[at a restaurant]
me: do you have a box I can put this in
waiter: the… the child?
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[In Court]
Does the Defense have any last words?
*defense rises* DE-FENSE
*Judge holds up picket fence*
DE-FENSE
*Jury starts The Wave*
I love to watch the look of panic on my husband’s face when I pull a pair of panties out of my drawer and say, “um, these aren’t mine.”
The opposite of Lorelai is Loretellsthetruth,
Elon Musk made $180M when PayPal was acquired in 2002.
He put $100M in SpaceX, $70M in Tesla, and $10M in Solar City. He borrowed money for rent.
Now, he’s worth $190 billion.
The greatest entrepreneurs aren’t driven by money; it’s a byproduct of success.
‘I am your God, and now it is night!’ I say as I turn the fish tank light off.
My boss called me lazy and said I had poor communication skills… I almost responded
Me: Do you ever get the feeling that people are laughing at you behind your back?
My husband: Not really
Me: You’re not very perceptive
You don’t scare me, you’re not my ID photo.
Being 5’2”, when I’m going up for a high five, most people just lean in for a handshake.
Hand 2 toddlers a poisoned cookie and tell them not to eat it, then leave for a day. Some would call that stupid. The Bible calls it Genesis
[hat shop]
OWNER: Sir stop or I’ll call the police
UNICORN: [surrounded by damaged hats] No one will believe you
I was dressed and ready to go for a run an hour and a bag of Doritos ago.
Officer – Do you know how fast you were going?
*Looks up from phone*
No idea
We parents need to stop threatening our kids with a lump of coal. It’s cruel and outdated.
Behave or Santa will break your iPad, kids.
If you’re smuggling booze into a concert, put the bottle under a handful of tampons and go to the young male bag checker. they get embarrassed and immediately close your bag. works every time — even more so if you’re a dude
I love when a sandwich is cut in half. You finish the first half and you’re sad because you’re out of sandwich. Then you look down and there is more.
Named my band Scheduled for Demolition so whenever it appears on a marquee, confused people write angry letters to the city council.
Luigi: You got your own land, world & galaxy. Can I have Mario Mansion?
Mario: ok fine [under breath] gonna put a bunch of ghosts in it tho
FIRED? But I just started! How could I have known we don’t do casual Fridays here? Fine. Direct your own goddamn funeral. *flip-flops away*
I don’t know about you, but I could really go for a punch in your face right now.
Learn to negotiate like my 5-year old. Instead of asking, “Can we please get a kitty?” he asked, “Are we getting a kitty today or tomorrow?”
Me: hey squirrel, dnt steal d pigeon’s food, the eggs are about to hatch
S: u stole a cake frm ur roomate
Me:
Me: here, take the eggs too
Me: What fresh hell is this?
Satan: *turns to camera, winks* Thanks, Febreze!
Paris Hilton’s chihuahua Tinkerbell died yesterday. Purses are being held at half-mast.
Anyone can be a sword swallower at least one time
My husband took the kids to brunch so I’m gonna get wild and drink my coffee while it’s still hot.
If you’re a bicyclist, probably the best thing that can happen is you put your arm out to signal a turn and a falcon perches on your wrist.
Hippos at the Cincinnati Zoo getting some pumpkin snacks.
Apparently this Walmart cashier only brushes her favorite teeth.
men only want one thing: a large italian wife that chases them around with a big wooden spoon when they sneak a meatball before dinner