Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

[Frankenstein Castle]

MAMA: You need to make more friends

VICTOR: Fine…

{later}

MAMA: I should have been more specific

7 years ago I had a surgery at the hospital I am having a procedure at this morning, I jokingly filled out the paperwork 7 years ago, saying I like to be called “My Lady” well, the patient registrar, just called out, “MY LADY?!” followed by my last name and now I am dead. ☠️🤣🤭

Of course I’m more of a yeeeeeee-haaaaaw! than a wooooohoooo! kinda guy because Texan and whatnot.

*a jerk tries to punch me but I catch it perfectly in my mouth and swallow him whole like a snake*

Boss: Lunch meeting, let’s go.

Me: Do I have to?

Boss: Free food and unlimited alcohol.

Me: *moonwalks to the car*

My tween, who wanted money, told me I don’t look a day over 41. I’m 40.

I always try to tell myself that I don’t actually hate people as much as I say I do…and then I go to the mall.

Seriously though: Facebook is a wasteland, Twitter in turmoil, Instagram has collapsed trying to be TikTok, and TikTok isn’t a social network. If you wanted to start a social network, this would be the best time in 10 years to try that.

Old people always be like “wow you’ve put on some weight since I last saw you” in front of everybody.

WIFE: omg someone’s broken in!
ME *bravely grabs baseball bat from under the bed* wait here

[downstairs]
FRIEND: Can’t you just tell her you want to play baseball?
ME: Keep your voice down

“Don’t boil lobsters, because they can feel pain” say scientists from National Institute For Boiling Every Animal Alive To Work Out If They Like It Or Not

#winning

Schools: Children need consistency and routine

Also schools: Daily class times will be the lucky numbers from your fortune cookie

Rudolph the Red-Nosed Reindeer (1964): An adolescent reindeer is first mocked, and then taken advantage of because of a birth deformity.

Nevada be like, omg I think I like him… so how many days should I wait before I call him? Is it 3 days? Cause I think it’s 3 days.

You go on cruises when you only want to experience other countries cultures for an hour and still have Budweiser and chicken fingers for dinner

Where do cicadas go when they’re not screaming? I’d like to go there and scream.

I’m pretty sure M. Night Shyamalan is directing 2020.

Nothing is creepier than watching someone hula hoop with a serious look on their face.

Yay it’s payday!
*pays bills
That was short lived.

FOOTBALL COACH: *drawing up a play using Xs and Os* ..any questions?

ME: are we the hugs or the kisses?

Me: “I’m having a great hair day.”

Wind: “No you’re not.”

Therapist: Okay, let’s go over this one more time

Me: This really isn’t helping with my fear of bridges

Money can’t buy you love, but it can buy you toilet paper.

Which is basically the same thing.

A wise man once told me, “Are you even listening?”

I’m guessing the apple from the Apple logo tasted like shit.

imagine being a rooster and just completely losing your shit over the sun rising.

FRIEND: Make sure you walk her to her car

[hours later after date]

HER: It’s been 18 miles

ME: I insist

HER: But you drove both of us

At least six times I day I stare at my desk and wonder which object will injure me enough to get me out of work but not hurt that much.

Me: I am a goddess. I was born for greatness. I will paint these shutters myself.

Me halfway up a 20-foot ladder: I am a land mammal. I was born with gravity. I will pay someone else to paint these shutters.