The first rule of denial club is I can stop anytime I want.
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Kids got me a t-shirt 2 sizes too small and made me a big breakfast this morning. So yes I now know what it’s like to take off a sports bra
KID IN PARK [crying] I think my mum might of left me here
ME: Oh no!
WIFE: Talk to him
ME: Hey, listen kid *kneels down* it’s might HAVE
I like having younger friends. They’re fun, energetic, adventurous, and then they recommend going out after 8 PM and I’m like, this friendship has run its course.
BECAUSE YOU SHARED THAT VIDEO EVERY SINGLE PERSON HAS ABANDONED THEIR CAR AND RUN INTO THE FLAMES TO SAVE A RABBIT. THE RABBIT POPULATION IS NOW SPREADING FASTER THAN THE FIRE. THEY ARE 0% CONTAINED. I CAN HEAR THEIR LITTLE FEET COMING THIS WAY. OH NO MY WINDOWS ARE OPE
My wife learned the closer you travel to the speed of light, the longer you live. Now she drives like she wants to live forever.
“My dog’s learning to speak a foreign language.”
“Español?”
“No, he’s a labrador.”
5yo: Curious George is not a monkey
Me: yes he is
5yo: no he isn’t, he doesn’t have a tail, he’s an ape
Me: he definitely has a— *googling pics of Curious George* omg
[renovating house]
ME: How much to add a panic room?
CONTRACTOR: About $50,000.
ME: How about a mild anxiety room?
The fastest mammal on earth is me when I’m retweeting your typo tweet.
I love it when Google maps takes me on a little adventure. Dirt road along the highway? Don’t mind if I do.
Just send him 60 texts explaining how you understand he needs his alone time.
My support group can outdrink your support group.
Do you think you’d make a good sniper?
[ ] Yes •
[ ] No •
•
•
•
“I want to swim with an overweight, rich white guy before I die.”
– Dolphin bucket list.
me: you guys sell gift cards?
funeral parlor director: what?
Million dollar idea: let’s start a Twitter swear jar
If you’re feeling this, that’s normal. Take it easy ❤️
“Better out than in,” my dad always used to say.
Lovely man.
Terrible heart surgeon.
Scenes around 10 Downing Street tonight 😅 Congratulations England, richly deserved 👏🏽🏆 #PAKvENG #T20WorldCupFinal
I sent a coworker a 15 page document as 15 one page PDF files rather than one 15 page PDF file.
Passive-aggressive level achieved: Expert
If you offer me celery I’ll use it as it was originally intended, to beat you with.
[a parallel universe where cows are the dominant species]
COW 1: Shall we drink stuff that comes out of humans?
COW 2: No
Normally I’m a curmudgeon who doesn’t think young people have anything worthwhile to say, but then today a 20 year old changed my mind when she told me I looked 10 years younger than I am.
Oil the single ladies
Oil the single ladies
Oil the single ladies
Oil the single ladies
If you liked it then you should have put a rig on it
HER: I’ve never known someone to google things during sex
ME: we learned a lot though
HER: you screamed “ostriches are faster than horses”
one mistake some cult leaders make is predicting armageddon will happen on a specific day. embarrassing to explain afterwards. if i ever lead a group of devoted followers i’d keep shit like that pretty vague
They just got engaged at a hibachi restaurant — and the chef wrote their initials in rice!
When I die I want people to say “Hmm, I didn’t know you could die like that.”
Someone was bragging on Facebook last night about managing to get into a store *after* official closing time to finish some Christmas shopping, and called it a “Christmas miracle,” and idk what the exact criteria is for getting visited by three ghosts on Christmas Eve but