@MattElGato

The first rule of fight club is don’t hit hard I’m very sensitive

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@clichedout

A 23-yr-old woman in India fought off an adult tiger with a stick

My cat stole my tuna sandwich right out of my hand

@ol_boo

Having a toddler is a great way to find out how much milk your tennis shoe will hold

@GingerGander

If Twitter was any more fun we’d have to smuggle it in from Mexico.

@girlnarly

lost a tooth? replace it with a chiclet. got a bum ticker? put a clock inside your ribs. got raccoon eyes? give them back, silly. those don’t belong to you

@JB4Realz

[Marriage Counseling]
Wife: He’s always messing up even the simplest phrases.
Me: I THOUGHT we were gonna keep that on the download…

@VenusRockHobbit

If I ever noticed you waving frantically from inside a burning building I would totally wave back because I’m polite.

@thepunningman

[hospital]
“I’m afraid it’s bad news. Your husband will never walk again”
“Oh God, he’s paralysed?”
“No, someone’s bought him rollerblades”

@Jake_Vig

Overheard:

“I think that creepy guy is listening to our conversation.”

@WickedDarkEyes

I hate it when I mean to buy seedless grapes but instead I accidentally get…well you know…
Oreos.