The first one, obviously
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“Whistle while you work”
~The boogers in my nose
Re-reading Wuthering Heights is a great reminder that 150 years ago, if you, say, sprained an ankle at a neighbor’s house, you just lived there for five weeks until it healed.
Sad thing is, they probably never even gave it a chance
My cousin is 3 months pregnant and my really old uncle keeps commenting on her pics “woah. any day now, Bernice” and I’m literally crying laughing
love dating someone really offline because I can blatantly pass off various other people’s tweets as my own jokes
I want what they have
The fact that there are space cowboys implies that there are space cows and that’s why I haven’t slept in 4 days.
Body: we’re exhausted. We’re going to fall asleep so easily.
Brain: you adorable idiot.
Before you refer to someone as your ex, make sure they know you dated.
When coining nicknames, be sure it reflects how that person has impacted your life. For example, my two sons Buzzkill and Third Mortgage.
Just once, I’d like to sleep as deeply as a cartoon sheriff whose keys are dangling seductively from his belt.
Don’t buy a giant skeleton from home depot. Adopt one from your local cemetery
I’m out here thumping watermelons like someone will murder my entire family if I pick the wrong one.
Me: (checks Duolingo to see if there’s a lesson plan to learn the new weird slang my middle school kid uses unironically on a regular basis)
*after spending a solid 15 minutes listening to someone describe a tv show I’ll never watch*
I’ll definitely check it out.
agenda 4 today:
•shower
•cheerios
•shower-cheerios?
•”hike”
•Photograph a mountain lion
•get mauled by 2nd (hiding) mountain loin
If food delivery apps had never been invented I would either be wildly rich or dead
“How about if I put a balloon over it? Would you touch it then?”
-guy who invented condoms
How the hell did we win World War II? Every soldier I’ve seen who fought in it is old as shit.
As a chemistry teacher, Walter White was dedicated to the scientific methhead.
There are people who will follow you for your Avi, so either look cute or put a pizza pic.
What kind of rifle do comedians use?
JK47’s.
Shoot me.
wife: you’re listening to too much theatrical heavy metal
Me: behold! The weaver of lies! A dark seamstress of shadows lurks amongst us
Of course I do cardio it’s called running from my problems, Gretchen.
These pictures of your baby will be adorable. Just stick her in this giant pot with the vegetables. I’ll just add some stock for realism. She’s going to be delicious. Look, she will look delicious.
I want my house to be tidy enough that if someone unexpectedly stops by, it doesn’t look like we’re seven hours in to battling a bear that broke in.
1st base: kissing
2nd base: petting
base 10: freaky math stuff
Saw my Elf on the Shelf walking out of the D.A.’s office and now I have to lawyer up.
