The first matador
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There’s a butterfly in my office and a nerf gun in my purse. Susan, clear my schedule.
Her: I’m leaving you
Me: Because of the ancient Roman literature puns?
Her: Yah
Me: But Aenid you
Regular naps prevent old age, especially if you take them while driving…
Give a man a six pack and he’ll drink for a day.
Give him a 24 pack and he’ll drink for a day.
Teacher: You’re gonna need this in 20 years, so pay attention.
Me: Why not teach us something practical like how to balance our checkbook or do our taxes?
Teacher: Listen, if you don’t come across someone buying 30 watermelons at the supermarket, I will be flabbergasted.
Every morning I have to check my shoes for scorpions. We don’t have scorpions in Illinois people just hate me.
Led Zeppelin’s “In My Time Of Dying” is my favorite song about a man with a touch of a cold.
yea we make fun of the fact the business people in the jurassic park universe keep giving the green light to a theme park that kills like 75 people every couple of years just cause its profitable but damn if thats not the most realistic part lol
People think getting married young is a bad idea.
I got married young and everything worked out.…not with her, obviously, but still.
[Diner]
Waitress: Cops, and kids 5 and under eat for free
*me, discreetly nudging my 6 year-old*
my 6 year-old: im a police
My Dad used to do a great Darth Vader impression, by being a really bad father.
The most embarrassing thing about mistaking pilates class for pirates class is concealing my musket.
I thought about giving up my sexual innuendo tweets but it’s too hard.
What idiot called it “being a werewolf” and not “having a beast infection?”
My boss is going to fire the employee with the worst posture.
I have a hunch,
it might be me.
If Barb wears leopard print to another funeral, I’m buying a dart gun.
[runs into friends with baby]
Me: OMG WHO’S THIS LITTLE GUY.
Friends:*picks up baby* wanna hold him?
Me:*kneeled next to dog* what?
KID: *finds Santa suit in my closet* See, I knew he wasn’t real.
ME: *nervously remembering shooting Santa off my roof the year before when I thought he was a burglar* Haha. Yeah.
Van Gone
The popularity of this combination speaks of a world thus far hidden from me.
tossing the phrase “slappery slope” into the discourse like a beach ball and moonwalking away
Me:
Uber driver:
Me:
Uber driver:
Me:
Uber driver:*5 stars*
I bought a Christmas tree today and the salesman asked if I was going to put it up myself. I said no, I’m going to put it in the living room.
[break room]
coworker: what’s for lunch?
me: [eating] food, generally
cw: no, I mean what are you having?
me: an unwanted conversation
[dropping my bf off at the airport]
Me: *going in for a hug, already crying* I’m gonna miss you so much
Him: I’m gonna make everyone think you’re my Uber driver!
Me: wait wha-
Him: *pushing my face away* OKAY FINE, I’LL GIVE YOU 5 STARS!
*notice roommate’s tampon wrappers in bathroom garbage*
*hides all my chocolate*
“It’s not about who’s right or wrong.”
~ The person that is wrong
student: now what?
driver’s ed teacher: make a u turn
stndent: ok
People are always impressed to find out that I got my PhD at 17 but anything is possible if you work hard enough and lie.
Me: I love spicy foods – the explosion of flavor; the tingling burn that creeps from the back of my throat to my lips; the endorphin rush from the delicious pain that makes me feel alive!!
Also Me: OW OW OW MY CAP’N CRUNCH ISN’T SOGGY ENOUGH YET WHYYYYYYYYYYY