The first rule of fight club is to ask her, “Is that what you’re wearing?”
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Things to know before you date me:
1. I party
2. The doctor forgot to cut my umbilical cord so my mom has to come
[first episode of tv show]
Guy: Hi
Guy’s friend of 25 years: You’ve been my friend for 25 years
Accidentally just told a girl that “she has a nice head” because I appearently have the flirting skills of a serial killer
Save time sledding with kids by just throwing away one mitten before you even leave the house
*Food arrives*
*Waits 3 days*
*Slowly takes bite of food*
*Waitress appears from under the table in camouflage*
HOW IS EVERYTHING??
American: We’re really not that gun-obsessed.
Brit: Where did you get that t-shirt.
American:
Brit:
American: FROM A CANNON BUT THAT’S NOT THE POINT
My cat: *standing on my chest to block my computer screen, pressing his nose to mine & staring deeply into my eyes*
Me: Well. Hi.
My cat: You’re very clingy.
At least I can say I tried. I didn’t try, but I can say I did.
you have 1 in a 50 million chance of being attacked by a shark which is comforting in the ocean but concerning in an elevator
*does the robot*
*crowd goes wild*
*gets arrested at Sharper Image for having sex with one of their products*
Gonna trade in my wife’s menstrual cycle for a really cool mountain bike.
It takes an entire village’s coffee to raise a child
me: my car makes a funny noise
mechanic: that’s the horn
Netflix and Will…
…you stop trying to touch me?
(Sigh) I thought “The Scarlet Letter” was a book about red stationery….
Getting high with witches sounds super cool until they start looking at you and whispering about sacrifices.
7yo: You can’t say that, you’ll go to hell and turn into a devil!
4yo: And I will still be cooler than you!
Me: Can you hear me?
4: No.
Me: I need for you to pick up your legos, please.
4: But I can’t hear you.
Me: You can, you’re answering me.
4: (crying) No, I can’t!
Gaslighting is starting at a young age over here.
ME: I’m going to start a blog.
FRIEND: Ugh. Blogs are so narcissistic. I just talked about that on my podcast.
I’m at the age where I consider any picture of me taken in the last ten years “current”
watergate? u mean a dam??
Just FYI if a DJ or children’s entertainer tells you to “make some noise”, never make the most amount of noise you can the first time, because chances are they’ll tell you that they can’t hear you and you’ll have to make even more noise
I like my women like I like my glasses: thick, transparent, and uneven
If you take your antidepressant prescription to the pharmacy in your wedding gown while sobbing incoherently, they will fill it instantly.
My boyfriend’s bike was stolen out of our backyard today. It was meticulously locked up around our fence, so you might ask me “Kaitlin, if it was so meticulously locked up on the fence they how did they steal it?”
That is because they also stole the fence.
“Sorry to bother you at home,” I say, climbing out of your bathtub
Death sent a message asking us to just cool it for a bit
There is no App,
To Replace your Lap!Read to your child.
#Mothersday #booklovers
Them: lastly what’s up with this gap in your résumé?
Me: ah that was the year we got fitted sheets and I…
Them: …yup, say no more.
my dad: in the end. i hope people don’t even notice i was here
me: i hate camping too