You can tell a lot about a person by autopsy.
The first rule of cliff hanger club is
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Me: bless me father for I have sinned.
Priest: how long since your last confession my son?
Me: about 45 minutes ago…
*Goes to the store*
*Buys donughts, doughnut holes, and glue*
ppl: are u sick?
me: no, im just ugly
I envy the women who can bite their bottom lip and look sexy. I do that and it’s a toss up between “does she need to go to the bathroom and is lost?” Or “is she getting that piece of corn out from her teeth?”
Why do they lock gas station bathrooms? Are they afraid someone will clean them?
Life is short. Take risks. Run with scissors. Dance with scissors like nobody’s watching. Stop waiting for tomorrow to do cool shit with scissors.
My lasso of truth is just an eel I point aggressively at the people I’m questioning. We have a 100% success rate.
People who try to test my patience don’t realize it’s an exam I don’t plan on passing.
Invited my girlfriend to a charity bbq where they’re roasting a whole pig and when she asked ‘what’s the charity’ I said it was for the pig’s family.