the first optimist who ever lived was the one who decided to open a coconut not knowing what was inside
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I hope 2016 doesn’t get renewed. The plot is ridiculous and none of the characters are likable.
Too bad my 20 year high school reunion was cancelled. My plus 1 was going to be the extra person I gained in weight since high school. Darn
Your other foot. Nope. Still the other foot. You have two feet this isn’t hard. THE. OTHER. FOOT. OMG
-me watching a toddler put shoes on
Started trying to hand out tiny umbrellas to neighborhood squirrels to help them beat the heat. So far, it’s a much bigger challenge than I thought.
What’s the optimum number of puppets for a job interview? I know it’s not seven
ME: baby, I want to turn eucalyptYOU & eucalyptME into eucalyptUS
HER: you don’t flirt much, do you?
ME: I do not
If Kevin Bacon didn’t acknowledge his kids as “Bacon Bits” I’ll be forever disappointed.
Getting out of bed in the morning always gave me a headache until I tried it feet first.
i said to my wife, “hey brat summer is over, what kind of fall should I have?” she said “a fatal one”
Overheard someone telling someone else about their twins birthday coming up and the one asked how old they’d be, I shit you not she said “7 and 9”
Ladies, never trust a dude with a fancy mustache. They’re just a top hat and a cape away from tying you to the train tracks or the conveyor belt of a giant lumber mill saw.
If Spider Man eats too much fruit he squirts Silly String.
Toss the darts, treat the wounded, tally the points. Repeat until only one child remains.
My sex drive is disrespectfully high for someone that gets winded walking up stairs
Trying out a new chicken fried steak recipe tonight because I think it’s important for my kids to learn to reject lots of different kinds of foods.
I just asked my friend to come over and “play husband”. He’s gonna be pissed when he finds out we are putting together shelves from ikea.
you, an idiot: *eats a snack*
me, an intellectual: *snorts caviar*
* charges phone.
Phone: wrong hole.
My mechanic said there were mice in my engine, and boy, if I thought I didn’t understand how cars worked before…
If someone tries to be your friend, pick up their cat and play it like the bagpipes. Problem solved.
My daughter had a spider in her room but she lost it, and now she wants to move. I told her to stop being dramatic and she would probably just swallow it tonight so nbd
i’m trying to quit making sexual innuendos but it’s so hard
Sometimes I don’t put my glasses on for the first hour of the day bc I’m not ready to see what’s coming
[job interview]
“Name one of your strengths”
I didn’t stab anyone today
“That’s not-”
Yesterday wasn’t so good tho
Dinner with Mom: Are these real people you’re talking about or are they from the internet?
The seven new planets cause havoc with your readings. There is nothing but chaos and pain and, for some reason, hot singles in your area.
The more I parent the more convinced I am that the ears on toddlers are purely for decoration.
Me: Are these garbage bags of yours super strong?
Clark Kent: What? No just regular strong ones here haha nothing super about ‘em *nervously adjusts glasses*
