“The first rule of Fight Club is: You do not talk-”
*Greg burps*
“-actually, you know what, Greg? It’s manners. The first rule is manners.”
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her: I don’t usually attend funerals because everyone cries so much
me: *points at coffin* well not everyone
“What’s this switch for?” he asked.
“No idea,” she said. She flipped it on. Off. “Nothing?”
Somewhere, a writer had an idea. Then lost it.
I want to learn scuba diving but I’m terrified of the orchestral music in underwater documentaries.
Used to work with a grumpy older guy called Philip Eno and I was always too scared to ask if he was related to Brian Eno. Anyway, years later I actually met Brian and I said to him: “Is your brother Philip Eno?”. He replied: “No, he’s English”.
Just seconds before we make the jump to light speed the captain nears my console to check my calculations. I minimise solitaire just in time
playing my favorite songs that no ones enjoying but me
my doctor says eating red meat is like a steak thru my heart
Me: there’s a swarm of beets outside
Her: you mean bees?
[loud thud on the window]
Me: get the gun
My buddy’s PRETTY drunk…
So I took the car key off of his keychain…
He’s been trying to start his car with a house key for 4 hours now
When I’m feeling dangerous I like to play food poisoning roulette with the corner fast food sushi spot.
Sad thing is, they probably never even gave it a chance
How to tell if your kid is doing drugs
1. Are your drugs missing?
When I find someone else’s grocery list in a shopping cart I use it….see where it takes me.
Not sure why I am thinking tonight about our elderly neighbor when I was 7, who had giant bountiful pear trees on his property. One day he stopped by unexpectedly with a bushel of pears, and after my mom, surprised and delighted, had thanked him, he handed her a bill for them.
Allegiant airlines charges for a glass of water but you know what’s free? Ice. Now we wait.
A dragonfly just landed on my face an I reacted the same way I’d react if an actual dragon had landed on my face.
What kind of cheese do you pair with a rare bottle of ‘08 Lysol?
JUDITH! FETCH MY EVIL PLAN GLASSES!
*2 hours later has organised a small festival*
Dammit Judith, these are my party planning glasses!
Wife: What is twitter?
Me: Hold on a sec, I gotta go to the bathroom. *flushes iphone down toilet*
Finished my book on how to fall down the stairs, it’s a step by step guide.
The biggest mystery of our time
I sharpened all my kitchen knives today. Now I can’t help but slice everything as if I’m in an infomercial.
“Well, well, well, your true color finally comes out,” I say to my bruise.
of course i’m gonna put all my eggs in one basket??? what’s the alternative, carrying like 12 different baskets for each egg? that’s impractical, i would look like a fool
Welcome to parenthood. Every piece of trash in your house is now a makeshift toy that you are not allowed to throw out.
rapatouille
When I ask if I can pet somebody’s dog and they say no, I obviously respect their wishes but I always feel awkward after. Like what do I with my hands now that there’s no dog. Oh no we’re walking in the same direction too
Finding the smoke alarm with the dying battery is just the adult version of Marco Polo.
What a spectacular disaster may I get your recipe?
Happens to everyone.
