@KimJongSean

The first rule of cliff hanger club is

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@ItsMrWoody2U

Me: bless me father for I have sinned.

Priest: how long since your last confession my son?

Me: about 45 minutes ago…

@camel_racer

*Goes to the store*
*Buys donughts, doughnut holes, and glue*

@wittwitbarista

I envy the women who can bite their bottom lip and look sexy. I do that and it’s a toss up between “does she need to go to the bathroom and is lost?” Or “is she getting that piece of corn out from her teeth?”

@NightTraumaDoc

Why do they lock gas station bathrooms? Are they afraid someone will clean them?

@Staggfilms

Life is short. Take risks. Run with scissors. Dance with scissors like nobody’s watching. Stop waiting for tomorrow to do cool shit with scissors.

@iamspacegirl

My lasso of truth is just an eel I point aggressively at the people I’m questioning. We have a 100% success rate.

@Freudianscript

People who try to test my patience don’t realize it’s an exam I don’t plan on passing.

@shutupmikeginn

Invited my girlfriend to a charity bbq where they’re roasting a whole pig and when she asked ‘what’s the charity’ I said it was for the pig’s family.