A 23-yr-old woman in India fought off an adult tiger with a stick
My cat stole my tuna sandwich right out of my hand
The first rule of fight club is don’t hit hard I’m very sensitive
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Having a toddler is a great way to find out how much milk your tennis shoe will hold
If Twitter was any more fun we’d have to smuggle it in from Mexico.
lost a tooth? replace it with a chiclet. got a bum ticker? put a clock inside your ribs. got raccoon eyes? give them back, silly. those don’t belong to you
Wife: He’s always messing up even the simplest phrases.
Me: I THOUGHT we were gonna keep that on the download…
If I ever noticed you waving frantically from inside a burning building I would totally wave back because I’m polite.
“I’m afraid it’s bad news. Your husband will never walk again”
“Oh God, he’s paralysed?”
“No, someone’s bought him rollerblades”
“I think that creepy guy is listening to our conversation.”
* Grows beard to woo women *
* Receives recruitment email from ISIS *
I hate it when I mean to buy seedless grapes but instead I accidentally get…well you know…