the first optimist who ever lived was the one who decided to open a coconut not knowing what was inside
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My daughter just called it the “Heimlich Remover” and I’m choking with laughter.
I’ve started an all male cow gang.
Because in life, anything is posse bull !!
Do ghosts call their girlfriends “boo”? Bet all that gets pretty confusing.
Is it proper etiquette to place your phone to the left or right of your silverware at the dinner table?
Maybe we should all just live our lives in a way that won’t piss off Kendrick Lamar
You miss 100% of the shots you don’t take and 98% of the ones you do. Maybe this is not your sport.
My long legs mean I can emerge gracefully from an SUV. After that, every step looks like I was just released from a zero gravity experiment.
she’s already got guys telling her she’s beautiful. be different. send her a cheese board.
Interviewer: “Your resume says you’re good at jumping to conclusions?”
Me: “When can I start?”
Deleting my dating apps because I want to meet someone the old fashioned way (I’m sitting in my living room, he’s a large jug of red juice that bursts through the side of my wall)
My kid every year on picture day after I’ve purchased an $80 package
Come back after dark. Bring your friends
Paranormal investigator: “Who’s there?”
Gen X ghost: “Your mom.”
Dr. Seuss would have CRUSHED it on 8 Mile.
I think that McDonalds is putting an unhealthy amount of lettuce in the Big Macs these days.
The wind kept blowing an old Burger King wrapper at my feet for over half a block
I know a sign from God when I see one
Name’s Todd.
I’m in charge of Blockbuster’s late rentals now.
Does the name Road Hogs mean anything to you?*shoots kneecap*
How bout now?
ME: honey, just tap me on the arm tonight if you think I’ve gotten too drunk
WIFE: I’ve been tapping your arm for the last 2 hours
itself itself itself itself itself itself itself itself itself….
-history
If you ever see a ghost DO NOT put a sheet over your head and make noises. They find it offensive.
I fold.
Origami Instructor: That’s why we’re here, yes.
Me: i’ll have a Dr.Pepper
Waiter: is Mr.Pibb ok?
Me: is he a doctor?
The Bible starts off slow but it really gets going when Satan shows up
[blind date]
HER: I’m a Nihilist
ME {trying to impress her}: Egypt is a beautiful country
Being eaten by zombies sounds less painful than running away from zombies.
You either get a kid who eats like a bottomless pit, or you get one that when asked what they want for lunch answers “No thanks. I had lunch yesterday”
Me: *points to donut case*
Her: How many would you like, ma’am?
Me: Yes.
Sorry honey, I didn’t get you anything for Valentine’s Day.
Wife: It’s not until next week…
[one week later]
Sorry honey, I didn’t…
Eating nothing but beer for a month call that oktoberfast.
Kanye West named his kid North. Drake Bell says he’ll name his first kid Taco. I think Jessica Biel should name her kid Batmo.