the first person to see a peacock spread his tail probably had a heart attack
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(therapist voice)
Please, lie down on the shrouch.
Motion-activated paper towel dispensers should define what motion activates them. I’ve yet to get one until I’ve done the entire hokie-pokie
Cop: Do you know why I pulled you over?
Me: *stops sculpting a Lionel Richie head* Nope. What’s up?
therapist: a lot of my clients are feeling that way right now
me: ok rank us
“I’m not really a big dog person.” – lying werewolf
I can’t watch porn with a storyline cause I get too invested and end up worrying about the delivery man losing his job for taking so long 🙁
starbuck cashier: can i get a name
guy ordering in front of me: it’s Ben
me: ONE WEEK since you looked at me
DATE: It’s hard to find a girl that likes goth guys
ME: [hiding a lantern in my purse] You know, it’s weird, I actually thought your profile said moth guys
The absolute CHAOS of this onesie my mom sent us for the baby…
Dogs are your best friend unless you’re playing hide and seek – they will sell you out.
My husband told me today’s Wordle word as soon as I woke up, so he’s up for grabs if anyone’s interested.
So funny how “go to sleep” and “do parkour” sound exactly the same to kids.
I wish I was as confident as my 15 yo who says he showered even though he smells like onions and rotten taco bell.
I just released a new fragrance, and the people on this elevator are not happy about it.
We weren’t traipsing, Mom. We are rapscallions. We galavant.
🤣🤣🤣🤣🤣🤣🤣
Daughter: Do you think Freddie Mercury and Edgar Allen Poe would get along?
Me: Huh?
Daughter: Cuz he’s just a Poe boy from a Poe family.
I set my GPS voice to Mom, and now when I miss a turn, it says “Your sister wouldn’t have missed that.”
Watch closely as the husband quietly approaches the calm children, riles them up into a frenzy, then slyly escapes to watch football.
me: return of the mack.
cashier: receipt of the mack?
You’re so dead to me I sent flowers to your mother
*Making plans*
FRIEND: So how about next Thursday?
ME: Oh. No can do. I’m gonna have diarrhea all day.
[wife holding credit card statement and yellin down the basement] what’s auto tune?
[me sounding perfect] c’mere baby
Just once I’d like to run into Kanye and refer to him as Kanye Davidson just to see his head explode.
i don’t trust anyone who says they miss high school
…and for my next trick, I will turn yesterday’s sweatpants into today’s sweatpants.
Through repetition and sheer will I’ve mastered gracefully falling on my head
A faceplant is the ultimate fusion cuisine
If there’s no God, why are feet naturally shoe-shaped?
Walking around cemeteries looking at headstones is a great way to come up with baby names.