Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

I’m over here having to get my kids snacks and stressing about life yet my parents are just sitting in their house, retired.

Sorry I dressed up like Captain Caveman when you asked me if I wanted to go clubbing.

I don’t just have a chip on my shoulder— I’ve got the whole potato

Previously On Persistence 😎

Drove past two First Baptist churches.

One of them is lying.

Before I get off the subway, I like to turn around, look at the other passengers, and say, “I’ll never forget the time we spent together”

My cute neighbor saw me running and so I had to keep running until she couldn’t see me any more. Call an ambulance

Hey…that’s not the wallet inspector

Soccer moms drinking from sports bottles. You’re not fooling anyone, we know you have wine in there and you should share.

Nothing says “Proper Retirement Planning” like a garbage can full of losing lottery tickets

[meeting]
Bill: we’ll call it BILLOSOPHY
Phil [pulling out briefcase and assembling gun]: Good idea! Steal my board idea now this? Not again

Me:Thank you, he’s so hot I don’t even know what I want to do first…Grandma: (interrupting) Okay, can someone else say the prayer please?

Putting all my mental health eggs in the daily word game basket.

[Hide and seek]
Police officer: how long has he been missing?
Wife: a few hours
Police officer: describe him
Wife: 5′ 10, brown hair *raises voice* and he hates dogs
Me from the bushes: no he doesn’t

Just tried to parallel park. 5 people are injured, 3 critical, 6 missing. The casualties continue to mount

My mum just messaged to say that yesterday she turned off her 20 year old PC, ‘at the wall’, without shutting it down properly. ‘That couldn’t have caused anything, could it?’ 😂

‘Probably’.

My favorite part of the Bible is where Jesus gives money to the rich, tells the poor to suck it up and asks for Caesar’s birth certificate.

* Dentist is singing along to a Maroon 5 song as he’s drilling in my mouth.

Me: (holds up finger to pause)
Can you turn that up?

Dentist: The music?

Me: No. The drill.

Dentist:

my wife went to Costco 3 hours ago and now she’s ignoring my calls. this can’t be a good sign.

Necessity is the mother of Invention.
And there are also lots of other people in my family with stupid names.

all bases covered

Guy in the dressing room next to mine: “I don’t want to get blood on these pants.” I want to reply, “Then stay out of my way on the catwalk”

Hacker 1: She wrote her password recovery questions.
H2: So?
H1: “Fav Law of Thermodynamics?” There’s more than one?
H2: F this. Who’s next?

Me: I think I drank too much yesterday and gave away half my wealth to you by mistake

Pizza guy: oh yeah about that, here’s your T.V. remote back

If you stare in a mirror long enough and start screaming, you’ll see angry faces of figures dressed in orange.

*only works at Home Depot

Everyone thinks it’s so funny if my 2yr old rips her dress off at a bday party but if I do it then it’s “inappropriate” & “we need to talk.”

They just announced step away from the windows at O’Hare because of a tornado warning and crazy storm, so about 10 people got up and walked towards the windows to take pictures.

The place where I wanted to apply for a job was closed, so I wrapped my resume around a brick and threw it through their front window

My teen complained that he didn’t like the dinner I made so I told him to be sure to leave his Yelp review & also, I don’t care.