The first person to figure out babies instinctively hold their breath under water probably has a lot of explaining to do……
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Accidentally bought a left-handed bottle of shampoo and now I have to shower facing the other direction.
Someone needs to reimagine Dracula as a sugar glider
With all due respect to Marie Kondo if I wanted to actually get rid of all the things in my life that didn’t “bring me joy” I’d just throw myself into a dumpster
CAT 911: what’s the emergency?
CAT: I can see a bird outside our clear wall
CAT 911: you mean a window?
CAT: no it’s definitely a bird
me: Mother Nature is passive-aggressively reminding us to hydrate
them: why can’t you just say it’s raining
It is easier to pass a camel through the eye of a needle than it is to convince somebody online that they are wrong.
pirahna: my tooth is killing me
dentist:
pirahna: way in the back
dentist: how are u even out of water
[boxing match]
TRAINER: Give him the old ‘one-two’
CHAMP: I’m not too good at math
TRAINER: Ok…a left and a right
CHAMP: Or politics
Then: Runs 5 miles every morning before work
Now: Picks up a dryer sheet with my toes so I don’t have to bend over
Me: For the twelfth day of Christmas, I got…
My true love: IF IT’S ANOTHER BIRD, I’M GOING TO LOSE MY SHIT.
Me: mmm daddy, all up in there
Priest: it’s “our father who art in heaven”
Are you supposed to wear your Fitbit in the shower? I’m looking to break this thing as quickly as possible and need advice.
15 wants to change my oil as a Mother’s Day gift, it’s really sweet but I can’t afford a new car right now.
My husband kissed me while I was sleeping before he left for work and I’m not saying I’m not sleeping beauty, but I may have woke up in a panic and elbowed him in the forehead
I’ve seen enough episodes of Dateline to know never to stand near a cliff while letting Hubs take my picture.
Me, walking out of a store: *wow all these dudes are staring at ME? A middle aged mom? Ok. Yeah. Sure. I mean I guess I’m still hot maybe, ok yeah good for me*
Me, an hour later: *ok so I tucked my dress into my underwear a few hours ago I see that now NEVERTHELESS*
Having a panic attack thinking about how there’s somebody in Australia standing directly under me
A pirate dating app called, “Shiver Me Tinders”
It’s okay bowel syndrome, I am irritable too.
Hate when I zone out while someone’s talking to me and they have the nerve to ask me a question like I’m in 5th grade and they’re a teacher.
My personal trainer ran out of treats half way through the sess.
This nation more divided than ever.
I just saw a tweet in support of raisins.
I hate when people say, “Don’t worry about the things you can’t control.”
UMMMMM……HELLO!!
That’s exactly what I’m worried about!!
godzilla: *godzilla roar*
me: godzilla, can we try using our inside voice?
godzilla: (sheepishly) …may i please have a snack
For somebody who ate their twin in utero I sure am a fussy eater
I’m sorry I punched you in the face when you said “I love you”. Intimacy scares me. And you said it to my sister.
Imagine being hungry and some guy tries to teach you to fish.
Ah, spring is here. Time to open the windows and remind my neighbors that I know every word to the “Grease” soundtrack.
if i spend $45 or less for the remainder of this year i should be good
I’ll smash someone’s car window on a hot day if I see they’ve left a chocolate bar melting inside.