The first person to eat a fortune cookie probably ate the paper too, which is unfortunate
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I spent my time preparing a home cooked dinner and placed it in front of the kids who asked for something different, and laughed. Then I laughed. Then we laughed. Then I spoke in a voice not of this world & everyone ate their damn dinner.
With the proper diet and lack of exercise, you can turn any jeans into skinny jeans.
Whenever my wife gets smug about winning an argument I like to remind her that up until a year ago she thought narwhals were mythological creatures.
3 Best Uses for Oven Timers:
1. Remind you of beer in the freezer
2. Pizza rolls
3. Notify guests when their time’s up & they should leave
23andMe got hacked and now strangers are trying to get into my genes.
My husband is really not letting me live down that one time we got into a super big argument because I thought buffalo were extinct.
for all its faults Twitter is still one of the best places to provide that unbeatable feeling: learning of someone’s existence for the first time and immediately wishing death upon them
My husband and I have reached the age that neither of us will get up to investigate even the strangest of noises.
If you’re in an ambulance, you need to get yourself to a hospital right away.
Pizza Hut: May I take your order?
Me: Can you make a large pizza vegetarian?
Pizza Hut: Yes, but don’t ever call me vegetarian again.
I told someone my name and they said, “That’s unusual. You don’t hear that every day.”
Actually, I do.
Cat: *sitting on arm of chair watching in silent fascination as I search my house for my missing phone for 10 minutes*
Me: *exasperated, sitting down on couch* I can’t find it
Cat: *getting up, stretching lazily, jumping down to reveal he’s been sitting on my phone*
Why does that little guy keep jumping from one side of the subway to the other?
Dude, he’s a Metro Gnome
This is bullshit. Panic bought this 100 lb bag of rice when quarantine started; only eaten a fistful because it’s all sharp and hard and crunchy, NOT like in the restaurants.
Just lookin for a girl to help me organize my plastic bag drawer.
me: [hiring a hitman] now how can we make my songs better
The doctor suggested I replace the the pasta in my diet with more vegetables, so I chose potatoes.
I have a recording saved on my phone that it to be sent to my boss the day after I die. All I say is “So, you aren’t going to believe this but I’m going to be late.”
[to hot girl at bus stop as bus approaches]
“I could easily afford to get on that if I wanted to.”
Literally no one understands something more completely than a woman in a meeting who starts a question with “Just so I understand…”
Cats spend two thirds of their lives sleeping and the other third making viral videos.
Kale: i strengthen the immune system
Avocado: i’m a healthy fat
Quinoa: i provide fiber & protein
Deep Fried Twinkie: i cause diabetes
Me: six twinkies please
I’ve never gotten off the elevator at a hotel and walked in the right direction.
Drove a wedge of suspicion today between the fast food employee at the first window and the one at the second.
[date]
Me: ‘Don’t let her know ur a boxing ring announcer…’
Her: “Shall we order dessert?”
Me: “LET’S GET READY TO EAT APPLE CRUUUUMBLE!”
I don’t understand how people use plastic wrap successfully.
Stop buying me complex technological devices that I have to go take a class to learn how to use just buy me a goat
Me: Bless you honey
4yo: Daddy I didn’t sneeze I coughed
Me: Well bless you anyway
4yo: NO
All I’m saying is never trust a towel that’s not hanging in it’s normal place when you get out of the shower…