Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

What’s large, black and steals your credit cards?

Sony Playstation

niece: Diamond earrings!?
[flashback to me, drunk, wrapping presents]
me: Oh shit

Boss: how flexible is your lunch today?
Me: *putting my chicken’s leg over his head…
“I think he’s really limber!”

ME: Why can’t I sleep?
CUP OF COFFEE FROM 4 PM: I’ve put together a list of everyone who might be mad at you.

Tim Cook just came out. Waiting for the Android version.

Give a man a fish, you feed him for a day.
Give him fish again the second day and he will complain about having to eat the same food everyday.

The worst is when you eat onions and then your fingers smell like onions and your breath smells like onions and you turn to your left and your dog has turned into an onion and you look out the window and the moon is an onion. Everything is onion now. Everything.

Everyone: “You don’t watch Game of Thones?! Watch it immediately.”
After every episode: “That was HORRIBLE.”

Fans that catch foul balls at baseball games should count as outs. Imagine professional athletes swarming some random dude with mustard on his face to end the 9th inning

Imagine kissing a frog and it turns into a Prince. Like, great, now I gotta go find another sexy frog

Doctor: Your son needs a kidney transplant

My mom: K, he NEEDS or he WANTS one?

17 asked what the 80’s were like and i told her to sit in the middle of the front seat between me and her grandma.

If I unfollow you, it’s because of the new follow button or because I don’t like you. Either way I am blaming the new button.

[Before the ten commandments were handed down]

Kevin: Hey Doug, can we kill people?

Doug: Kev my man I genuinely have no idea

Just dyed a bald eagle red, white & blue & forced my family to eat 3 apple pies each. We’re all crying. It’s awesome.

the hardest part about boxing is not falling in love with your opponent when he hugs you

[pulled over]

Cop: Have you been drinking?

Me: No

Cop: *tosses me a sock* Stand on one foot and put this on

Nice try, resealable potato chip bags.

My fitness app is exchanging me for a human that works properly.

“This soup is fantastic, I’ll have another please.”

Bartender: “Ma’am, that’s a martini”

Breaking news:

Hub: This looks delicious! I love spaghetti!

Me: I know

Hub: Pass the foot powder.

~and that’s why I can never eat Parmesan cheese again

I’ll put a comma, after a comma, even if it doesn’t need a comma, to completely, drive you, insane.

[In the bathroom]
Wife: I’m not going anywhere with you looking like that.
Me: Whata ya mean? Why? *looks in mirror straightens bowtie and tux*
W: We are just going to Walmart, not the Met Gala!
M: We live in an isolation world, essential shopping every 2 weeks is THE MET GALA!

we talk a lot of shit about men but without them we wouldn’t have forensic files, 48 hours, dateline, some 20/20s, serial, on the case with paula zahn, cold case, my favorite murder, making a murderer, homicide hunter,

canning is fun because if you get all the steps exactly right you get to eat very old cucumbers and if you get the steps even the littlest bit wrong you get to die of botulism

Grandma: what’s oversharing?

Me: It’s when you talk about your hemorrhoid surgery on FaceBook.

*inside camp-out tent*
“Wanna hear-”
*puts torch under chin*
“-a scary story?”
*flicks torch on, it vibrates*
“OMG. ITS. NOT. A. TORCH.”

I still remember the first time I lied about being able to time travel. It was tomorrow.