The first Roman soldier to be paid in salt: “Seems legit”
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I’ve honestly never been more disappointed in life than when I found out that the Miami Dolphin football team was made up entirely of people
No one comes off looking worse than the third party who was asked to interfere in a couple fight.
If a sister is a nun then a brother is a bun this makes zero sense aaand send
Neighbor: Do you want to see our new baby?
Me: I didn’t even want to see the old one
What percentage of the zombies are just chasing you down to tell you they’re vegan?
The cheese grader saw me walk in the house with a bag of shredded cheddar and shit got real awkward.
I had a lazy eye as a child and now the rest of my body has caught up.
[tries to eject CD 5 mins into space mission]
Houston we have a problem
I KNOW U CHEATED W/MY WIFE TOM ENJOY 12 YRS OF SMASH MOUTH U PRICK
No YOUR addicted to correcting people’s grandma on the Twitter
It’s not a coincidence that so many blues songs start with “Woke up this morning…”
Sports bra is so tight my cleavage starts at my chin
avoided the guys with the white uniforms and human sized nets again so yeah it was a decent day
STATUS UPDATE: Helping my coworkers look for the last leftover donut I ate in the conference room this afternoon.
If you’re 6’5” tall and drop something, I imagine you just keep walking, like “yeah, THAT’s gone now…”
The rule for washing jeans is once every financial quarter.
I’m starting a Kickstarter to bring a lion from Africa and let it loose in a dentist’s office.
you know the joke for kids that goes like this?:
“what do you call an alligator in a vest?”
“an investigator.”well, i think i just wrote a new one that goes like this:
“what do you call a duck who’s a detective?”
“deductive.”BONUS: a detective IS an investigator.
date: i like a guy who’s strong-
me: i can bench 130 lbs
date: enough to tell the truth
me: on the moon
Been trying to eat healthier. Saw this sign and was just like “damn. I sure do.”
Is it okay for men to sit down to pee? The manager of this sofa store doesn’t seem to think so.
Apparently saying “Alexa: skip” during my wife’s story is rude
I think Twitter is affecting my eyesight. I’m having difficulty seeing the laundry pile up
ME: I give you all my love and infection.
HIM: Um. Don’t you mean love and ‘affection’?
ME: …
HIM: …
ME: You should get tested.
I support this random dude and all his protests
When I write “I hope this email finds you well” I’m referring to the email’s skills in tracking you down.
Cat is stressing him out.
MAYOR’S TIP: before you spend 20 minutes blowing an air mattress, make sure it’s really an air mattress, and not Gary hiding under a blanket
An apostrophe is just a comma
trying to move up in the world.
A hypnotist made me believe I was a bendable metal with an atomic number of 82. I’m easily lead.
