The first person to see a sunset was probably like well this ain’t good.
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Be grateful for those who keep your secrets.
That way you don’t have to kill them & go to prison.
As a funeral director, I always tie the shoe laces together of the deceased.The zombie apocalypse will be hilarious.
A couple I know went hiking for their 25th anniversary which sounded shady to me.
If someone says they like something, responding with “You would” is a highly efficient put-down. In just two words, you’ve implied that a) the thing they like sucks, and b) they have predictably bad taste. Work smarter, not harder.
ME: Okay, sure, I’m turning 50. But I’m young at heart!
HEART: Actually, I’ve got quite a bit of cholesterol building up here, buddy.
*Spends the first 7 minutes of my job interview carefully tearing off the perforated edge of my spiral notebook resume*
Doc gave me new meds & I forgot what he said to do with the old meds so been taking em all and boy o boy what a day.
starting an onlyfans but it’s just videos of me trying to use chopsticks
Went to a public park and my 4yo was like, “Is this Disney World?!”
The answer is yes and I’ll cut anyone who tells her differently.
“The following program is intended for mature audiences only”
Me: *leaves room
Her: Do you know any dog photographers?
Me *imagining a labrador holding a camera* no but I want to
Got kicked out of the gang for taking instant photos of the homies and calling them brolaroids
Give a man a fish, he’ll eat for a day.
Teach a man to fish, he’ll contribute to the global overdepletion of the ocean.
So give him a salad, maybe.
this town’s getting on my nerves, gonna blow off some steam by doing a dance routine at the abandoned warehouse
ME, TO MY BEER: Let’s get to the bottom of this.
My new coffee table book, “Accidental Screenshots,” is available for pre-order now.
[Grand Canyon]
*His screams echo as he falls to his death*
OMG THE ACOUSTICS ARE AMAZING HERE! HOW IS THIS NOT A CONCERT VENUE?
Calls restaurant:
Me – Hi, is your place kid friendly?
Host – Yes it is.
Me – Thank you.
Host – Would you like to make a reservation?
Me – Nope.
doctor: your wife is not responding
husband: is she mad at you
My cat is bilingual. He ignores me in both English and Spanish.
Neanderthal: *flirting* you know what they say, once you go Neanderthal you never go back at all
Scientist: why do they say that?
Neanderthal: because I smashed your time machine
*seductively unhooks bra, & two cheese balls fall out*
This new thesaurus isn’t just terrible, it’s also terrible.
All cats can totally do taxes, they just won’t.
doctor: i have your blood test here
me: and?
doctor: you failed
Cop: I saw you fly through that intersection
Me: the light was green
Flight attendant: that’s not why he’s mad
[First Date]
Me: Mom said be wary of a full moon.
Moon: That’s no excuse for eating my food.
Scary is handing your car keys to the same kid who unintentionally locked himself in the bathroom that morning.
This recipe’s great because you probably have all the ingredients on hand! OK let’s start: grind your caribou horn down til you have half a teaspoon of powder…
GUY: I wish girls liked comics.
GIRL: I love comics.
GUY: Oh really? Then what’s the Hulk’s favorite flavor ice cream?