The first people who called chocolate a vegetable are the real heroes.
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Cw: you have a call holding
M: put it in my voicemail
Cw: he has a sexy Australian accent
M: hiiii this is Jennifer
What doesn’t kill you makes you stronger. Except bears, bears will kill you.
If you reply with “sky” each time I ask what’s up, I shall assume you’re homeless.
If dinosaurs were still alive, people would do a lot more running.
Sorry I look depressed. It’s just that when I heard the sound of your high heels on the hardwood floor, I thought a pony was in the house.
Me: What do you need to watch out for while trick-or-treating?
Kids: Cars
Me: And…
Kids: Wine moms
Today I met people who had twin 6 month old babies, and they would not even let me have the one that really liked me. Selfish.
I always use a short cut when I’m going to knife fight a midget.
I am so proud to be part of a society that needs television commercials to remind us not to lock our kids in hot cars.
I am “I have to go to bed because my back hurts from sitting on the couch” years old.
“My parents are supporting my blue check for the first few years of marriage but then gonna start paying myself.”
ATTORNEY: my client would like to confess
ME: i sell human organs on the black market
JUDGE [who needs a kidney transplant]: tell me more
I’ve reached the part of my summer where I’m excited that I’ll soon be able to stop checking my kids’s heads for ticks and go back to just checking for lice
I have a bumper sticker that says “Honk if you think I’m sexy!” Then I just sit at green lights until I feel better about myself!
Now responding to all “hello”
DMs with “Adele?”
Married men aren’t allowed to go the grocery store alone because we’re the kid in the shopping cart, but with money
cabbage patches are bullshit
i gave up cabbage easily without them
My wife and I can’t agree on appropriate gardening attire. But she’s digging in her heels.
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ᴱ*dolphin diving off a cliff*
Twitter updated their Terms of Service. Now it just says “Abandon Hope All Ye Who Enter Here.”
Good cop: be a pal and tell us who did crime
Dad cop: you’re gonna want to be at the airport ten hours before your flight
DATE: so this is my dad and this is his porcelain cat collection
ME: wow, I feel like I’m in a
DATE: no
ME: mewseum
DAD: *nods his approval*
Moving tip: don’t learn how to read
why does mommy cry when she cuts onions?
“she feels guilty cuz she stole them. see *lifts son onto lap* your mother likes to steal onions”
Jim: I’m totally spacing out on a word.
Me: OK
J: What’s that awful thing called…
M: …
J: You wake up with it after you drink?
M: Linda.
You know how your mom used to get mad and start counting? I think the Earth is at twwwoooo.
I’m so committed to pizza that I’ve stopped wearing a condom when I eat it.
20s: lol
30s: omg
40s: wtf
What is the deal with airplane food?
Seriously, I’m trying to feed this thing and I don’t know what airplanes eat.
when I’m having a bad day as a parent, I just remind myself that plenty of animals won’t hesitate to eat their kids, so really I’m in gold star territory