Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

I’m sorry I threw up on your kid but to be fair, he threw up on me first.

ME: are those new shoes?

HIM: yeah, but *gets down on one knee* would you…

ME: *tearing up* yes?!?

HIM: tie my shoes for me? mother never taught me how

I would thrive as a castle guard. Leaning on my spear. Leering at wenches. Move along. Hail citizen. Halt. And so on

[adopting dog]
VOLUNTEER: we need your life history to make sure this animal is safe

[leaving hospital with baby]
DOCTOR: don’t let him die

Cellulite? No thank you. I prefer good old full fat cellu

“I’m telling you, it’s all or nothing,” the exterminator explains to Noah, “I can’t just leave 2 woodworm. It doesn’t work like that.”

If my ex had an autobiography it would be called “Mein Cramps”

What, did you NOT SEE that one coming?

[Headless Horseman birthday party]

HEADLESS HORSEMAN: [opens present] Another hat? Haha guys okay I get it you can cut it out now.

SECURITY GUARD: Sir, you can’t be here.
ME: But I AM here.
SECURITY: I understand that, but you can’t be in this area.
ME: I think I have definitely shown that is not true.

Me: She loves me, she loves me not, she loves me, she loves me not, she lov-
Wife: CAN YOU JUST PEEL THE SHRIMP PLEASE

I’d argue, but it’s like talking to a wall.

doctor: *tearing from prescription pad* take two of these and come back next week

me: *chewing the paper* when do I get the second one

I put my pants on just like everyone else: while screaming obscenities at my pants butler

inventor of the bow and arrow:
I will now demonstrate my exciting new technique for pointing at someone who is very very far away-OH NO

Recipe: After adding oil to skillet, sweat onions.

My cooking anxiety: I got this!

Well there goes my Wednesday night.

There should be a “shame” setting on showerheads.

Women are too difficult, I’m gonna marry a poptart

cold water immersion sounds cool but i’m doing this other thing called warm bed immersion

You totally had me at “I want you” and I was so excited, I completely missed the ” To leave me alone” part….Sorry my bad.

It’s like Santa didn’t even care that Rudolph had a coke problem?

if i were Will Smith in iRobot, i’d simply defeat the robots by asking them to identify which of the following pictures contains a bicycle

Me: I love my friends. Their interests? Incredible. Their tastes? Impeccable. I would die for them. If there’s a single thing they asked of me I literally could not possibly hesitate

Friend: Hey check out this cool song

Me: Haha cool maybe

I miss the good ol’ days until I remember things like having to get out of my chair and smack the tv to get a clearer picture.

You can use the phrase “lickity split” as much as you want at work and they can’t fire you.

WAITER: you can choose between 5 potato options and a salad

ME: [leaning in] the 5 potato options please

I’ve invented a new cologne that is just one part bug spray and three parts campfire

they’re trying to stop me from entering the movie theater with my spoon and a half a watermelon.

me: i feel like im being singled out because im the oldest person in this karate class and im winning all my matches

them: this is a daycare and you are under arrest

there’s a trend I’m seeing on TikTok rn of women in their 20s and 30s starting ballet “for their mental health” and as a former ballerina…….. i am experiencing some real dramatic irony here