The first rule of bread making club is you only talk about it on a knead to dough basis.
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Officer: Do you know how fast you were going?
Me: *checks Fitbit*
If you send me game requests on Facebook I’ll visit an adult bookstore and tag you as being with me.
I told the barista my name was “Britney Spears” just for giggles and he handed me my coffee with “annoying white girl” written on it instead
The other guy on this cliff screaming at the sky just threw his wedding ring over which makes me feel less bad about losing my kite.
In your 20’s: I’m going to install the best radio, loudest speakers, amplifier in my car, and rock out.
In your 50’s: Turn that music down, I can’t even hear myself think about what I want to eat.
If I got arrested I’d ask for one tweet instead of a phone call because none of my friends answer their goddamn phones.
Wife: We need to talk
Me, absolutely panicking: What
Wife: We need to start buying the big jars of peanut butter
Cop: Where were you at the time of the murder?
Me: I’d trapped myself in a Tupperware container
Cop: Damn, that’s an air tight alibi
Your Honor, my client would like you to stop being so mean, even though we both know she deserves it.
England’s gonna have a rude awakening when they go to war and all their knights are actors and musicians.
When my doctor diagnosed me with squid magnet syndrome I had a lot of questi… [a squid hits me in the face at 900mph killing me instantly]
Whoever invented the boomerang had trouble letting go.
ignore the news reports that say bees have learned how to use the internet. they are lies. bees sting us because they love us. bees are safe inside our warm homes. a bee did not write this
The lady beside me at the airport just pulled out a whole block of marble cheese and started gnawing on it. Frankly, my emotions are mixed
I dont know about you guys, but I am amazed Pringles is able to constantly grow the same shaped potato. Science.
My brother, the dentist is getting an award tomorrow. It’s a little plaque!😂😂😂
Took my dog to the vet this morning. There was a dog named “snot.” Wtf is wrong with people! 😡
Are these grass-fed oranges?
[first day as detective]
Me: looks like he was shot in the head
Partner: any sign of forced entry?
Me [pointing at bullet wound]: well yeah
I hate when fire trucks drive real slow with the siren on. There’s one behind me right now. So annoying.
No One:
My Family: Please check the menu of this restaurant we’re going to eat at in six months and let us know what you want.
My mom just told me she’s been watching that “Game of Thongs” show.
Gawd I hope she’s just saying it wrong.
“We’ll call you” – OH NO
“You call us” – OH NO
how dare you call me when dogs 101 is on
the gender neutral urge to point out a cow while on a road trip
[seeing a skyscraper with all the lights on]
oh man the dad of that building is gonna be mad
Social media’s ruined everything. If I saw a dead body on my walk home my first thought would be to take a pic and caption it “Mood”
It is crazy easy to buy a birthday cake.
Even if it is no one’s birthday.
They don’t even check.
God: *twisting an owl* I can’t get this damn jar open
All panties are edible if you’re dedicated enough.