The first person who started winking at others was probably the creepiest human ever.
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I ordered a toilet seat from Amazon and now based on the ads I see they must think I have an insatiable toilet seat addiction
Why would I want a memory pillow? Sleep is where I go to forget.
Helped my kid pick out a “famous past explorer” for a class assignment.
Hope no one else in her class picks Internet Explorer 6.
What idiot called it a rhyme book & not rapping paper
[cavemen, having discovered fire, tentatively placing part of an animal carcass above the flames]
[my mother, suddenly appearing out of a time machine] You know you can do that just as easily in the air fryer.
You know what bothers me? When people assume you’re homeless cause you’re asleep on the street and your pants are gone..
I’m not paying the ransom for my son. We do not negotiate with hospitals.
You can rain on my parade but please don’t poop in my punch bowl.
#Caturday
If I ever pass out, don’t come at me with smelling salts. A salted caramel cookie will do the trick.
*seductively winces due to lower back pain
*Zuckerberg sits in front of congress*
“Mr Zuckerberg, we have several very serious questions and we demand answers”
“I have printed out all of your Internet histories”
“This meeting is over”
My kid is refusing to go to bed until 10, so to pass the time he’s going to lie down in bed and wait…until 10
*zoom meeting*
Boss: do you have anything to add, you’ve been very quiet during this discussion
Me: well sir, it’s because I haven’t been listening
Is it “nemesis” or “nemeses”? I’m renewing my wedding vows.
haunted house: get. out.
me: (telling spicy gossip) right?
I experienced a potato famine once; it was the longest night of my life.
Narrator: Ursula ran out of vodka.
Motherhood is the perfect combination of heart swelling pride and “I didn’t sign up for this.”
“Get in the van if you want to live.”
Creepy Terminator…
Librarian: Shhh!
Me: Shh!
Librarian: Shh!
Me: Shh!
Librarian: *glares at me*
Me: Look lady, I can do this all day.
I’m doing the 30 day taco cleanse
Do the people who set the paper towel dispensers to only dispense 2 inches at a time not know that I’m gonna take like 27 of those things?
8yo played some songs for me on the recorder, and I clapped enthusiastically when she was done, but then she glared at me because it was just the intermission and all I’m saying is thank god this venue has wine.
Me: I dangle gummy worms out of my bathing suit bottoms and wear a sign that says, “Early bird gets the worm.”
Priest: Super weird, but not a sin.
Have I done my taxes? No. Have I sent myself an email with the subject line “DO TAXES”? Yes, and that is half the battle.
English Language: ‘I before E, except after C’.
Keith: That’s not true.
English Language: Don’t make it weird.
Keith: But you just..
English Language: Wow ur feisty this morning, someone hasn’t had their caffeine lol
There’s magic in the air and it’s called Wifi.
Just made an annoying kid shut right up by making a throat slash gesture.
So I guess you could say I’m like a child whisperer.
I didn’t choose the thug life, the thug life chose me; mistakenly as it were because I have the nerves of a guinea pig and puke when I cry.