Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Kids are so dumb u think Santa’s elves made that PS4 yeah right like Sony would ever let that happen learn basic copyright law u lil shits

JESUS (hitting snooze): Just three more days.

Client said she needs to “find her zen” during our mediation and I don’t think she knows that mediation and meditation are two diff things.

me: hey, cute dog, what’s his name
guy w/ dog: Robert
me: Robert
guy: yeah
me: [grabs him by shirt] wtf is wrong with you

I’m not saying your perfume is too strong. I’m just saying the canary was alive before you got here.

my kid correcting me about a dinosaur fact

CONCERT

AC/DC: Who’s ready to be Thunderstruck?
CROWD: *screams
ME: [from front row] IT’S IMPOSSIBLE TO BE STRUCK BY THUNDER!

If I was rich I’d have two hedge mazes. One from which there can be no escape. And one for more lighthearted affairs and casual mazing.

If I could be a superhero, I’d be Aluminum Man. My superpower would be foiling crime.

Me: sometimes I worry that people think I’m texting during a meeting when I take notes on my phone

My dad: I think people know I’m taking notes because I have a notepad and a pen

My girlfriend told me she needed a hip replacement. So I found a vegan yoga instructor that let’s me do whatever I want.

The only time I’m happy that I’m short, is when I’m laying down in the bath and my whole body is covered

My ear is bleeding because I tried to shave it. Now I have to create some elaborate lie to tell ppl how I cut my ear.

I love April Fools’ Day. It’s the only day of the year when people are skeptical of things they read on the internet.

I’m in charge of the team-building activity at the next staff meeting, I guess we’re all getting new tattoos.

yea we make fun of the fact the business people in the jurassic park universe keep giving the green light to a theme park that kills like 75 people every couple of years just cause its profitable but damn if thats not the most realistic part lol

So glad that Halloween isn’t on Friday the 13th this year because that would be so 2020 am I right?

I read through all of What To Expect When You’re Expecting and it did nothing to prepare me for the day my teenager started calling me ‘bro’

My mother: A high forehead is a sign of intelligence.

Me: What does that even mea—

My mother: You have a low forehead.

My girlfriend & I went to a Halloween party dressed as corn and we didn’t know anyone so we couldn’t join conversations without giving off a very threatening corn energy so we stood in the corner just being corn, eating snacks, and watching people which was probably also alarming

HIM: [awkwardly] wanna go see a movie?
HER: sure, sounds great.
[next day]
HIM: could i maybe come with you next time?

My wife had a tick on her. It wasn’t attached though. The whole thing was very zen

No member of any family has the same interpretation of the sentence “We need to leave in ten minutes.”

How to grab a women’s attention:

1. Be a glass of wine.

When I find myself in times of trouble, I think of Lady Catherine de Bourgh, and endeavor to conduct myself in such a way that would meet with her severe disapproval.

[The Lost World: Jurassic Park]

Ian Malcolm: Where you’re going is the only place on Earth where the geese chase you

Me: This guy doesn’t know shit about geese.

The worst thing about life is getting comfortable and then realizing that you don’t have the remote.

What do people in non-baseball countries call second base?