the first guy to ride a horse was all like GIDDYUP HORSEY and the horse was all like DAMMIT WHO TOLD HIM THAT MAKES US GO
You Might Also Like
Just gonna drink light beers today because I don鈥檛 wanna get drunk but I do enjoy peeing 37 times.
TEACHER: can anyone tell me what ostracized means?
ME: *hand up*
TEACHER: again, it’s not a workout video for ostriches.
ME: *hand down*
Bought some of that edible cookie dough.
Gotta say it鈥檚 just not as good without the hint of a salmonella threat.
Diet tip:
Your pants will not get too tight if you do not wear any.
2017: It can鈥檛 get worse than this
DAY ONE, 2018: A YouTube star filmed a dead body for entertainment
Chivalry is just the study of green onions right?
Have you ever stopped & thought about how there are hundreds of millions of really nice suits just buried underground?
Me: “Stay back! I’m an expert when it comes to karate!”
*mugger approaches*
Me: “Karate is a martial art developed on the Ryukyu Islands.”
Bird: Good morning! How are you?
Me: Oh my God! You can talk!
Bird *tapping his Bluetooth ear piece*: I missed what you said, some jackass is shouting at me.
*relates to your tweet in the wrong way*
ME: [deep in thought] it’s just so scary, u know?
HER: what is, life?
ME: [imagining an octopus holding 8 samurai swords] yes. Life.
Sat behind two cars at a four-way stop for 5 minutes before I realized I had accidentally joined a goddamn school pick up line.
Cheerleaders:
“U. G. L. Y. YOU AIN’T GOT NO ALIBI, YOU’RE…”{Guidance counselor glares at them}
Cheerleaders:
“… beautiful on the inside…”
*Clap clap*
[arrives at the gates of hell]
Satan – “WELCOME MORTAL. DOWN HERE… WE DON’T HAVE LASAGNA”
Me – “um…ok?”
[Satan checks list]
“Is your name Garfield?”
“No”
“Huh. List says Garfield”
ariana grande looks like she was designed in a lab by japanese perverts
“Baby got Baaaa” -Sheep mix a lot
Biden: I painted “Michelle Obama 2020” on your bedroom ceiling
Obama: 馃槼
Biden: Glow in the dark paint
To the woman who just honked at me to leave this parking spot, I suddenly have dozens of urgent emails to respond to.
Surprise your boyfriend with new boyfriend this valentine
Hey guys, if you cross the seven seas by yourself you鈥檝e committed the seven deadly swims thanks for your time
If any Disney execs are reading this, call me. I’ve got an idea for another Star Wars spin off. It’s called Paul Darth, Maul Cop.
I hate “save the date” engagement cards. After divorce you should have to send out “hey forget about that one date 6 months ago” cards
The struggle is real! 馃ぃ #Cats #CatsofTwittter
Chickens are proof that God loves us by creating a tasty bird that can barely fly.
Me, bright eyed, eager to follow the rules:
should I remove my necklace?TSA agent: … what… is it.
Me, smiling hard, too awake, excited to share:
It鈥檚 a tiny harmonica!TSA agent:
*closes eyes for a long time, her weariness meant for an entire generation.* JUST GO.
boss: we’re starting to think you don’t really value this job anymore
me: [wearing bathrobe] not sure what u mean
There’s never enough good news
You gotta kiss a lotta frogs to get a lotta desperate late-night texts from frogs.
If my dad asks, there’s definitely NOT a karate tournament in our house tomorrow at 3.07pm *wink*