The first pyramid scheme was when the Egyptians took credit for the pyramids that were clearly built by dinosaurs.
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I have the ‘Luck of the Irish!’ Unfortunately it’s the ‘Great Potato Famine’ era ‘Luck of the Irish’.
I walked a girl home last night, and things got a little awkward at one point.
She turned around and found out I was walking her home.
when people say “I have two awesome kids” I always wonder how many they have total
and jesus said, “there was only one set of footprints because sandpeople always ride single file to hide their numbers.”
My son wasn’t listening so I said his attitude was super cringe and he looked up at me in horror and look at that he heard me.
Eddie Murphy at the premiere of Purple Rain, 1984.
After a long day at work I sat on the sofa in front of the TV.
Sensing I was stressed, my 7 year old sat next to me, smiled, and held my hand.
It’s nice and everything but it was my phone-holding hand.
All men reach an age when we greet each other with “There he is.”
Me: omg I’m so tired today
Also me: let’s stay up til 2am again and see if it fixes it.
Almost got asked for ID this morning!
Ok, most of my face was covered by a mask but I’m still having it!
Meet Sugar, she doesn’t like to be ridden. If Sugar is approached with a saddle she lyes down and pretends to be asleep. Sugar refuses to open her eyes until the riders leave.
[Putting petrol in car]
19.95
19.96
19.97
[stops]
[gently now]19.98
[very gently]
19.99
[ok, once more]
[deep breath]37.83
GODDAMMIT
*At the local breakfast restaurant
Server: And how would you like your eggs, sir?
Me: Reese’s
My career goal is to immortalize every travel nightmare on the silver screen
– Tom Hanks, probably
How the hell can people with kids ever sell anything ‘gently used’?
All my furniture looks like it was in a bar fight.
When your lying in bed and you sneeze upwards towards a moving ceiling fan there’s really no need to take a shower for the rest of the day.
Trust me on this.
[At the Rumble]
her *aggressively taking off earrings and heels*
me *desperately trying to find somewhere to set down my ice cream cone*
*Date with a boy I dated when we went to kindergarden*
*puts two big bowls of worms and mudwater on the table*
Him-YUCK!!!
Me-You’ve changed
Gang initiations from the Midwest be like “you have to eat the entire potato salad”
That soy sauce packet is just living rent free in your drawers
<— only has 13 problems left.
Turns out, getting divorced cured 86 of em!
I’ve been married for about 45 lbs.
Please leave a message after the entire Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles II soundtrack.
[Bar]
SEXY GIRL: Wanna go back to my house?
ME: That’s ok, thanks, I have my own house[3 days later]
ME: [spits out coffee] DAMN IT
Ask a man if he’s critiquing your work…
Men Who Are Dating say: No, & compliment you.
Single Men say: Yes
Married Men: Try to hide
interviewer: why do you want this job?
me: i’m a job guy. love jobs
“You do you” is the nicest way to call someone an idiot.
When in doubt, ignore an unknown number on your mobile, never hit Reply All, and always wear clothes when you step out of your house.
So I taught myself how to juggle chainsaws from a YouTube video and let’s just say this took me twenty minutes to type out one handed
What’s so funny?