[the first person to hear thunder] Well, that can’t be good.
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“Is that on Netflix?” I ask, with no intention of ever watching it
HER: NNNNNNNN
ME: [gently rolling her onto her side]
HER: ZZZZZZZZ
Earth reviews
⭐☆☆☆☆
“The landscape is memorable but the human inhabitants are all shit”⭐⭐⭐⭐⭐
“They do amazing things with potatoes”
Bong hits bring all the cheetos to my jaw, and it’s like, nom nom nom nom.
if babies “fix everything” then why can’t they hold power tools
Hey, we never talked in high school!
Let’s be Facebook friends so we can once again never talk!
JUST LIKE OLD TIMES!
My master plan is to forget sunglasses at every location in the world so wherever I am I’ll always have sunglasses.
I’m no expert guys but with the amount I trip and fall off things… trust me i’d know if the Earth was flat
Are you having a nice Tuesday or did your daughter remember this morning that she volunteered to bring 150 baby carrots to school today?
Bigfoot is real… or rather he was real and quite delicious.
I’m fine, doctor. My heart rate was elevated because I was thinking about tacos
I act really tough for a person who spent $40 on cookies I dont like because a girl scout was crying
[Spain, 1578]
“I’m not a witch!”
But all the cats?
“My pets!”
The broom?
“For cleaning!”
The cauldron of boiling children?
“Ok I’m a witch.”
A message for people with imposter syndrome:
The Pentagon just announced they miscalculated by $3 billion, you’re doing fine (unless you are this one accountant at the Pentagon)
Sometimes you just gotta be happy the kid is vacuuming her own room and overlook the fact that she’s making figure 8s
[bank robbery]
Me: this is a hold up
[later at the police station]
Cop: wait, so you weren’t one of the robbers?
Me: [just likes to say what things are] this is a police station
DR: Good news and bad news
LADY: What’s the bad news
DR: Your husbands dead
LADY: *crying* Oh my god
DR: *holding finished sudoku behind back* Ask what the good news is
Ever get home, look at your hair in a mirror, and wonder how many small children you terrified while you were out
I wonder if all the other popcorn kernels in the bag freak out when the first kernel pops
Been trying to pair my new phone with the Bluetooth in the car and I think it’s easier to get pandas to mate.
*Santa’s Google search*
cheap labor
cheap labor not kids
magic cheap labor
elf for sale bulk
labor laws by country
north pole group travel
How many children do I want to have? Kind of a weird question for a first date, but umm I guess enough to finish the temple
To clean up or just move. This is the question.
When I was going into surgery my dad said “Good luck w/ your surgery” and I said “you too” so now my dad has to get surgery too, he’s pissed
The only way I could enjoy a shower more is if my showerhead made a thunder sound when it came on so I could pretend I am a leafy head of lettuce in there
I got kicked out of another Super Bowl party for changing the channel to Forensic Files
“Eww” can be a term of endearment, right?
Well well well. If it isn’t my old nemesis, 2:34AM.
And I see you brought your little sidekick, Parade of Humiliating Moments.
Life Lessons from the Petting Zoo:
-Everything bites
-So much pushing
-Did you bring quarters?
-OMG, goats have the weirdest pupils