The first people who called chocolate a vegetable are the real heroes.
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“I’m never gonna do THAT again!”
~ Me, about things I’ll continually do…
Again
if someone asks you about yourself say “OK, sit down, this is going to be a really long story” then just wander off
[foreplay]
her: [seductively] whisper something sexy in my ear
me: [leans in] pizza
My kid wouldn’t eat it after he ordered it so I had to: A parents guide.
Thought buying a laptop for 12 would’ve given me some quiet time but here i am filming unboxing videos and crying
My 4yo told me he had a dream that I had another baby and now I’m retracting my statement that I want all his dreams to come true.
More like “wife is home” vs “wife’s not home”.
Well if you’re here … then who’s in Loch Ness?
Annnnd that’s how the fight started.
Found out I can become an IT pro in as little as 1 month with no experience & now I know where my company gets their IT pros.
The Turkey took our temperature before he would come out of the oven!!!
Got an annoying neighbour? Leave a note on their car: “Sorry about the damage, but I’ve patched it up so you probably can’t even see it.”
A young musician left his
priceless Stradivarius violin
on a train in Germany.But it was returned…
no strings attached.Wait…what ?
BARTENDER: how do you take it?
ME: personally
Maybe wear your heart on the other sleeve, that one has mustard on it.
Life is like a roller coaster: There are ups & downs, you often feel like vomiting, but in the end there are weird pictures of you for sale.
I challenged a man who left his shopping trolley in the adjoining space and he replied “someone else will move it” before walking away. He was right, I did – and attached it to his driver’s side door with a cable tie
Would I miss my leg or my arm more?
(me, lying in bed, deciding which to put outside the blanket for the monster under the bed to rip off)
“You need some sunlight on that pasty skin of yours”–says my mom as she cures me of social anxiety and crippling depression
*partner holding up finger and thumb almost touching*
Her: I am THIS close to snapping. Be warned.
Me: *gently* Aw honey they have to actually touch if you want to snap them!
*general murder sounds*
Am I financially wealthy? No.
But am I rich when it comes to relationships, happiness, and experiences? Still no.
Q: How do you find Will Smith in the snow?
A: You look for the fresh prints!
I’ll show myself out y’all
[ english class ]
me: this is useless, i’m outta here
*20 years later*
judge: please rise for your sentence
me: my what
Sex is cool, but have you ever had a can opener that actually works?
When people shorten words for no reason it makes me want to commit murds.
like last october and the one before that gotta go to human resources for talking in dracula
Just realized telling moms we have a lice scare gets me out of everything and I wish I’d thought of this earlier in my parenting journey.
when i mistake a brief silence during an argument with my wife as my turn to speak
WIFE: [holding newborn baby] Ive never been so proud of anything in my life
ME:[thinking about that one time I drew a perfect giraffe] same
Someone: wanna hear something interesting?
Anxiety: for the love of God say no SAY NO
Me: sure
Anxiety: you brought this on yourself