The first rule of denial club is I can stop anytime I want.
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I need a personal trainer to be in charge of how I exercise because I’m in charge of how I eat and look how that turned out.
I’m not fat. I’m famine proof.
When one door closes, a child soon appears, knocking, asking for a snack.
All my scars & bruises tell a story.
The story of a guy who falls down A LOT when he’s drunk.
I accidentally spilled water on the rice so I immediately put it in a jar of smartphones.
My weight? That’s on a need to know basis and I don’t need to know!
*tries to impress date by eating spaghetti with a straw*
Cool Ranch Doritos are just like regular ranch Doritos except every chip wears a little pair of aviators.
Friend without kids: I’m so tired.
Me, drinking coffee from a bowl: Yeah OK
Replacing all the mirrors at work with pictures of zombies. No one will notice.
[Morgan Freeman narrating my life]
*extended period of silence*
“What the hell am I supposed to do with this…”
a cool magic trick woud be if a magiciam puts their hand in a hat & sombody wearin a hat in the audience sudenly feels a hand on their head
It’s okay bowel syndrome, I am irritable too.
Me, twenty minutes after the edible kicks in:
I don’t think Donkey Kong was even a donkey
Wife: can you make the bed
Me, a failed carpenter: ok that’s low, Sharon
Elton John ”Hold me closer, tiny dancer”
CDC ”Stop right there!!”
OH MY GOD I FORGOT TO UNPLUG THE TOASTER
[flash to dog in sunglasses waiting for his fifth batch of waffles to pop up]
Aoccdrnig to Ylae rseaerch, it deosn’t mtater waht oredr the ltteers in a wrod are in, the olny iprmoatnt tihng is how mcuh mnoey you hvae
A tattoo artist wants to practice doing chrome tattoos so I’m letting her give me a chrome tattoo for free tomorrow. I’m sure it will be fine
I like the new game of thrones show but I don’t think the laugh track is necessary
Charlie: I can’t believe you’re giving me the whole chocolate factory
Wonka: Yup, all of it. Starting with these four law suits
my bf dealing with his cats is so funny… they just started fighting and i heard him go “stop it! Did you really think that would solve the conflict?!” Like i bet they were so embarrassed
GOOGLE USER: What are symptoms of skin cancer
GOOGLE: 20% off best skin cancer now
I wrote a screenplay
-No you didn’t
About our Savior
-Just stop
Opening Judea’s best ice cream shop
-Shut up
It’s Jesus Christ, Scooper Star
*phone rings
15: I hope it’s him!
*phone rings
25: hope it’s about the job
*phone rings
35: (handing phone to stranger) i died. tell them
They should let you spend one night in a house before you buy/rent it, just to make sure it’s haunted.
My dog is LIVID with me because I’ve just let another dog walk by our house and done nothing about it
Me: [going in for a hug]
Loudspeaker: SECURITY TO THE OCTOPUS TANK
Nothing works harder than my sports bra when I’m chasing the ice cream truck.