Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Pro Tip: Before you ask your kid’s Principal if he’d like a kiss make sure he can see the chocolate you’re holding in your hand.

Failure isn’t an option? Just watch me.

Gollum had a pretty sweet setup for a while. Cave where no one bothers him. Cool item to look at in his cave

*performs sax solo*
Whoops, typo.
*performs sex, solo*

Captain’s Log:

Day 1 —
Heavy storm shipwrecked us on an island. If we patch up the ship we can make it back to port. I’m confident in my crew that we can make it through this and get the S.S. Anger Management sea worthy again.

Day 2 —
We killed Seamus.

*gives date flowers*

Here. I murdered these plants for you.

accountant: “youre basically broke”
wife: “he keeps spending money on stupid stuff”
me: “lets ask the dog if he thinks his jeans are stupid”

Current life status – By the time I figure out what nostril is plugged, it jumps to the other side.

Interior designer: Ugh, this is old and outdated.

Me: Wait, did you just point at me?

it’s always terrifying when i’m alone in my apartment at night and i hear a small child’s voice say “hello” because i dread making small talk

Producer: ok the writer strike is done. Any new fresh ideas?

Writer: Mission Impossible 9!

Producer: BRILLIANT!

we live in a society where it’s perfectly acceptable to touch 50 pieces of fruit at the supermarket before buying one. every apple you eat has been fondled by half the neighborhood

Hey, remember that person you thought you couldn’t live without? Well look at you, living and shit.

[trying to climb out of beanbag chair] Divorce?

My version of dry January is just trying to see if I can get through the month without any poopcidents. So far it’s been an epic fail.

You don’t marry the good parts of a person, you marry the entire person–their faults & failures included. The trick is to look beyond the negative & focus on the parts you love.

If you were my wife and you came home to that note on top of a broken vase would you still be mad?

ENTER PASSWORD
> bench85
PASSWORD TOO WEAK. TRY AGAIN.
> bench285
BRO!

My 2-year old son wears a “Jurassic Park” t-shirt like he’s some big fan but I know for a fact he’s never seen it.

Don’t be a poser bro

WIFE: We want to renew our vows.
ME: *hands priest paper*
WIFE: We wrote them ourselves.
PRIEST: *pointing* What’s this word?
WIFE: “Combatant.”

Snacking is the boredom activity you can do with your pants on

I just had scrambled tofu with veggies because my kid makes me eat healthy and damnit why is this happening to me ? I’m a good person …

*opens briefcase and presentation about 9/11 conspiracies falls out*
But that means
[cut to my son giving presentation about cool dinosaurs]

amazon: our prime deliveries may be delayed due to covid-19

me: thats okay *hits accept*

amazon [seconds later]: *package smashes through living room window*

stop whining about losing your ‘hot years’ to covid. some of us lost our hot years to not being hot

Only I can prevent forest fires? Why are you leaving me in charge of forest fires? I can’t even prevent chafing.

HOLD YOUR HORSES. TELL YOUR HORSES YOU LOVE THEM. DONT BE TOO STRICT WITH YOUR HORSES OR THEY’LL DATE OLDER HORSES GET TATTOOS & HAVE PONIES

I never get as envious of parents as I do when their baby starts crying & they get to leave the event

17: If I was gay would you still love me?
Me: Of course.
17: If I committed crimes?
Me: Yes.
17: If I voted for Trump-
Me: Dead to me.

[getting brutally stabbed] hey wait, you have an eyelash *gently removes it* make a wish

anti-tattoo people saying “my body’s a temple” like they wouldn’t worship at a temple that had an enormous mural of a tiger fighting a cobra