The first pyramid scheme was when the Egyptians took credit for the pyramids that were clearly built by dinosaurs.
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“You have such a great personality”
Me: Thanks, I collect them
30% of Republican primary voters nationally say they support bombing Agrabah. Agrabah is the country from Aladdin. #NotTheOnion
[My first 4th of July in the States]
Me: so when do we fight the aliens?
Friend: umm, it’s just fireworks and pie.
Me: this is bullshit
Jesus must’ve had a fortune if he paid for all my sins
ASSISTANT: so what dimensions do the doors, hinges, walls, and locks need to be so that it all fits?
GUY WHO INVENTED PUBLIC BATHROOM STALLS: can’t stress how unimportant that part is
hello i have a very silly piece about hot dogs in the new yorker today!
you can read the whole thing here:
I don’t like the person I become when my boss tells me I should be working while at work
Guy doing yoga
Me: Poser!
The expired vitamins I take every two years aren’t working
Yeah, well, I didn’t exactly want to be late for work today either but it’s not like hot wings can shave themselves out of chest hair.
*romantically sprinkles a rose pedal path to the dirty dishes
@KrangTNelson @funTweeters I am not a millennial, I am straight out the the 70’s and I make up new words to suite myself. Like you don’t get a spoonful of mashed potatoes you get a thwack of mashed potatoes because that is the sound it makes when they hit your plate thwack.
ME: Cauliflower is bullshit.
EXECUTIONER: Those are really gonna be your last words?
The years 2045. 90s kids are old &wrinkly. Grandma tosses seeds to pigeons “Go insane go insane throw sum glitter make it rain” she whispers
We need to go back to the days when every town only had one single, bumbling, sheriff who was constantly falling asleep while leaning back in a chair and forgetting that he’d left the town’s only jail cell unlocked
A person running around with a laptop chasing an unsecured WiFi signal looks eerily like a cat chasing a laser pointer.
Enter password:
“ScoobyDoo”
sorry password must contain a special character
ScoobydooFeaturingBatman
Dear Santa, I’ve been good all year.
Most of the time.
Once in a while.
Never mind, I’ll buy my own stuff.
Did Roberto Martinez just moonwalk out of the job
[job interview]
“So what would you say is your biggest weakness?”
“I’m pretty bad at reading situations.” *tries to kiss interviewer*
Two words have helped me open a lot of doors in my life. Push and Pull.
gonna open a bar called “well, actually” and any time someone utters that phrase they have to buy everyone in the place a round of well shots
Therapist: It’s been 8 years since the death of your parents. How are you coping?
Bruce Wayne: I dress as a bat and beat up strangers now.
In Europe, her milkshake brings all the boys to the meter.
The girl across from me is on the phone to her boyfriend. I regret nodding when she told him she looked terrible.
Google search history:
Marawana
Marjawana
Is there a j in marawana
Wheat
Wheat for smoking
Free wheet
Newborn babies implies there are oldborn babies and honestly that’s terrifying
I dunno…maybe the Mars Rover can find all the spoons and bowls in my kids bedroom.