The first person you think of when you wake up is the one. So anyways, my soulmate is 5 more minutes of sleep.
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And now for my next trick, I’ll turn your root canal into a ski vacation
Me: what?
My dentist: what?
My sister is holding her baby in one hand and a cup of Starbucks in the other, I’m going to toss her phone at her to see who gets dropped.
DETECTIVE: TELL US WHERE THE STOLEN BANK MONEY IS HIDDEN
ROBBER: Nope, but I WILL give you a series of clues
DETECTIVE: ok this sounds fun
Me: Can my gift this year be a new secretary.
Boss: I cannot legally assign you anyone until your last secretary’s case goes to trial…
DOCTOR: Yes, stripping to the waist is necessary for this check-up
ME: uh ok. Should I do it too?
DOCTOR [flexing biceps] yeah if you want
leatherface: cmon, we’re gonna be late!
pinhead: *putting in one pin at a time* this doesn’t just HAPPEN you know
leatherface: you look fine
I wish Jehovah Witnesses were Jojoba Witnesses and they only stopped by to watch you put on their complimentary hand cream.
If your date asks what you do for a living, just say “You let me worry about that.”
[Exit interview]
HR: So, where do you think you went wrong?
GUY WHO LET THE BIG WOOD HORSE INTO TROY:
i never got involved in drugs as a youngster bc there was too much spice girls dance choreography to learn.
“What’s it like having a two year old boy?”
*throws a toy car at his face*
Like that.
We should be able to pick our zodiac sign, like choosing your piece in Monopoly: “Nope I’m not playing today unless I can be the crab or the lion”
[first date]
HER: i’m super close to my dad
ME: *trying to impress* you’re grounded
I remember when yoga was called Twister.
can someone please help me, i’m still at the fyre festival
When the ex asks to be friends… it’s like your mum telling you that your dog is dead but you can keep it.
succession fans be like “the next episode is gonna be CRAZY” and the episode in question is “sign this piece of paper” “no”
“People probably won’t ever need to reseal this ever, right?” – brown sugar manufacturers.
My ex is having a baby. Ummmm obsessed with me much? I used to be a baby…
Her: All day long I’ve had the strangest feeling that someone’s ….. watching me.
Me: Why, do you hear laughter?
You can arrest protesters. You can take away their first amendment rights. You can even expel them. But you still can’t make a college commencement ceremony fun.
Everyone seems to be sharing this joke. Here it is from years ago in one of my old specials.
#NeverForget
Coffee so strong I’m starting to believe I’m The Flash.
I listen to a lot of white noise, so I get really excited when it rains or someone turns on a fan. It’s like seeing my favourite band live.
Fun idea: Have a magician saw you in half at your funeral. Or not even a magician, just anybody with a big saw.
We’re about two years from funerals starting and ending with, “don’t forget to like, share and subscribe.”
When I’m mad at my kids I like to sing the wrong lyrics to the music as I rage clean just to piss them off. That way we can all be mad at each other.
boy pyromaniac: *starts first fire*
Dad pyromaniac: “im so prou-”
Mom pyromaniac: “dont say it!”
Dad pyromaniac: “im so proud of arson”
It’s just like my grandma used to tell me, never teach a monkey martial arts