the first person to see a peacock spread his tail probably had a heart attack
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You look like you can go as yourself for Halloween.
Playing mini-golf with your family is a fun way to spend thirty-two dollars to watch your kid throw 18 tantrums in a row.
My first scholarly article was rejected in a letter so scathing I worried there might be criminal charges as well.
I never know how to eat a banana in front of colleagues. To prevent making anyone uncomfortable, I use a knife and fork.
I told the hubs someone must’ve broke in and stole his phone charger.
He’ll believe that before he’ll agree he misplaced it somewhere.
When I eat spaghetti I always check both ends of the noodle so I don’t accidentally kiss a dog.
Piñatas are a great way to teach kids about murdering animals for food.
Just don’t think we should be letting astronauts come back to Earth. You made your choice. You’re space’s problem now.
[inventor of cursive] what if the letters held hands
Your home, like all homes, has an extra light switch that appears to do nothing when flipped. Nevertheless, you pass many idle hours curiously flipping it up and down. Far away, enormous dressage horses spawn out of thin air in my kitchen. Stop flipping the horse switch. Please.
2024 is gonna be better i can feel it in my bones nope that’s the osteoporosis nvm 😭
They say a lot of people put their birth year in their email address. In other news, there are a lot of men born in ’69.
When I was a kid at summer camp, I told my friend Rob I had two goals: to hammer nails up my nose at the camp talent show, and to find a girlfriend.
He said, “You might only get to do the first one.”
GOD- “I will send a plague that will kill all living things on earth”
*Fish slip the LORD a $20*
“On second thought how about a flood?”
Reached the age where I have to do like 150 healthy things every day just so it doesn’t hurt when I burp.
Apparently on Facebook you can “like” that someone “liked” something. I just liked the movie “Inception”, and now we wait.
Obi-wan: You look different.
Vader: You left me burning alive in lava with no arms and legs.
Obi-wan: I thought maybe you got a haircut.
Girls, get your abortions NOW in case the Republicans win
HUSBAND: You dropped your phone, broke a glass, and frightened the dog.
ME: Yeah, but I killed the spider!
Cauliflower is just ghost broccoli.
People are great at finding evidence that supports their beliefs while dismissing any evidence that contradicts them.
Did a trash talking tree write this?
Be nice to us folks who wear glasses. We paid money to see you.
Exercise won’t cure your depression, but it will make you hotter than your ex. Which is sort of the same thing.
“Have you considered living on campus?” I ask.
“For a school that’s 30 minutes away? That’s crazy.” My 17 year old answers.
I eat my chili from a small ice cream bowl with an oversized serving spoon (because all of our dishes are in his room) as I stare sadly out the window.
How did Kim Kardashian get her hands on Liberace’s bath robe? #GrammysRedCarpet
Went on a trampoline with my 1 year old and learned that if you jump JUST right it unfortunately turns into a baby catapult.
Have you decided on dinner?
“Yes, I’ll have the chicken, grilled.”
Very good.
*hears waiter yelling at chicken*
WHERE WERE YOU LAST TUESDAY
Diabetes was the God of sugar.
Stop telling me velociraptor was the size of a large turkey. You’re ruining everything.