@NottaBigDeal

The first rule of fight club is to ask her, “Is that what you’re wearing?”

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@_little_old_me

According to my email junk folder, I am a very successful Bitcoin trader.

@sug_knight

Me:

Pale people: I’m so white that I’m translucent, no one is as pale as me, last week my uncle thought I was the ghost of a Victorian-era cellar boy

@Book_Krazy

OUR KID WAS SOAKING WET WHEN YOU BROUGHT HIM HOME FROM SCHOOL!

Me: [water pouring from backseat] Listen, this car pool thing was your idea

@sir_shithead_I

Since I had to google “exercise” to make sure I spelled it right, I think it’s safe to say I have no idea what to do at the gym.

@Home_Halfway

I spent 2 hours at a gym looking angry with my arms crossed. The manager thought I worked there and gave me a raise

@Swishergirl24

If you ever hear me tell another mom to enjoy her young children because “it goes so fast” remind me to punch myself in the face

@weinerdog4life

I’ve had like 6 red bulls, so of course I’m vacuuming the front yard.

@fro_vo

i had to discipline my pet rock

so yes i have hit rock bottom

@j0eg0d

If you want to drink and drive you better bring enough for the whole highway.