If you can pronounce Worcestershire I’ll assume you can do all sorts of fun things with your tongue.
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Donate one kidney and you’re a hero. Donate a couple more and suddenly you’re a monster
GUY: my new boss is gay
ME: my new bed sheets are warm
GUY: [clearly frustrated] what does that have to do with anything?
ME: exactly
Customer: oh hey, I almost ran you over in the parking lot lmao
Me: what stopped you
If you want to flirt with babes, just use cereal slogans like “You look magically delicious” or “I wanna put 2 scoops of raisins in dat ass”
When my wife tells me to wear sunscreen and I refuse to listen, it shows that I am my own man who is badly sunburned.
observational humor is about to get weird. like hey guys you know how when you go into my kitchen specifically
Brain: Walk up to her and offer her a drink.
Me: I WANT TO DRINK YOU LIKE A SIPPY CUP.
Brain: Can you actually hear me?
You wanna take this outside bro? You sure bro? It’s awfully chilly bro. Hold on bro, let me grab my scarf.
I never believed dad-senses were a real thing until I had kids but now I can smell weather and hear people changing the thermostat.
This week’s mood.
GOD: [reviewing solar system] hmm… i’ll give it 5 stars
EARTH: [imediately starts screamig due to masive gravitational pull of 4 new stars]
I started studying Tai Chi, so I wouldn’t recommend getting in a slow-motion fight with me…
Oh, more embarrassing things I have done as a lawyer:
While working from home, I joined zoom court with my microphone on, not realized it, and reacted to a knock at the door by yelling “I swear to god I am in court right now!” And the judge said, “yes, you are.”
I need a Magic 8 ball so i can find out if I’m drinking today or if I’m re-shaking it until i am
There are 3 kinds of players on my child’s soccer team:
Those who play to win, those who come to socialize, and those who put war paint on their face with dandelions.
Did I break my fitbit record? yes
Did my kid take over wearing it halfway through the day? also yes
Homophobic parents are right to be worried about their children turning gay after lessons about LGBT awareness. I lived as a Tudor wench for 2 years following a history class.
me: so did it hurt?
her: yes, a lot
me: when i splashed that salsa in your eye?
her: I SAID YES
Co-worker: *tells story*
Me: I’m so sorry to hear that.
CW: What? It’s not a bad story.
Me: No, I’m just really sorry I had to hear it.
A fun game you can play with someone who claims they’re going on a detox diet/cleanse is to ask them to name literally one toxin they’re getting rid of, and why the liver somehow missed it
My 4 year old walks around the house with a walkie talkie clipped on his pants like he’s here installing high speed internet.
Eggs benadryl my favourite
I just shaved so now my jeans finally fit again
Can’t, I’m in big trouble with the wife. I invited a couple to a party that she’s planning without telling her.
All those Tarot cards and not one person at Burning Man saw this coming.
Gonna celebrate this weekend by flinging hundreds of frisbees onto my neighbors roofs
If you see me longingly looking at you at the pub, i’m just wondering if you’re going to eat all those nachos?
Roommate gets sinus infection: treats it with chai tea and three different medications.
I get the same thing: GIVE ME ALL THE WASABI. CLEAR OUT MY SINUSES WITH CLEANSING FIRE. MAKE THEM AN INHOSPITABLE DESERT TO MAN, BEAST, AND VIRUS ALIKE.
Judge: Ms Spears, how do you plea?
“I’m not. that. innocent.”
*frustrated defense counsel tosses like 9000 papers in the air*
GOD: ask me anything
ME: why aren’t there middlecase letters?
GOD: *reaching for a button labeled “flood the earth again”*