The first rule of denial club is I can stop anytime I want.
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surgeon: says here he also has night terrors
patient: (under anesthesia) ahhh!!!
surgeons: ahhh!!!
What if T-Rexes really had long boneless tentacle arms and we didn’t know because we can only find bones?
Both my wife and I work from home. She treats me as a colleague despite us doing completely different roles in very different industries. She keeps bouncing ideas off me to which I nod along helpfully. No idea what she’s talking about.
Having a tattoo in a hidden place is really just entertainment for the coroner.
I hate how early it gets dark now.
Alaska: LOL
What’s the matter, babe?
You haven’t touched any of your Shrekfast.
A man was hospitalized with 6 plastic horses up his bum. Doctors described his condition as “stable”. #manicmonday
Yes I am that gift that keeps on giving most people the finger.
I keep calling one of my soccer players by the wrong name but in my defense I’ve only been coaching the team for a month and I’m her mother.
If we sneezed Windex instead of spit I bet my neighbors would be cool with me standing at their window.
My resume is just a piece of paper that says “Please don’t Google me.”
Women aren’t complicated. Just give us attention and leave us alone.
Evolution sometimes moves forward due to tiny differences making one species less competitive
For instance T-rex died out bc, lacking selfie sticks, their instagram feeds were less effective
I forgot the word “rake” so I called it a yard comb.
My dad only says I love you on special occasions like birthdays, holidays, and competency hearings.
As the day goes on, coworkers start appearing more flammable.
How do I feel about your goatee? I shave every part of my legs except the knees, how do you feel about that?
My sleeping pills say don’t mix with alcohol, but drop it in the glass and it dissolves just fine. Doctors think they know everything.
Welcome to your 40s you now spend your Saturday evenings looking for new solitaire games to download
Today, I shall mostly be singing “Baby Shark” on loop to the wife to see how long it takes for her to stab me*.
*It’s 17 seconds
Whenever a boomer asks if I know who a musician is, I just confidently say they were in Fleetwood Mac, cause it’s probably true
Good news. My neighbor found that last box of fireworks.
Classified ad:
Hunter seeks gatherer for nasty, brutish and short relationship. No weirdos.
To the person that lost their iPhone 13 Pro Max at Costco… Please stop calling my new phone. Thanks
the battle rages on
It’s always humbling when the dinner I had delivered comes with 2 sets of cutlery
My teen’s stories have a beginning, middle, and I need $20.
My family can’t decide what kind of Lab to get (Chocolate, Yellow, Black, etc.) so we drew straws.
I won, so we’re getting a Meth.
A chihuahua is just a barking cat.