The first person to milk a cow was playing a savage game of Truth or Dare
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I hate when someone is on the machine right next to me at the gym and I feel pressured to share these cheese fries.
COMPANY: HIRING URGENTLY NO EXPERIENCE NEEDED APPLY NOW.
ME: *sends resume*
COMPANY: *no response*
My wife [sexily] – “why don’t we…turn out the light?”
Me, a moth – “no”
Sometimes I say, “Damn you to hell” after someone sneezes, just to mix it up a bit.
*first day at gymnastics class*
Teacher: So you mentioned before you were really good at the bars? Let’s see it!
Me: Oh…um, sure? Hey man can I have 2 beers and round of shots for the table cheers bro.
Teacher: *under his breath* damn he’s good
(513): They both invited me to family dinner Sunday. Secretly dating two sisters just got real.
My husband brought home one happy meal for two kids.
Frankly things would have been less dramatic if he’d brought home a girlfriend.
As a parent on vacation, the absolute dumbest thing you can do is let the kids stay up late, assuming they’ll sleep in. Ask me how I know.
When there’s a forklift accident they have to put the forklift down because once a forklift gets a taste of human blood…
AC/DC will always be on today’s rock and roll stations because they’re literally current.
My son wants a proper drum kit for Christmas but I’ve only got him a miniature one so I’m expecting wee percussions…
Me: *brings a cheesecake to a pie fight*
My enemies: sweet jesus she’s gone completely insane RUN!!
Any tool’s a hammer if you’re mad enough
[stirring sparkling water with a hot dog] I wouldn’t say the lottery win changed me
Me: I’m not petty.
Also me: Gives the kid who is mean to my kid yellow gatorade after the soccer game.
[face down in a bowl of hot soup]
WAITER: is everything ok?
ME: could I get a spoon or something
Every morning I have to check my shoes for scorpions. We don’t have scorpions in Illinois people just hate me.
This man is very sweet with me. I’m calling the police
I won’t rest until a cure for insomnia is found
lawyer: “my client claims the altercation began because – and i quote – “he came at me sideways”
crab: “in my defence..”
Spins a web.
Any size.
Catches thieves.
Just like flies.
He waits.
The thieves come.
The web is sticky. The more they struggle, the more entangled they become.
He cocoons them and drains their fluids. The rest will feed his young.
Look out.
Here comes the Spider-Man.
Apparently a guy named George Martin leaked all the main plot points of the next season of Game of Thrones in some books he published. Jerk.
[First date]
Date: I’m looking for a guy who’s above average.
Me: [Trying to be above average] I’ve eaten 17 spiders this year
rich people are like we have to disguise the refrigerator
5: Daddy, can I help?
Me: No, sorry. This is a tough job
5: [robot voice] I. am. a. ro-bot.
I. will. com-plete. the. work. of. 10. men.Me: [handing over tools]
WHY DO BUGS KEEP FLYING AROUND YOU WHEN YOU ARE CLEARLY TRYING TO KILL THEM
16: I hate old people.
Me: That’s where you and I are different.
16: You like old people?!
Me: No, I hate everybody.
One of my biggest fears is the serial killer saying something funny while I play dead.
EVERYBODY NEEDS TO STOP WHAT THEY ARE DOING RIGHT NOW AND ACKNOWLEDGE THE FACT THAT I HAVE JUST SEEN A BEAVER.