The first rule of denial club is I can stop anytime I want.
You Might Also Like
FRIEND: [over the phone] Do you think the quarantine has changed you?
ME: [knitting a dress for the raccoons in my backyard] No
On the internet it’s super easy to take credit for stuff you had nothing to do with. That’s why I invented it.
(drops a Cheetoh on the ground)
ants: seize him
Astrophysicists still struggling to explain the Big Bang Theory: “It’s a corny show! We just don’t get it!” said one astrophysicist.
Century: 100 years.
Decade: 10 years
Lustrum: 5 years.
Together forever and ever and ever: 2 weeks.
*fooling around with husband*
Husband: Is that a piece of cheese in your bra?
Me: If you wanted any, you should have brought your own snacks!
INTERVIEWER: Now this is an impressive résumé
ME: Thank you, I found it outside
at my physical this week the male nurse was going through my history & asking if I still take xy&z meds and he goes “do you still take IUD?” I stared at him for a sec and said “it’s still…in me…yes.” he goes “oh it’s an implant, ok.” sir you are a NURSE 😭
I am not a people person. I am a person person. One (1) of you mfers at a time and even that is pushing it.
“What if you fell down a mountainside but on purpose?” -the invention of skiing
Netflix should’ve just maybe mailed us all this fight on DVD
Bartenders be like ” heres that receipt, i’ll go ahead and put it on the wettest part of the bar”
When smothering somebody, make sure not to use a memory foam pillow because it could testify against you in court.
5yo came in, threw his backpack down and said “holy melancholy.”
Me: rough day, buddy?
5: I need a glass of milk. Now.
“I’M NOT LIKE OTHER GIRLS!!!”
(Seductively takes baby dragon out of Gucci purse & lights cigarette.)
I thought the CVS guy was going to ask me to join the rewards program but he said “enjoy your night” so I said “not today, thanks” and left.
Is it me or do the unread books in the bookstore just seem shinier than the unread books at home?
my dad: [rising up from behind couch]
the new ppl that live in that house now: wtf
I spend too much of my time asking our dog, “have you seen the kids?!”
sorry, standing outside your house with a sign that says “prom?” was probably a confusing way to ask u what prom means
[donating blood]
Me [feeling lightheaded]: I’m gonna need that back
Worst thing about having sex with a Canadian girl is having to sit through BOTH of our national anthems before we start.
Isn’t anyone here that can fake a football convo like me:
“He’s showing signs of improving”
“He’s a beast”
“He just has to keep those interceptions low”
“It’s been a wild season”
“Yeah they’re so stacked”
“Yeah that offensive line”
Lol I don’t know shit about football.
“We’re taking it to another level.”
-escalators
Me *Screams at mountain*: I LOVE YOU!
Mountain *echoes back*: I have a boyfriend…. oyfriend…end…nd
Alexa, find me a cat who’s hell bent on world domination just as soon as the weather picks up a bit.
i slept so well last night
guy about to invent wind chimes: lemme fix that
[getting kidnapped] grab my heating pad too pls
pro: having a lovely time visiting canada
con: nobody would believe me if i got a boyfriend here
Amazon: Your order has been ship—
Me: *Track Package*