[the first person to hear thunder] Well, that can’t be good.
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me: [pooping in a basket]
hot air balloon pilot: ok everyone out.
Interviewer: What’s your biggest weakness?
Me: I don’t know when to quit.
Interviewer: You’re hired!
Me: I quit.
My kids have eaten one bite out of everything in our refrigerator today.
Careful…I’ve already had our entire fight in my head and it doesn’t end well for you.
The most embarrassing thing on my phone is my calculator history
Me: [watching football]
Wife: [silently reading a book for three quarters of the game]
Announcer: That was a huge sack!
Wife: BAHAHAHA HUGE SACK
Our government needs REFORM, we need to make it ILLEGAL to put fake pockets on women’s clothing
Your odds are greater of being killed by a coconut rather than a shark and this is exactly why I don’t swim in coconut-infested waters.
I want the same thing as everyone else: to love, to be loved, to smite my enemies and to find an honest car mechanic
date: i love that you know about plots of land
me: thanks that means a lot
If Vanilla Ice was a priest:
🎶If you have a sin, yo, I’ll solve it / read the Good Book while my DJ absolves it! 🎶
Gmail is down. My wife is running around screaming. The toddler just cursed at Grandma. Grandma spat at the toddler. The dog is dancing to Slipknot. The freezer is burning. The floor is lava
It’s actually rude to shoot anyone, messenger or not.
Did you just call me a boombox? Eugh that’s such a stereotype
Starting to think the frog dissection skills I learned in high school are never going to pay off.
Note to self: always read the final line
Welcome to Cupcake Yoga! NomNomaste.
Is it just me or does this cat look like someone’s grandpa
“my intrusive thoughts won” all u did was eat a donut?? that’s not an intrusive thought. if my intrusive thoughts won i’d be on the news.
This might be the funniest tweet ever
Shout out to feathers for keeping birds from being scary as hell
I asked my husband to put honey on the shopping list and now it’s all sticky
🔦🌙👣
I’m not average. I’m mean.
Firefighter: We have reports of a large fire??
Starbucks employee:
Firefighter: *audible sigh* Can you direct me to the VENTI fire?
Running is so dangerous. A few years ago I sprained my ankle really badly and was on couch rest for like three weeks. You know what’s never done that to me? Resting on a couch for three weeks.
seashell: [holding me to its ear]
me: [making city noises]
I’m 46 years old, my dad told me that candy floss evaporates after a day and I’ve told my kids this. My dad ate my candy floss didn’t he?