The first person who started winking at others was probably the creepiest human ever.
You Might Also Like
A grilled cheese sandwich has never sent mixed signals, just saying
The hardest part of making new friends is weeding out the people who just want to sell you leggings.
I kid you not.
-Condom wearers
*interrogating cat*
Admit it! You’re a Communist!
“Meow”
A no-good red!
“Meow”
Tough guy eh?
“Meow”
We can do this all night.
“Mao”
You–wait
If you see me shaking in my boots that’s just how I dance ok?!
The “bangles to politicians” insult says “come be weak like women because the weak wear bangles”. No thanks, “self-proclaimed real men”.
I got a T-shirt with an Ouija board printed on the back and now I get free massages from superstitious people.
I now know why they’re called the wee hours of the night
Sometimes I feel like a decent parent and sometimes my kids start fiddling with the volume and temperature in my car without asking.
7: “I know why pee is yellow. Because you have to squeeze to get pee out, like a lemon.”
You’d think that the guy in charge of putting pepperoni on frozen pizzas would’ve been up for a performance review by now.
If I’m extra friendly and super sweet when I see you again, it’s cause I’ve forgotten your name
My safe word is “insufficient funds”.
Just went outside for 10 mins and the mosquitoes treated me like I was fresh eggs at a continental breakfast
*continues eating while receiving the Heimlich*
Starting to think that having kids just to get some help around the house was a bad idea.
When she jokingly asks “You’re not a serial killer, are you?”
It is NOT okay to jokingly say, “Well, you’d be my first!” in response.
I saved a ton of money on a security system by hanging a bunch of shitty wind chimes throughout my house.
CLERK: That’ll be 95 cents.
ME: Here’s a dollar.
CLERK: Nickel back?
ME: God, no.
I found love at ninja school.
Yeah it just crept up on me and totally took me by surprise.
I scream, you scream, we all scream for ice cream. This kid working at Baskin Robbins is pretty scared. Now he’s crying in the corner.
Cleaned out my closet and found Narnia. I should check on these folks more often, their political and social infrastructure is in shambles
barbara was highly relatable
It’s all fun and games until you realize he understands Spanish.
I’m at a Metallica concert, and the woman beside me just used her phone to google “Metallica.”
Sweaters don’t sweat.
Jumpers don’t jump.
And knickers don’t knick.
-Just a few of the reasons that keep me up at night
Shout out to the young woman in Tesco who, when asked for ID, yelled “oh my god, do I really look that young?!” and then it turned out she was 17.
MORPHEUS: choose the red pill or the blue pill
NEO: which one turns into the coolest dinosaur
At what point do they stop replacing the wobbly wheels and just send the shopping cart off to live on the farm?
Can’t find your children? Try turning off the wifi. They appear suddenly.