The first person to see a sunset was probably like well this ain’t good.
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To impress the guys I told them I was dating an artist. I didn’t tell them her preferred medium was sandwiches.
me: *hand on his shoulder* you can’t save everybody. just call time of death
doctor: you have a sprained ankle
Me: *taps one-night-stand on forehead* Unfollowed.
One-Night-Stand: It doesn’t work like that…
Me: *taps him on forehead again* Blocked.
A chihuahua is just a barking cat.
[Day at the beach]
*Puts suits on kids, slathers them with sunscreen, makes sandwiches, packs cooler, packs beach bags, lugs 50 lbs or crap to beach, trudges over sand, lays out blanket, puts up umbrella, sets up beach chairs, *
6yo after 30 minutes: I wanna go back home
“Parkour” I yell, as I fall during my sobriety test
No one makes fun of your unibrow if you’re a cyclops.
You are the wind beneath my overly-sensitive, motion-activated floodlight.
I am tired of being a part of a major historical event
Paint me like one of your French girls….
With a big fat croissant in my mouth
i have a playlist titled russian roulette which is composed of under pressure by queen like 10 times and ice ice baby by vanilla ice once
therapist: a lot of my clients are feeling that way right now
me: ok rank us
Went to my bosses funeral this weekend. I leaned over and whispered in his ear.
“who’s thinking outside the box now Gary.”
Well, this explains it:
It’s always cool to swallow your pride unless you’re a lion.
Lol
[at home on video conference call]
Yeah boss I don’t know why I keep dropping. Maybe my connection is bad.
*pauses Netflix on 2nd monitor*
*text alert*
me: i hope that’s my crush
pharmacy: thanks for picking up your antipsychotics today
Person: “I can’t believe I’ve been sitting for two hours.”
Me [from my wheelchair]: “Amateur.”
sorry for the inconvenience but the park will be closing for one hour because we accidentally made one of the dinosaurs too big
FRIEND: I hate when people refer to their pets as children.
ME: You do that all the time with your dog.
FRIEND: I don’t have a dog.
ME: …
FRIEND: Are you referring to my toddler?
ME: …Probably.
*forgets why I walked into a room*
*remembers lyrics to a song I heard once 20 years ago*
When I’m having a bad day nothing sets me off quite like trying to pull one wipe out of the container and 47 more coming with it
when you smoosh the tiny bar of soap into the big bar of soap and make them one soap
For all the people who doubted me:
You were right
“I love you and I will always keep you safe.”
DAUGHTER: What about bees?
“I love you and I will sometimes keep you safe.”
Gravity, at all times, is trying to pull your pants down
Find you a woman that looks at you the way my ex wife looked at my best friend, his brother, my stepdad, my bother-in-law, a handful of her coworkers, a group of bikers at the local bar that one time, that one dude who lived in the apartment above us…
Waking up late is a great way to see which steps of your personal hygiene routine are really unnecessary.
My dog was outside barking like a maniac, so I opened the back door and screamed, “Jesus Christ! Get in the God damn house!”
Two minutes later, my husband came home and told me that our neighbors are having an Easter egg hunt…outside.
I guess I have to move now.