The first Roman soldier to be paid in salt: “Seems legit”
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the collective noun for a group of reply guys is an audacity
[gets a little voodoo doll of myself and makes it do pushups]
This app would like to use your location. It also wants you to mow the lawn and call your parents more often.
“The library was closed yesterday.”
“Yes.”
“I tried to call with a question.”
“Sorry for the inconvenience.”
“It was kind of important.”
“Well can I help you with it now?”
“I wanted help yesterday.”
“Well, I’m here now.”
“Okay fine. What’s Harrison Ford’s astrological sign?”
[First date]
Her: Are you literally WEARING a red flag?
Me: Yes, do you like it? Hey! Come back!
Protip: If you refer to yourself as “someone” when explaining something bad that happened, your wife will always know that “someone” is you.
The secret to work life balance is generational wealth
Sometimes I feel bad for yelling at my kids, but then I remember that some animals eat their kids and I don’t feel so bad anymore.
My true love: [gives to me a partridge in a pear tree]
Me: wtf how did you wrap this
I’m in that magical stage of parenting where I don’t need to change diapers or carry baby gear but I also don’t have to deal with teenage problems yet and my kids still think I’m smart and funny…how do I stay here???
Ancient people: turned grapes into wine, agave into tequila, and sugar cane into rum.
Modern people: turn soy, rice, or almonds into milk.
Lmao I love the recipe blogger parents who are like “I’m just like you! I hardly
Have time on weeknights! Here is a little ditty I make when we are SUPER busy running between activities” and it starts out “first, spatchcock a whole chicken.”
Saying no thanks to a CW’s offer to hit me with their car so I could take the day off proves decisions shouldn’t be made before coffee
Why is tater the only food in tot form? We can do better. We deserve better. We demand better.
I feel as though most of my problems would not exist if I had just worked harder on that crane thing from Karate Kid
This morning I woke from a dream. I have no memory of it except that I was asking someone, “Is constipation a problem for fish?”
The first rule of hydration club is where is your restroom?
Rock Singer: I SAID, YOU READY TO HAVE A GOOD TIME? I CAN’T HEAR YOU!
Me: DO YOU UNDERSTAND THAT WE DON’T HAVE MICROPHONES ON THIS SIDE?!
Damn, this hole is wet
*I say right after stepping into a puddle
My 6-year-old is looking at pictures of me when I was 18 and she keeps saying “You still look the same!” Might write her siblings out of the will and leave everything to her idk
Every morning after I get up, the first thing I do is make my bed.
Tomorrow I’m returning this piece of shit to IKEA.
#HatDadJoke
I always bring luggage when visiting my mom because I know she’ll send me on a guilt trip
I’m stoned. Either the smoke alarm is beeping or the house is backing up.
Me: That’s pretty sus
12yo: Never say that again
Me: Why?
12yo: It sounded weird when you said it
Me:
12yo:
Me: Your rules are sus
TRUMP: Millions of Draculas are entering our country illegally from Transylvania. The security of our nation is a stake!
Me: Ok to empty the dishwasher I need to clear things away from the dish rack and before I do that I need to clear space in the drawer and before that…
~later~
My wife: Why are you on the roof painting the chimney?
Me: So I can empty the dishwasher.
Friends that check up on you >
the hypocrisy of humans judging a cat for hunting a bird like they’re not ordering chicken nuggets with zero remorse
Beer before liquor, never sicker. Toothpaste before orange juice, dead.
We went together like toothpaste and orange juice