The first person to see a sunset was probably like well this ain’t good.
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[restaurant]
waiter: how would you like your steak
me: i don’t know, medium?
medium: *gazes into crystal ball* you will like it a lot
you idiots are out here getting your wisdom teeth removed. me? i am having more added. where did you think yours were going? that’s right, my mouth. i have 107 wisdom teeth now. my wisdom has never been higher. i am realizing for the first time that this was not a good idea
Me: Do you want to hit the steam room after this?
Leonard the shrimp I work out with: *aggressive shrimp noises*
Me: Christ, it’s a joke Leonard. Calm down.
I entered into a conversation so circular, my blood separated.
I hate when millennials make up new words and demand that we all use them. people should only communicate like they did before we started making up all these words: using short grunts & hitting each other over the head with large knobbly clubs
Went to the gym for the first time in months. It turns out I’m more ready for exhuming than I am for exercising.
I have always been pro people but my god you f***ers have ground me down.
Cop 1: There’s been another murder
Cop 2: I think I see a pattern emerging
Cop 1: Please. Put your knitting down and focus
Steven: Good evening
Stephen: Good ephening
I have a coworker with the same first name as me, and my boss is always talking about sending him on trips or assigning him projects, and it makes me anxious even though I know he’s not talking about me.
I bet Beyoncé doesn’t have this problem.
I wish Costco offered samples at the liquor and electronics department
(sees a hot guy at the bar)
me: hey dude. why don’t you take off that big coat? you’re sweating everywhere
It’s almost that time of night where I drunk text my ex “I have to tell you something” then shut my phone off.
My girlfriend told me she needed a hip replacement. So I found a vegan yoga instructor that let’s me do whatever I want.
Just realized that my spirit animal is Winnie the Pooh.
Two words: No pants.
Husband: How’s your diet going?
Me: *scraping cheese off his burger wrapper with my teeth* Fine.
9: (watching YouTuber play old school Mario)
Me: That’s the game I used to play when I was a kid.
9: You were alive back then?
ad for jk rowling’s fantastic beasts and where to find them:
wat if harry poter was pokemon
Where on my donor card do I indicate that my organs are not to be used to save anyone who pronounces it “eck-cetera?”
When you’re 8 and show up in an ugly rubber witch mask to trick or treat with your friends and they’re all dressed up as pretty princesses.
That’s me in a nutshell.
[trapped inside a volcano]
Me:
Toddler:
Me:
Toddler: Be Careful…
Me: *sigh*
Toddler: The floor is lava…
Gemini: Sometimes you are your own worst enemy. Not today though. Today it is Jeff.
I told my four-year-old nephew to ask his teacher if nursery rhymes with cows jumping over the moon is proof of the flat Earth, and my brother got big mad at me.
How to get out of a car in front of a large crowd of people
Step 1: forget to take your seat belt off
What do you call a laughing motorcycle?
Yamahahahahahahahahaha
I always bring luggage when visiting my mom because I know she’ll send me on a guilt trip
No toddler in the world would ever pass a field sobriety test
I’m not usually a fan of non-fiction, but this Cheesecake Factory menu is a real page turner.
the bad guy in hallmark movies is a boyfriend who is like “uh no babe i cant drop everything + leave work this weekend im about to close a deal for ten million dollars that will set us up for life” and the good guy is a guy who is just standing there when she gets to her hometown
my favorite part of nascar is when I vomit all over my shirt and car after the race., desecrating the logos of the brands that enslave me