The first person to realize you can eat bone marrow must have really hated that cow.
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Took the road less travelled after buying the sat nav less expensive.
I don’t know why they call this a house cat he doesn’t even like techno.
Me: Remember, you’re grounded today.
8-year-old: Why?
Me: For what you did last night.
8: You were supposed to forget about that.
Japan’s theme parks have banned screaming on roller coasters because it spreads coronavirus. “Please scream inside your heart.”
First line in frozen pizza instructions: DO NOT EAT FROZEN PIZZA W/OUT COOKING. It’s almost like they know I’m the target demographic.
Spending all my money on lottery tickets so I’ll either be rich or poor, none of this wishy-washy stuff in the middle
If you watch Wall-E backwards its about a little robot that would rather live alone forever than deal with fat people.
‘I have a migraine’
– An Italian farmer after harvest.
[presents children to cashier]
I’d like to return these faulty condoms lol
[speaking at funeral]
Deceased’s brother: there’s no words to describe the anguish we all feel right now
Me: what about ‘anguish’?
PARENTS: your teen may be worshipping Satan. Look for these terms:
LOL – Lucifer Our Lord
BRB – Burn Religious Books
TBH – Tell Beelzebub Hi
I think at this point, a pterodactyl egg has better odds of getting laid than I do.
Always treat your woman like a princess, let a giant turtle kidnap her.
I will never get over the fact that a-hole and b-hole are the exact same thing
that’s just… not what monogamy means??
Ladies, when a creepy guy asks for your # and hands u his phone, text REDCROSS to 90999 so he’ll donate $10 to Disaster Relief.
I don’t share cheese on the first date.
Ghost hunters use special cameras made specifically for taking soulfies.
[playground]
Woman: which one is yours?
My wife: over there [points to team of firefighters cutting me from a tire swing]
A “why working from home is bad” guest column, but from a guy who has clearly cased your house, and is waiting for the chance to rob you during the day
6-year-old: When I grow up, do I have to get a job?
Me: Only if you want food and shelter.
6: *carefully considers her options*
Oh Magic 8-Ball, will anyone ever love me?
My brother drank a bourbon and challenged my kids to Mario Kart. My kids are about to learn how annoying it is to lose to my brother when he’s drunk.
Wanted to respond with “Perfect!” but accidentally sent “Pervert!”
That’s my cue to leave. And sorry, Steve, you’re probably not a pervert.
neurosurgeon: *removes my brain to blow on it and put it back in*
I’m starting to regret my “2015 FOREVER” tattoo.
I saved a ton of money on a security system by hanging a bunch of shitty wind chimes throughout my house.
There’s nothing horribler than a word that isn’t real.
I’m wearing the tie I got married in more than 20 years ago and I don’t want to brag but… it still fits.
