Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Him: you’re not wearing pants?

Her: my pants don’t fit, OK?

Him: your pajama pants don’t fit?

Her: MY PAJAMA PANTS DON’T FIT, OK?!

School is much tougher for kids these days. Now when they don’t get their homework done they have to come up with an excuse like, “The dog ate my laptop”.

cat owners seriously come into work covered in scratches like “he’s just playful” no ma’am you’re in love with a wildebeest

We’re only a few years away from being arrested for crimes we haven’t yet committed based solely on an analysis of our Google search history.

Or at least I am.

Those three magical words:

“Where’s the plunger?”

I would like to think that I’ll die a heroic death but it’s more likely I’ll trip over my dog & choke on a spoonful of frosting.

Me: I love you
7yo: I love you too
Me: l love you to infinity
7yo: I love you to infinity too
Me: l love you more than ice cream
7yo:
7yo: what flavor?

My toddler pushed one of their animal toys in my face and said “RROOOOOAAARRR!!!”

It was a penguin.

I wonder if should download that Rednote app instead of tik tok and blow the Chinese’s minds about what an air fryer can handle

i turned 40 and suddenly i can’t see shit if i drive at night and it’s raining. Is the lane still there? Idk. Did the road disappear? Idk. Am I even on the road anymore? Nope.

Call me crazy but “dropping the ball” does not sound like a good way to start off a new year.

[blind date]

HER: I love the fall

ME {trying to impress her}: Lucifer had it coming

I painted today

Everyone complimented me on my turtle

It was a bird, I painted a bird

OLD MAN: I fought in WWII
ME: Oh yeah? What was your kill:death ratio
OLD MAN: what
ME: Can you rocket jump?
OLD MAN: I wish Hitler had won

At the store & asked for 50 condoms. 2 girls behind me started laughing. I turned around & looked them in the eyes and said, “Make it 52”

Who called it beef chow mein and not moodles?

Teen [fixing his hair in the mirror]: mum I think I have like, a natural perm? Is that a thing?

Me: yeahhh… it’s called curly hair

Why is fruit so expensive?

I want some raspberries, not the tears of Jesus.

Just spent 15 minutes on my knees.
Now, the bathtub is spotless.

You grab a lizard by the tail and those fuckers will just hit the “detach” switch and book it. If peoples legs did that, we’d be fucked.

WebMD is a Choose Your Own Adventure book where every single story ends in malignant cancer

“Murder most fowl!” I scream as the cops pull me away from the many duck corpses. They explain I misunderstood Hamlet while arresting me.

Every night at I say baby do you want to snuggle and watch tiktok

He hands me the remote and goes to bed

And that’s how it’s done

A chip tracker but it’s just me following the potato chip crumbs dropped by my toddler

i cant believe ashton kutcher made the apple computer and iphones. thank you ashton

Everyone is a genius until they try to use someone else’s microwave.

My kid sneezes and if you aren’t quick enough with “bless you” he says, “don’t worry I’m okay” in the most condescending tone ever uttered by a 2 year old

A very wise man once said: “If you just want to be safe, don’t get out of bed, don’t get in your car, don’t do anything. At some point, you’re going to have to take some risk.” And that same man built a defective submarine that exploded at the bottom of the ocean

My house has been so messy lately, I’m making myself watch Hoarders to motivate me to clean it so I don’t end up starring in an episode.

Statistics show that the average person has sex 89 times a year….looks like I’m in for a flipping wild December