatedly brought to the pound because hundreds of years of evolutionary missteps lead him to look like a cocker spaniel

8 just got annoyed that the cheese on his grilled cheese sandwich melted and is no longer square shaped…in case any of you were on the fence about having children.

Hey, cooking directions on the sides of packages: Nobody knows the wattage of their microwave.

Customer: can I pay with my phone?

Me: no we need dollars

me (when my escalator is working but the other direction isn’t): God is on my side as always.

me (when my escalator isn’t working but the other direction is): i am the cursed goblin man

Found a great app on my phone that I’d forgotten about that shows what you’ll look like as an old person.

It’s called “Camera”.

My 12 year old can explain the difference between a sociopath and a psychopath.

I think about that a lot when I’m trying to get to sleep.

Shipwreck diary, Day 32,567: So, turns out I’m immortal.

Me: Give me your tenderest of loins.

Butcher: That’s not… Please don’t order it that way.

Person: My two year old is grumpier than usual. I think he’s having a growth spurt.

Me, at 33: I think I am too.

An airbag is just a pillow that punches you in the face

Accidentally pronounced wifi as “wifey” and the hotel concierge said the password’s helping out around the house and being a good listener.

Just failed a captcha test. Hell of a way to discover you’re a robot

explaining “the ring” movie to younger generations
me: so you watch this video cassette
them: a what?
m: and then you get a phonecall
t: oh please god no

Parenting:

1st kid: Document their every move

2nd kid: forget to pick them up 99% of the time

Wife : The neighbours are banging on our front door again.

Me : Why can’t they do it in a bed, like normal people?

It’s possible to eat 7 and a half Tillamook cheese snack portions before you feel sick. Someone had to find out for the rest of you.

I’d climb the deepest ocean for you.

this was pretty cool, thanks @funTweeters. means a lot!

“It was M. Day Shyamalan all along!” – The ultimate twist

I’m completely naked under all this pizza.