The first person to milk a cow was playing a savage game of Truth or Dare
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Not me, adding double spaces after a period to annoy my teen.
My first mistake was letting my kids watch all the Despicable Me movies repeatedly and my second mistake was putting on a yellow shirt with these overalls
Made the mistake of laughing at something my 7yo said and thus entered into a 72-hour hell spiral of listening to him repeat the same joke over and over and over and over…
The best thing capitalism has done is put a little window on pasta boxes so the noodles can look out at the world.
The first person to milk a cow was playing a savage game of Truth or Dare
Of course I’m a morning person, why do you ask?
Whenever I see a dog in a movie, none of the rest of the movie makes sense.
Why are you dealing with all this conflict and drama?
WHY AREN’T YOU AT HOME WITH YOUR DOG??
Judging by the hair on my black shirt , I’m surprised I have any cat left at all.
Honk if you are flying south for the winter in a V formation.
Seriously considering the offer of this guy on the train howling “does anyone want to get married?! I’m 48 years old!!” Might be the best deal I’m going to get at this point
left my toddler unsupervised with a bottle of glitter glue
If you rarely drive on snow, just pretend you’re taking your grandma to church. There’s a platter of biscuits and 2 gallons of sweet tea in glass jars in the back seat. She’s wearing a new dress and holding a crock pot full of gravy.
MECHANIC: listen, I’m not sure if I can fix this
FRED FLINTSTONE: *cradling his broken legs*
can’t now..
having an heated argument with my toaster.
“Dad this is better than Applebee’s”
Well if you need me I will be over here filling out my MasterChef application.
When I was a kid, there were actually six oceans: The Pacific, Atlantic, Indian, Antarctic, Arctic and Billy.
It costs $0.00 to be petty and I love free shit.
Me [gasping]: Man, this stationary bike is harder than it looks.
Trainer: Now that you’re finally on it you should probably start pedaling.
[hiking]
ME: I’m so tired
MOUNTAIN: please sit on my face
I read a list earlier today of toxic things one should avoid
Anyway, thought of you
*At the bar*
Me: What do you have on tap?
Bartender: Bud and Bud Light
Me: I’ll have a Coke.
I made $12 in the cryptocurrency market. Learn how I did it in my new book, “How I made $12 in cryptocurrency market”.
[Reading to 6 about sea turtles this AM before school]
Me: “A nest of sea turtle eggs that is in colder temperatures will hatch all male. A nest in warmer temperatures will hatch all females.” Hmm, cool. Didn’t know that.
6: *thinking* Sooo…Mommy was hot when she had me?
Me:
FINALLY A BEAUTIFUL DAY THAT ISN’T 100 DEGREES OR POURING RAIN
[frogs start falling from sky]
I’m like a squirrel. If I’m crossing a road, and a car comes by, I never know what to do. I just go mad.
Engineer: A short circuit in the deer’s nose could cause it to glow red hot. Yes, it’s dangerous.
But should we recall, the most famous reindeer of all?
Bringing a carrot-and-raisin salad to a potluck is a subtle way to let people know you hate them.
At Fantastic Beasts & some nerds are in Hogwarts robes so I don’t know why they’re giving me the stink eye for my Wonder Woman outfit
boss: my secretary said you needed to see me urgently.
me confident I’ll get the raise I want because I found out his gamer tag: that’s right punished_gordon.
this atm and my therapist need to get together and pick a lane