The first person to milk a cow was playing a savage game of Truth or Dare
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I still have dents in my head from sleeping in hair curlers
I think my abs look pretty good for a mother of 2 kids.
I don’t have kids.
Marry someone who loves Hawaiian pizza so you can just get your own good tasting pizza all to yourself.
No one goes to target because they need something. You go to target and let target tell you what you need.
Sometimes I like to purchase every item on a person’s Amazon wish list for myself and then let them know I’m living their best life
The fake cough I use when calling in sick is now available on iTunes.
I’d be safe working at Boeing (I’m not blowing anything these days)
Sorry I handed you a broom when you asked for a ride.
Movies Lesson #5: very few people die while trying to get from one hotel room to another using the ledge outside, so give it a shot.
*being chased by serial killer
Me: hold on I need to put on my Fitbit
I was standing in the train station when some guy came up and gave me a dollar in case you need any fashion advice.
me: [struggling to take off a sports bra]
other lady in the locker room: I CAN DO IT MYSELF
8 asked if I had to choose between not having him or not having chocolate for a whole week what would I do and I said I couldn’t believe he’d even ask me that and then I packed a bag for him and said I’d see him in a week
One time I brought my kids to work with me and now my boss is way more tolerant of my drinking.
How many boxes of Girl Scout cookies are in a serving?
Took my fluffy little dog to the beach thinking maybe he’d frolic around in the water, play fetch, dig a hole in the sand. He ran straight for a dead seagull and rolled around on its carcass
Gov. Jan Brewer: “I’ll look into the botched execution, but I’m sure he didn’t suffer because I asked him after and he didn’t say anything.”
Retweet to save a life.
#NationalGirlfriendDay
It wasn’t a crisis until my mother heard about it.
(At a funeral)
Im so sorry for your loss. I know how it feels to lose something you love. Last year Taylor Swift took her music off Spotify.
Therapist: what’s your support system like?
Me: about $150 an oz
Never trust a woman sucking a candycane into a sword.
Worm CEO cuts workforce in half, doubles productivity
My son’s band, Wasting Groceries, is about to release their newest single “Rejected Banana”.
What’s the name of your kid’s band or hit single?
Wife is out of town, so I’ve got the whole bed to myself. Time to sprawl out like a starfish and enjoy every inch*
*I slept in my usual two-foot sliver
I once dated a woman that said I used to much garlic and I got rid of that vampire right quick
GPS: You’re not really lost, you just want someone to talk to.
Have kids so they can wake you at 2 a.m. yelling with what you think is a nightmare and your adrenaline spikes as you rush to their room worried and ready to console them but instead find out they’re just complaining that “it’s too boring in here”
Women have to be pissed knowing female kangaroos have an ingrown, biological fanny pack when they can’t even get pockets in their pants.