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Why do they put Valentines Day candy in a box shaped like a heart? It’s kind of like eating ice cream out of a lung…
5yo after licking my face: “Sorry. My mouth meant to kiss you but my brain told me to lick you.”
Don’t forget to take a screen shot of the weather forecast today and post it on Instagram.
Every store gives away free stuff you just have to play the game by out running the security guard
Did a crunch. Sprained an ovary.
0/10. Do not recommend.
*Gets off couch. Goes to Jedi school. Studies for months.
*Returns to couch.
*Uses the force to get last beer from the fridge.
If you wanna be my lover
– I’m listening
You gotta get with my friends
– ….I’m listening
Honesty is a bit of a red flag for me. Like woah! What are you not trying to hide?!
[Jesus on the cross]
*texts with 1 hand* “um dad y hav u 4saken me wtf”
*5 hrs pass*
“new phone. who dis?”
I want you to know that whatever problems you’re having I’m hear to ‘like’ them. 🙃
How come when I am at a fair or carnival I can throw three balls at a wall full of bottles and not hit a thing, but when I am in the shower I can accidentally drop a bar of soap and somehow knock over everything in all four corners of the tub?
If I wanted to insult a humpback whale I’d call it a ‘quasimofo’ then I would high five myself and probably drown idk I haven’t thought this through.
*text alert*
me: i hope that’s my crush
pharmacy: thanks for picking up your antipsychotics today
In an effort to be more health conscious I’ve quit eating Reese’s bats and switched to the pumpkins instead
This day in history. 1887. A farmer in Montana claimed he found a 15 inch long snowflake and his wife said that means it was about 3 inches.
Hey doofus, the fashion police called.
Your father died last night on duty.
He wanted you to have this.
“Slim fitting houndstooth peacoat*
I think I read my job description wrong because the senior analyst didn’t appreciate this comprehensive report on my coworkers lunch routines
“Is that on Netflix?” I ask, with no intention of ever watching it
*helping son with math problem*
[hour later]
JUST WRITE 75 GODDAMMIT!
[pulls out acoustic guitar at a funeral]
alright everyone stop being all [finger quotes] sad this next 1 is dedicated to a very sexy widow.
*at adoption center*
“Okay yeah they’re all great and all, but which one is the most photogenic for Facebook and stuff like that”
Now, if you all will excuse me I’m going into my closet and I’m not coming out until I find something with an elastic waist…
me: how was your day
5: my day was horrible! i wanted to stay home but you made me go to school so i went! but then i went to the library and got a book, and made a book mark. it was great!
If someone says they just love the smell of books, I always want to pull them aside and be like, to be clear, do you know how reading works
Sit in Starbucks and scream into your phone, “What we need is fresh screenwriting talent! An unknown! Where on earth can we find it?”
The person who named Red Delicious apples should never be allowed to name anything again.
Been fired from my job in the sewer. Twenty years down the drain.
-Stop sending me scary scenes from destruction films! What’s wrong with you?
-That was just me cooking us lasagna
-Oh..see you at 9!
-You bet you will
That one time (today) I stabbed my eyeball with the stick part of my sunglasses.