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My husband had an affair in my dream, but I still love him. And if I ever talk to him again, I’ll tell him.
Remember when we had to smack the TV because the channel wasn’t coming in clearly?
I feel that way about far too many people.
“What’s the most important thing that is missing from your sex life?”
Me: A partner
My dad installed a dash cam in my car at some point when I was home for thanksgiving and I found out when I turned my car on to go to target and a very clearly Chinese lady’s voice said “start recording” out of nowhere
[i fall down the stairs & break my back]
Me: Siri, call me 911
Siri: okay.. I will call you 911 from now on
Me: haha nice
Siri: thanks 911
My 5yo just told me that she likes my singing best when she can’t hear it.
Date: I don’t think we should see each other again
Me: It’s because I got in a fight and lost, isn’t it
Date: Well, yes
Me: It was a surprisingly strong goose
My daughter is playing “Away in a Manger” on the recorder if anyone wanna come over.
Catapult: an ancient military device for hurling large objects
Dogapult: an ancient military device for hurling large objects, fetching them, bringing them back, and hurling them again
Obligatory April 25th Meme Tweet 😆
me after killing a werewolf: more like werewolf {but this time i pronounce it were, like the second person singular past, plural past, and past subjunctive of be}
Anyone can recommend a good Hobbit movie?
“Mom how do you say ‘thank you’ in Asian?”
-my friend’s kid, so loudly, at a sushi restaurant in Frankfurt
Anything can be a flamethrower if you set it on fire and then throw it
My first day in hell I accidentally bump into the meteor that killed the dinosaurs in the cafeteria. Everyone gasps. Satan drops his fork.
Actually the first 38 years of my childhood have been the hardest.
STOP HITTING ON MY TWITTER CRUSH YOU… YOU… EQUALLY UNKNOWN INTERNET DUDE!
outlook just asked me if i’m “enjoying” microsoft outlook. as if it is not the Torment Portal
“if you could be any animal what would you be”
a cat
“why a cat”
[imagines being a complete shithead for literally no reason]
naps and stuff
Me: Throw in a few extra this time.
Pharmacist: We’ve talked about this.
Some mistakes you only make once, like sniffing your kids’ clothes to see if they’re dirty or clean
My toddler held my hand all the way to the bathroom, gave me a kiss when I sat down, then stole my toilet paper roll and ran out of the bathroom laughing in case you were wondering what it’s like to be a parent.
I sometimes double click on a trojan horse to see if there are soldiers hiding inside.
Being a man in biblical times must’ve been hard. You’re busy then your wife says, “Someone parted the Red Sea & you’re here watching sheep.”
I bet that at some point in history a baby ate a dingo.
JUDGE: I find you guilty of murder. Sentenced to life.
LAWYER: But it was only 20 minutes of murder.
JUDGE: Oh, then you’re free to go.
“Compassionate capitalism” is when they use phrases like “I see you, I hear you, I feel you” before they begin the wage theft
<enter password>
ikilledaman
<password must contain a number>
*7 hours later*
ikilled2men
Give a man a fish and he will think, “what a creepy gift.”
Teach a man to fish and he will think, “My god, I have never known such boredom.”
My daughter just called me “Whatever your name is” so you know I’m killing it at parenting multiple kids over here.