The first people who called chocolate a vegetable are the real heroes.
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This is my first Apocalypse, I don’t know what to wear.
Something our American friends may not know about us Canadians: all 38 million of us know each other
I go through the 7 stages of grief just to get to work everyday.
The ladies call me Space Mountain…
…cause I’m a 5 hour wait and a 3 minute ride.
Wooooohhhhooooo!!!
[sinking in quicksand]
me: oh no
wife: we’ll be fine if we just remain still and wait for help
me: ok
[mambo no. 5 starts to play]
me: OH NO
doctor: there are two wolves inside of you
me: … what does that mean? am i going to die?
doctor: won’t we all, someday?
me: shouldn’t you know?
doctor: *looking at the MRI* my doctorate is in philosophy
My friend Luke didn’t realise until he was an adult that lukewarm was a real temperature, he thought it was just a term his mum used to describe his bath water.
[America’s Got Talent]
Howie: so how long have you been juggling chainsaws?
Me: actually *lights them on fire* this will be my first time
Executioners flirting:
You hang first.
No, you hang first.
*giggling*
No, you hang!
No you!
PRINCESS PEACH: oh Mario I have terrible news
MARIO: what is it
PRINCESS PEACH: Luigi is dead!
MARIO: who?
PRINCESS PEACH: *sighs and pinches bridge of her nose* green you is dead
MARIO: oh no!
when you’re jamming to an old-school r&b song and someone older than you ask “what you know about this?”
me:
I’m not sure what my husband is planning on doing for me on Mother’s Day but I hope it’s laundry.
You don’t know what real fear is, until you’ve been cornered by a Mariachi band playing a rendition of Hotel California.
me: [stroller shopping] how much for this one
clerk: do you have a baby
me: would you accept cash instead
An airbag is just a pillow that punches you in the face
thinking about ignoring daily mess by creating new holiday decor mess
WIFE: I need a new book. Something to really get my teeth into
ME: You’re thinking of a sandwich
*the great barrier reef is destroyed but a new one forms in its place* what a rereef
Tour guides often say to me “that’s a great question,” but I like to dig deeper. What was the wow factor? Let’s spend some time on this.
You know you’re the father of teen boys when a shoe print on the ceiling no longer fazes you.
Sorry I’m late, there was a dad yelling at his teenage son for buying $90 jeans and I had to hear every word of it.
Friend: What’s your costume for Halloween?
Me: The Invisible Man
Friend: Bandages and sunglasses?
Me: More realistic.
Friend: You’re not coming to the party are you?
Me: God no.
The full name for hanky panky is handkerchief pandkerchief
Weighing yourself is like the sex. It’s always best if you get naked first…
me [an australian]: man i could kill for a caramello koala right now
american friend: that’s not a real candy
me: or some yowie bungas
american: what
me: dropbear gobstoppers
american: no
me: cassowary chewies
american: please stop
me: sugar-coated funnel web spiders
being in love will have you put your pride aside and go to places you never thought you would, like new jersey
*puts ex in Memory Lane*
*revs car engine*
There’s a girl that I hate in my office that’s white but looks like ‘Precious’. I’ve been calling her “Pressure” & blaming my farts on her.
My hair is 100% organic, but it has been tested on animals. Portions may have been used to drape over cats’ heads to make little wigs.
I had to work all night but I can’t wait until my girlfriend hears her new La Cucaracha car horn