A young Lil’ Wayne sits alone typing lyrics into Word 97 when a cartoon paperclip suddenly appears on-screen.
[Did you mean “digger”?]
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The options really are this bad
her: can you put egg plant on the shopping list
me: *writes* ‘chicken’
This invitation says, “Regrets only,” so I’m sending them a note that says, “My hair throughout most of the ‘90s.”
I saw a statue of Cinderella today. I didn’t like it, but I found the plinth charming.
I was shit at school. I turned up to the wrong lessons and sat the wrong exams. The rest as they say is geography.
Witness: I saw the defendant stabbing the victim.
Lawyer: Objection! Witness is ugly!
Judge: Sustained. Jury will disregard the statement.
WIFE: you can’t just deep-fry everything
ME: what do you mean?
WIFE: I mean put down the cat
oh u like me? name 5 meds i take
Cop: where were you between 5 and 6?
Robber: kindergarten probably
*quietly adjusts thermostat*
my husband from a hotel room 2800 miles away: whatcha doing?
FYI: I guess the goal of bobbing for apples is not who can drink all the water.
[comedy club]
GIRAFFE: What’s the deal with scarves?
TORTOISE: [in the audience] lmao this guy gets it
If the majority of twitter’s trending topics are any indication of the state of humanity thus far, we clearly need an asteroid intervention.
“Alone, here in the post-apocalypse, I can finally enjoy true silence,” I think, just before an aftershock sets off hundreds of car alarms…
The five years of life you gain by eating healthy are spent preparing healthy food.
this spot reserved for good ol boys that know how to smoke a brisket
Not to brag, but my tweets are enjoyed by well over 3 people worldwide.
Does anyone know any herbal remedies for worthlessness?
Me: “I peed three times last night”
Her: “Don’t you hate getting up and going to the bathroom?”
Me: “Getting up?”
My laptop: *cannot find printer*
Me: *gesturing* look it’s right there
Cop: Know why I pulled you over?
Me: Because I’m black??
Cop: Sir, you’re white, driving 90 in a 30.
Me: Racist.
Cop: Get out.
This guy on GMA is thanking God b/c he survived 2 plane crashes. I’m pretty sure “God” is trying to kill him.
can you start monday at 8?
“yes, thank you for the opportunity”
[calls new boss at his home on sunday night]
hello?
“am or pm?”
Some things are better left unsaid
Tequila – No they’re not
Her: so yesterday, I was sweeping—
Me: must be the season of the witch LMAO
Her: ugh that is IT *turns me into a newt*
I haven’t had my coffee yet, so only approach me if you can’t find something high enough to jump off of.
Maybe the reason you’re not having *sexual intercourse* is because you call it sexual intercourse.
Husband and I were blissfully happy for 25 years.
Then we met.
[robbing a bank]
Partner: let’s go we’re running out of time
Me: *furiously shoving lollipops in a duffel bag* almost done!
Marriage has its pros and cons: on one hand, you get to wear a cool ring, but on the other hand, you don’t.