Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Beer before liquor, never sicker. Toothpaste before orange juice, dead.

new tattoo]

them: cool! what is it?
me: it’s an abstract depiction of beauty; the juxtaposition of the lyrical and the grotesque

[after 50 people had asked]

them: what is it?
me: it’s a squirrel

I used to care what my neighbours think but then I met them

Brain: Follow your heart
Heart: Go with your gut
Gut: Pick the grilled cheese

I draw tombstones in sand at the beach beside couples who draw hearts and shit.

We don’t need people like that in this world.

driverless cars????
I don’t trust autocorrect to pick the correct word let alone let a car just drive me …. by itself

In my day, Frozen 2 would’ve been released directly to VHS with a new Olaf who sounds weird, and we would’ve been GRATEFUL.

If not now, then when? If not you, then who?

— the pile laundry on my loveseat begging me to fold it

Wife: Have you seen my curling iron?

Me: …umm, are you talking about the hotdog bun warmer?

Wife: …

Me: No, I have not seen it.

Mugger: Give me all your money!

Me: Ok

Mugger: *suddenly poorer*

Plants are like “I’ll have a light lunch.”

Me: What does that cloud look like to you?

3-year-old: A cloud.

Me: No, what do you imagine it could be?

3-year-old: Rain.

ME: *seductively removes her G-string*
HER: Could you please just hurry up and finish restringing my guitar?

boomer parents will be text “call me” with the same urgency of a family member in the hospital or a question about what that one dessert was called that they had with you at a restaurant at the shore 3 years ago

My teen daughter: “Mom, check out the new shirt I bought! It was only $3.00!!”

Me: “It’s because the bottom half is missing.”

Son: My Jurassic Park game stopped working

Me: So, E reptile dysfunction?

Son:

Me:

Son: Where’s mom?

I made a mix tape for a girl in the 90’s & she responded by giving me a blank cassette titled “What I Like About You”.

You can’t make me happy, mate. You’re not a family sized packet of salty sweet popcorn.

him: you any good at throwing axes

me: just call me lizzie borden

This headline stunned me-
“Mars to reduce carbon emissions”

Until I realized it was the candy maker …
and not the planet.

Me: finally drifting off to sleep

The alarm: you’re not gonna believe this

My husband pissed me off so I poured a quart of oil under the hood of his truck. That should keep him busy.

My daughter found and ate my hidden chocolate and her reason was she thought they were for everyone.

That

Newsflash KIDS: The woman who paid for the fries gets to “steal” as many as she wants.

FedEx would be a cool name for a restaurant for divorced couples

[marriage counseling]

She thinks I’m foolish with money

“He used our life savings to buy a tiger”

YOU SAID YOU WANTED A CAT, KAREN

*first date*
Guy: I like when a girl has curves

Me, taking off my Spanx: behold

one of my students brought back his report card today signed “MOMMY” 😭

Hear me out!
A Terms & Conditions, written entirely in emojis.