The first person who started winking at others was probably the creepiest human ever.
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Dusting the thermostat for fingerprints.
*pronounces bondage like corsage.
Sometimes at the gym I’ll struggle and make all kinds of awkward grunting sounds, but eventually I’ll get my shorts on.
Boss: We need you to go undercover
Me: No problem I’m great at keeping secrets like when I peed my pants on my first day here
Boss: Today’s your first day
Him: We have made it completely idiot proof
Me: Stand aside and let a professional determine that
I’m getting old. I wake up now and my body is like…
Bladder: better hurry up!
Back: woah, no sudden movements!
Foot: CRAMP!
Head: ouch, did we drink last night?
Neck: CRAMP!
Back: WHAT DID I SAY ABOUT SUDDEN MOVEMENTS!
Bladder: um, so I’ve got some news…
Student: I want a bunny, but my dad says bunnies just die.
Me: So? You’re going to die, and he had you.
Signs you’re a full fledged adult:
• You choose restaurants based on the availability of parking
• You pay attention to the weather now
• You have at least one mole you’re keeping an eye on
• You have a favorite stove burner
• You don’t give af what’s “cool” anymore
One of the most fastest seahorses was Landbiscuit
Dating is an expensive way to find out you don’t like someone.
My college roommate made a student film about a guy’s life falling apart from drugs. A neighbor saw the baking soda lines on the Frankenstein poster in my room. She whispered, “Is Jake ok? Now I know why he looks so strung out.” “It’s fine, he’s just an engineering student.”
let’s make a deal: if we’re both single when we’re 40 we’ll meet up together in a neutral area and hunt each other for sport
Underwear isn’t protecting you from your pants. It’s protecting your pants from YOU! Another conspiracy uncovered.
Therapy: Expensive
saying “ew” out loud to anything or anyone that opposes you: Free
I wish catalog models could do one pose with bad posture, looking awkward and self-conscious, so I’d know how the outfit would look on me
Why procrastinate today
When you could procrastinate tomorrow
If you don’t have anything nice to say, you’ve come to the right place.
Movies taught me that, when you place a small sentimental item in someone’s hand, you also have to close their hand for them.
*first day in a Vegas poker tournament
Me: I’m all in
Host: Sir, this is the buffet
“let’s run away together” babe no we have dishes to do
“age is just a number” yeah the older i get the number i feel
-Knock Knock!
-Who is it?
-The love of your life.
– 🙂 Really?
-Hahahaha no, it’s the pizza you ordered.
“What’s your band name?”
“The Who”
“The band?”
“Not The Band, The Who”
“Please don’t make me guess who”
“Not The Guess Who. The Band is a band but we’re the band The Who”
“May I have some of your drugs?”
Always remember to look for the end of the extension cord you left in the yard before taking a piss.
I’m no sadist. Some of my best friends are sad.
My superpower is choosing the one table in a restaurant next to the woman talking loudly enough that I know her entire family tree when I leave.
Just saw a mail truck drive by on a Sunday, I assume it was full of either FBI agents or jewel thieves
Nissan keeps sending me emails with my monthly vehicle health report. I hope the car is healthy but I haven’t owned it for 3 months.
Me: how are you?
Toddler: shitty.
Me: I hear that.
Toddler: can you change me?
Me: I can try but happiness comes from within.
Wife: HIS DIAPER YOU IDIOT.
DELIVERY GUY: Here’s your 3 toppings pizza.
ME: Sorry, I don’t have enough left to tip you.
DELIVERY GUY: Then why didn’t you just order 2 toppings?
ME: *reluctantly hands him the pepperoni*