The first person to throw out bath water: Uh oh.
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Got flagged by airport security because my son had a Magic 8 Ball in his backpack. Two TSA agents debated whether it was ok. My husband said, “If only we had a simple way to answer a yes or no question…” Crickets.
back in my day criminals had the decency to carry around a sack with a “$” on it so you knew what they were up to
My job demands an awful lot of responsibility for someone who still hopes he wakes up with superpowers one day.
Wanna make a boyfriend? Choose someone who’s still playing Wordle. He’ll never leave you.
TEXTING 101
ME: Hi
College son:
ME: How are you?
CS:
ME: Are you still alive?
CS: …
CS:
CS:
ME: I can cut off your phone
CS: Hi Ma love u
Have you ever noticed that Santa brings better gifts to the kids that have rich parents?
Him: I lost my dog today at the company picnic!
Me: You should post something on FaceBook.
Him: My dog isn’t on FaceBook.
Me:
My son cuddled up to my bump and was talking about how he could see the baby and it would have been cute if I were pregnant.
“Honey, don’t try to feed ice cream to the Christmas tree,” is a thing I literally just said.
The problem with this world is that they just let anyone in.
they really said video games would melt our brains when it was actually watching the news that did it
me: dinosaurs can’t jump
her: how do u know
me: they’re dead Linda
(yawn)
What I learned from Titanic was that u need to have sex as soon as possilble with the person u like cause u never know what might happen.
I’m at doc’s office & they have 3 designated areas: flu like symptoms, stomach virus symptoms, & kids. I don’t want to catch any of the 3.
Him: I’m a champion bull rider, baby. I know how to handle the ride.
Me: All I’m hearing is you last for 8 seconds.
When emails tell me to “Act Now!,” I immediately start reciting lines from Shakespeare.
You can put a satire warning on whatever you want. People who think Onion stories are real do not know what that word means.
Me: Where do you want to eat?
Her: Wherever you pick is fine.
Narrator: Wherever he picked was not fine.
Young God: ok, a little hydrogen and-
*chemistry set explodes*Mom: what was that?!
God: nothing! *scoops resulting universe into shoebox*
Who called them cat allergies and not meowlergies
[speed dating]
Me “Why are you covered in blood?”
Her “it’s just a conversation starter!
Me:…
Her: And it worked! So… what blood type are you?”
Woman on the phone congratulates you for winning “Unknowing Android of the Year.” “I’m not an android!” you protest. “Marvelous,” she gushes
birthday cake is the only thing that someone can blow and spit on, yet, everybody wants a slice?
I got tazed in the zoo again for telling a group of kids that an angry giraffe is called a grrraffe.
Parenting means begging your kids to leave you alone for 5 minutes only to freak out when it’s been 10 minutes and realizing that you don’t know where they are.
#ImNotWorriedCuz I’ve got a license
Friend: I got an audition for the play that cannot be named
Me: *Nodding* Fight Club
All I want is for my kids to have a good sense of humor. They don’t have to be funny, just need to be able to recognize how hilarious I am.