According to my email junk folder, I am a very successful Bitcoin trader.
The first rule of fight club is to ask her, “Is that what you’re wearing?”
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Pale people: I’m so white that I’m translucent, no one is as pale as me, last week my uncle thought I was the ghost of a Victorian-era cellar boy
OUR KID WAS SOAKING WET WHEN YOU BROUGHT HIM HOME FROM SCHOOL!
Me: [water pouring from backseat] Listen, this car pool thing was your idea
I can’t help being suspicious when somebody asks to borrow my effigy.
Since I had to google “exercise” to make sure I spelled it right, I think it’s safe to say I have no idea what to do at the gym.
I spent 2 hours at a gym looking angry with my arms crossed. The manager thought I worked there and gave me a raise
If you ever hear me tell another mom to enjoy her young children because “it goes so fast” remind me to punch myself in the face
I’ve had like 6 red bulls, so of course I’m vacuuming the front yard.
i had to discipline my pet rock
so yes i have hit rock bottom
If you want to drink and drive you better bring enough for the whole highway.