The first rule of bread making club is you only talk about it on a knead to dough basis.
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I wonder why they don’t like me using the label maker
[sees my pet ant crawl into the room where my wife and I are arguing] we can’t do this in front of her
Some people wear a big oversize coat and a woolly hat, and look trendy. I wear a big oversize coat and a woolly hat, and look homeless.
The chick next to me brought everything she owned on the plane. She’s currently pitching her tent & unpacking.
dogs are toddlers
cats are teenagers
2020 is like going to a wedding and finding a cash bar kind of year.
age 16: if i dont start saying yes to things im going to be miserable
age 26: if i dont start saying no to things im going to be miserable
[world without bees]
Hamlet: to or not to
Son told me “Make me a sandwich, woman” and now I have one child instead of two
I have decided to keep my uncomfortable home office chair
This encourages me to spend less time in it
All I’m saying is if you’ve ever seen me put patio furniture covers on, you’d NEVER ask me to put a condom on.
If you can’t beat em, don’t join em, just use a bigger hammer.
I would be morbidly obese if food for thought was an actual thing.
Men are from Mars, women are from a planet that probably smells nicer than Mars.
He said: “Tell me Baby…am I your first?”
She said: “What? Like…today?”
“Maybe she’s born with it, but most likely she botched it at home” should be my slogan when I color my own hair.
FRIEND: so how are you?
ME: I’m well, thanks!
FRIEND: what’s new?
ME: not much!
FRIEND: well, what have you been up to?
ME: why are you doing this to me
do I regret it, Carol? Hell, I don’t even remember gretting it the first time!
If someone tells you they don’t like some particular word, do not torment them with it. To do so is totally moist.
You’re Twitter famous. Cool, cool.
I won a dodgeball tournament in 3rd grade and I got a real trophy for that.
agent: may i please have your account number
me: i’ve given it out three times and been transferred three times
agent: sorry about that
me: but shouldn’t it come through to you when you get a transfer
agent: ideally, yes
me:
agent: may i please have your account number
I’ve got 99 problems…
<snap>
98 problems.
<snap>
97 problems.
<snap>
96 problems.
<snap>BRB… I need to buy more mousetraps.
me: can u say da da
baby: ba
me: dada
baby: baba
me: dada
baby: are u really this desperate for validation
me:
baby: ok dada
Tonight’s to-do list:
-honk
-shoo
-honk
-mimimimimi
“Regardless of what Newton said, gravity is just a theory that you humans choose to accept as fact. If you simply refuse to take it as a given, then the whole paradigm shifts. Anyway Brenda, when you’ve got a minute, the litter in my box could really use a change.”
No regrets in 2018
In case you wondered how much patience I have for questions today, I just told my 4-year-old the sky is blue because I said so.
Last night my husband and I went to a party. I noticed he was “sipping” some brown liquor and I sarcastically said, “Uh-oh!” and pointed to his drink and he rolled his eyes and said, “I am an adult.”
It is 7:52 pm THE NEXT DAY and that adult has not gotten out of bed yet.
me: [raises hand]
my date: again, that’s not necessary
this is the most chaotic energy iv ever seen
