Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

What I have learned from dating is that if he shows you affection, talks to you every day, and introduces you to his friends and family, he’s just not that into you

“Whatever you do in bed, Sealy supports it”. Clearly whoever came up with that ad doesn’t watch CSI.

Dear parents,

Here is your reminder to delete the 1000 photos your 3-year-old took while playing with your phone.

I either need to get serious about losing weight, or start shopping at places that sell costumes for circus bears.

Why does the alien civilization keep sending spaceships that don’t know how to land?

After dating me for a month and telling me he’s in danger and needs money, the tinder swindler would’ve been shocked when I said “that’s crazy, what you gonna do?”

[cat hospital]
Cat Nurse: Let’s get you prepped for surgery. *licks patient all over*

surgeon: says here he also has night terrors

patient: (under anesthesia) ahhh!!!

surgeons: ahhh!!!

If Elsa could bring snow to life why didn’t she make herself some pets? I’d have like 50 snowcats by now.

Me: *looking at an antique rocking chair* I like this. What do you think? I might get it.

Son: Annnnnd now we’re haunted. Again.

[last night]
*gets drunk*
*can’t remember if I fed the dog*
*ends up feeding her 5 times*

[tonight]
*comes home*
dog *hands me a beer*

*coroner takes picture of my body after I’m brutally murdered*
Me: delete it

My teen thought it’d be funny to unfriend me on Facebook. I laughed and laughed and changed the wi-fi password. Good times!

mugger: I said, your money or your life

me: *takes his hand* and I knew which I’d give him

our kids: awww

I’ll believe corporations are people when Texas executes one.

The worst part about being humble is that you can’t even brag about it.

Now I’m no fresh daisy, I’ve been around the block, but what is kissing

4: Mama, I’m not feeling so good.

Me: What’s wrong baby girl?

4: I haven’t had spaghetti for so long my stomach misses it. Listen, *puffs up belly* you can hear my tummy cry.

Welcome to Wednesday.
If you haven’t had a meltdown yet today, one will be assigned to you shortly.
Bonus points for tears, flinging feces, and swearing in Polish.

I have very conflicting feelings about getting murdered because on one hand I’d be dead but on the other hand I’d be making sure female podcasters had content and I love women supporting women

5yo: Dad, if you make me take a bath I will scream and yell and cry, and then you will have to give me a consequence. You don’t want me to have a consequence do you?

How scared do I need to be for this kid’s teenage years

I used to be able to throw a serious look in a selfie and come off like a sexy smolder and now I look like I’m patiently waiting to speak to your manager.

true crime documentaries are like “he was a good man except to his spouse, children, coworkers, and victims”

Once I spilled an ENTIRE cup of coffee in a cab and the driver started freaking out, but miraculously, it all landed in a cup holder, and I soaked it up with a sock. When we arrived, the cab driver got out to see zero spilled coffee in his cab and looked at me like a magician.

No one told me we would be forced to eat brussel sprouts at that haunted house.

Pregnancy is so weird. It’s, like, “Who’s that in my belly? It’s Brad. He’s going to drive a used Buick one day.”

“who hurt you” myself bro, I make horrible decisions

watching pre pandemic television during the pandemic

SpongeBob has such a good life. Make burgers, catch jellyfish, play with friend. I want that. I want that for me. And I would have no problem with disposing of him in order to get it