The first person to throw out bath water: Uh oh.
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“Miley Cyrus: ‘Society Wants to Shut Me Down'”. Not down, Miley. Up.
Being a lawyer is so funny because someone will have their dog off the leash at a park, barreling towards my dog, and jog screaming “oh, he’s friendly” and I’ll scream back “And you have strict and total liability if he isn’t” and suddenly they turn into Usain Bolt
Who invented Bull Riding? Hey, I’m gonna hop on that 2,000 pound pissed off animal…Time me.
Where it all went wrong
Me: Oh I love your hair, you look like a different person.
Her: Is that what you want?
love that the person on this box of tea looks like they’re being cooked on a spit like a 7/11 hotdog
I fill the pantry with healthy snacks and then get mad when we don’t have any junk food in the house.
beauty:
beast:
beauty: *sips tea*
beast: *sips tea*
beauty:
beast:
beauty: was this inside mrs. potts—
beast: you know I’ve been too scared to ask
“the only thing standing between you and your dreams is you” yeah have you met me that’s gonna be a problem
My wife tricked me into looking at her to-do list by leaving it on the kitchen counter inside a Victoria’s Secret bag.
Me: siphoning thrills, fantasy and romance from the library’s books
Friend: why can’t you just say “I’m reading”
Me: You’re sooo cute!! Come over here and give me a hu—
4 (*leaving the room*): Pause my show.
Me: I love it when you call me señorita *kisses neck* I wish I could pretend I didn’t need ya.
Liquor Store Clerk: Please get your mouth off of the wine bottle until you’ve paid for it.
If you work at a library and a barber shop you’re a barbarian
When’s dinner?
-My kids an hour after finishing Thanksgiving dinner
[sees a squirrel walking, not running, out of a cemetery] sweet jesus this is how it begins
If it weren’t for bad decisions, I’d be pretty indecisive.
Him: What are you watching?
Me: Um, it’s like a foreign documentary
Him: What’s it called?
Me: I don’t actually remember
Him: Is it 90 Day Fiancé?
Me: yeah
They left us in the waiting room so long at the orthodontist this morning my son formulated a plan for what he would do there in case of earthquakes, tornadoes, hurricanes, fire, kidnappers and zombies
Saint Peter: Name
M: David
SP: You’re in
M: Even after that night in Nogales?!
SP *winks*
*takes a step*
*trap door opens*
SP: Sucka!
Sean Swordd: mighty
Sean Penn: mightier
You can take your favorite hat on vacation or you can take a junk hat in case you lose it. I have forgotten both.
I just took a shower…
You have no idea how hard it was to sneak that thing out of Home Depot.
me: if the prince truly loved cinderella he would remember her face. he just had a foot fetish and great resources.
guy: where is our regular priest
ME: No, no, no! I’m not saying they necessarily DID exist at the same time! What I’m saying is, IF they did, then Captain Hook and Scar from Lion King WOULD’VE been best friends!
MY CAT: *meow*
ME: Delusional how?
[Takes dog to park]
*waits for romantic comedy to begin
Whenever the wife asks what I’m eating. I chew faster like a dog and refuse to open my mouth
So sweet. An A380 playing in the snow.
I hate when people take my glasses, put them on, and say, “Ohhh, you really can’t see” ..NO shit..
My dog stepped in the pumpkin pie. I’m serving it anyway.
watching gymnastics
