Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Whenever someone mentions rat poison part of me imagines a tiny rodent cover band playing 80s power ballads.

DATING TIP: Any time someone is hot and you’re too scared to approach them, remind yourself that they’ve probably had diarrhea at some point

My grandpa went broke like 6 times trying stupid get rich quick schemes and played tennis like 5 days a week never got good and then when he died we found a bunch of sex picture that he was taking with my grandma so I’m not sure that generation was much different tbh

My dad just asked me, “if two vegans fight is it still called “a beef?”

My kids have strategically placed items in an overflowing garbage can like they’re building a Jenga puzzle.

Have kids. It’s fun.

*waving two guns around menacingly*

WHO TOOK BACK THEIR ‘LIKES’ FROM MY SELFIE

*goes produce shopping*

Wife: Get in line & watch the cart.
Me: OK.
Wife: I’ll be right back.

*minds peas & queues*

Dad: What do you want for your birthday?

Me: I want a gf thats not crazy.

Dad: You should ask for something more realistic. Like a dragon.

me: tries to sleep.

clock: i think i’m going to karaoke in Morse code now.

If by prepped for Irma you mean have I eaten all the ice cream before the power goes out then yes I’m totally prepped for Irma.

I say, “Hi, friend,” to every animal I see, every time I see one, so they know I’m not their enemy, even to my own pets & it lessens my chances of being attacked.

Therapist: *pinching bridge of nose* I don’t charge enough an hour for this.

Me: *sees his fish tank* “Hi, friend.”

[christmas dinner]

me:

extended family member:

me:

extended family member:

me:

earthquakes are just the planet’s way of trying to shake us off and I honestly can’t find fault in that

today my sister said “I thought of you because I saw the stupidest tweet. just the dumbest freaking tweet” this went on for ten minutes

I have gotten outta bed 365 days a year for 37 years. That is 13,505 sit-ups.

And not ONE ab to show for it.

Me: I love this weather! I just want to open all the doors and windows and let the crisp morning air flow.

Her: I agree but can we land first?

Any cults got something wild planned for the eclipse? I’m trying to find the good estate sales.

I’m totally against race mixing–I mean how can these horses seriously compete in NASCAR

I can’t remember exactly when I started baring my bottom in public, but it was many moons ago.

me: I should probably wait to work out, I just ate

gym tour guide: how did you find the breakroom so fast

Him: no one will steal your identity that way

Me [disposing of old underwear by cutting it into strips like a credit card over a trashcan]: you don’t know that

GIRLFRIEND: *whispers in my ear* Hey you wanna try for a baby

ME: *playing the claw machine* I don’t think there are any in there, Denise.

My 7 year old was tapping away on my Mac tonight and told me he was writing a book. I think you’ll agree it’s one hell of an opening.

girls will be like “it’s fine” and then go and curse your whole bloodline.

Would you like to learn about the Mormon Church?

“No thanks.”

Don’t judge too quickly. We have a lot of sects…

“WHERE DO I SIGN UP?”

the process of buying a podcast mic in america needs to be made as or more difficult than buying a gun

Grabs intercom:

ANYONE WHO WOULD LIKE TO JOIN MY MILITIA, STAY HERE! WE ARE GOING TO OCCUPY THIS OLIVE GARDEN UNTIL I GET MORE BREADSTICKS

People choosing to not hang their laundry out to dry anymore is why I’m having a hard time improving my wardrobe.

A gender-neutral equivalent of ‘sugar daddy’ is GLUCOSE GUARDIAN.

I’m really sorry you figured out my tweet was directed squarely at you, person I’ve never interacted with or thought about before.