The first rule of Fight Club is to have a sibling.
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Just killed a cricket at work, and, long story short, I’m now being asked to audition for Riverdance.
Imagine being a fly on the wall in the closed court where Rupert Murdoch is suing his own children. You’d be the most ethical creature in the room.
Social norms ?
We grew up thinking it’s perfectly normal that Tom and Jerry were always naked and only wore swimsuits when at the beach.
“This is greatest invention since sliced Brett!”
—Cannibals
If anyone is feeling hysterical please stop by my house and I will slap you
DAD GUIDE ON HOW TO WATCH A MOVIE:
1) put on a movie
2) don’t watch it
3) read a book
4) every time something happens ask what happened
Cop: Why did you burn that building down?
Me: Because they keep sending emails after unsubscribing.
Cop: You’re free to go.
I don’t want to read my texts. My mom sent me 5 fast, long texts in a row just now & I glanced & the last text is just the dictionary definition of the word “hullabaloo.”
I’m crying and wearing a falcon glove so I get sympathy sex from people who think my falcon flew away.
1800’s ship captain: This expedition will be the most dangerous undertaking and we all may well perish on the journey. We should bring a monkey with us. It will live in my room.
Me: Goodnight, see you in the morning
3: Goodnight, see you in a minute
#DidYouKnow?
As I handed my dad his 50th birthday card he looked at me with tears in his eyes and said, “son you know one card would have been enough” . 😂🤣
My husband asked me why I never blink during sex, I told him there just isn’t enough time.
Friend: I’m getting married
Me: OMG, I’m so sorry. How long do you have?
[heaven]
IAN: I only regret the things I didn’t do
ME: Me too
I: Like, I didn’t swim with dolphins. You?
M: I didn’t stop poking a bear
This impeachment is taking forever. I told you we should’ve bought impeachment pro. Now we have to watch all of these ads.
if I worked behind some kind of counter, every day I would simply wear a sleeping cap, and have two tip jars, labeled “honk shoo” and “mimimimimi”
I was going to pay the taxi driver with my leftovers from lunch but that wouldn’t be fare to him
He held up my pants and said “Are you sure these are yours? They look small. You can fit in these??”
Judge: Not guilty. You’re free to go.
Unfortunately I’ve determined that sucking up is part of human nature because it works and yes my boss DID look very nice today…
I’m hereby calling for all hotels to agree on one(1) shower control mechanism, life is precious and I cannot waste any more of it solving these ancient riddles
Don’t ever forget where you came from. That’s most likely where you left your car.
this is the best day of my life
After the hipster got his girl pregnant, he wouldn’t shut up about how he was into her before she got big.
I’m creating a new perfume for introverts.
It’s called: Leave Me The Fu Cologne.
My boss: So… [dramatic pause]
Me, uncomfortable with silence: …a needle pulling thread?
I may not understand women, but cheeseburgers have never sent me mixed signals, and for that they’ll always have my heart.
Love this joke:
Apparently one of the symptoms of COVID-19 is having no taste. Looking back on all my exes, I think I’ve been infected for years!
thank us. at 3rd floor. hit yourself. you will. 3 months. from now.
Husband: When I introduce you to my boss, please don’t be weird
Me: Me? Weird??
Husband: PLEASE
[ Later ]
Me, air kissing his boss’s hand: Bonjour