“The first rule of Fight Club is: You do not talk-”
*Greg burps*
“-actually, you know what, Greg? It’s manners. The first rule is manners.”
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if I were a pediatrician, I’d answer my phone:
“NO MORE MONKEYS JUMPING ON THE BED”
HOLD YOUR HORSES. TELL YOUR HORSES YOU LOVE THEM. DONT BE TOO STRICT WITH YOUR HORSES OR THEY’LL DATE OLDER HORSES GET TATTOOS & HAVE PONIES
Want to know the real reason behind the egg shortage?
Henopause
Annnd, send tweet.
Excuse me, I’m sorry to interrupt but woodpecker tongues go all the way the hell around the top of their skulls like some kind of insane deli ticket machine
How am I today? Well it’s officially day four of me arguing in my mind with a person who took my spot in line for party balloons
[at park, walking puppy]
Stranger: ‘Aww such a cutie…how old?’
Me: *blushing* ‘Thank you. 49.’
Hung my Christmas lights on the house across the street so I can see them.
Imagine being 5 minutes from the end of the longest movie ever & it starts over because it forgot something. That’s my kid telling a story.
Subway Guy: Enjoy your sandwich
Me: You too!
Subway Guy:
Me:
Me: *gives him my sandwich* this is yours now
[Wheel of Fortune]
Puzzle: _’_ L_ _E T_ S_ L_E T_E _ _ _ _LE
Contestant: “I’d like to solve the puzzle.”
Pat Sajak: “Okay.”
Contestant: “I’d like to solve the puzzle.”
Pat Sajak: “Okay.”
Hip-hop is 50 years old. It wants you to stay off it’s lawn. And stop playing that music so loud.
*gets bitten
*becomes shy shy
If you’ve ever wondered what it’s like to try to dress a jelly fish, here, try to get pants on my toddler
Tried escaping the morning crazies by drinking my coffee on the patio but it turns out the morning crazies have legs and arms and they just followed me out there
Go to an open house and ask the realtor if they’ll stand in the basement with the door closed so you can hear if screams are audible outside
Sober me:
It would be convenient to have a urinal in my house.
Drunk me:
A urinal! *pees in sink*
Satan cannot be everywhere,
So Relatives were created..
My kid spends so much time at the nurse’s office she now has a medical degree.
Roman: Any last words?
Jesus: I’ll be back.
Maybe the Titanic sank because there were too many cats onboard, you don’t know.
Doctor: We need you to spit in this cup.
Me, making unbroken eye contact: Ptooey.
Did you know there’s a type of spider that eats snails and uses the shell as armor to attack birds? That’s not true. I’m sorry.
Godzilla’s attack on Tokyo was revenge for the hours he wasted watching Dragonball GT disgrace the legacy of Dragonball Z.
[First day as a crime scene photographer]
Detective: please stop telling the corpse to “work it”
I’m invited to a wedding this weekend.
I have two days to come up with a disease or cut off a finger.
Why do they call it sweeping the leg and not defeeting your opponent?
It was supposed to rain this morning and didn’t, which is rude to the sweatpants sofa plans I made.
How to dress when you are a woman over forty:
1. Be a woman over forty
2. Put your clothes on