“The first rule of Fight Club is: You do not talk-”
*Greg burps*
“-actually, you know what, Greg? It’s manners. The first rule is manners.”
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I’m thru spelling thru “through.”
Enough is enuf.
Every time my Father in law gets trashed, he asks if I’ve lost weight… So naturally I bring a bottle of scotch every time we visit.
why count sheep when I can count my troubles
it’s cool when a dessert has a hint of something, like i’m biting into a tart and suddenly it goes “your wife’s death was not an accident”
Marriage Tip: If your wife goes silent in the middle of an argument, you probably shouldn’t ask if you can go back to mowing lawn.
Leia: *gasps* Chewbacca, you’re naked!
Chewbacca: *hastily puts back on his bandoleer*
I spoke to my doctor and he said, “if you drink every day you are an alcoholic.”
I’m lucky, I only drink every night.
Welcome to your 40’s you are 15-20lbs overweight no matter what and sweat constantly. You irritate anyone under 30, and have 5 years max left before your phone completely confuses you.
airlines should have an option where you can book distances rather than just destinations. here’s 100 bucks, take me as far as that’ll get me. just drop me in the Atlantic ocean, I’ll figure it out.
HER: i love bad boys
ME: [trying to impress] my mom thinks i’m in bed
*detective bangs on table*
I SAID GIVE ME A NAME!
“Uh, Aaron?”
Aaron… I like it!
*’Aaron’ leaves interrogation room, ready for a new life*
Restaurant Customer: clarified butter please
Waiter: (points to butter) THIS IS BUTTER
asked my bf what the red mark on his tummy was and he said “oh, I tried to steam my shirt while wearing it and burned myself.” this is the person I’ve chosen to love.
The dog ate my unified theory of the universe.
I’ve decided to donate my brain to science.
[years later, my brain is used to prop open the Science door]
After Captain America was thawed from the ice, his first encounter with a Japanese-American must’ve been really awkward.
i’m gonna go out on a limb here and say that omg this branch definitely can’t hold my weight and yep i’m going down
CONFIRMED: Pete Davidson is now dating Sims 1 Bella Goth 🫢🫢
If your baby is being extra clingy lately, it’s not because they love you
They’ve seen what 2020 has brought so far and now they want back inside
Sorry, but Spotify sounds like the opposite of a stain remover and why would I want it?
I long for the days when waking up with a “stiff one” wasn’t referring to my lower back.
judas: i would never betray jesus he’s the best
jesus: my favorite movie is the Minions Movie
judas: i am going to betray the son of God
Stop trying to eat garlic bread with your elbow!
…and other things I never said before having kids
My 3-year-old wanted to wash dishes but the dishes weren’t dirty enough for her so she lost her shit. Sometimes 3-year-old’s really *takes deep breath* test your patience.
If you enjoy waking up and checking to see what died, get a fish tank
i wanna see the masterchef jr deleted scenes that HAVE to exist of gordon ramsay calling a kid the c-word for trying to julienne a snickers
Gonna celebrate this weekend by flinging hundreds of frisbees onto my neighbors roofs
How to open a letter:
1. Carefully remove seal
2. Slide your finger unde–okay the seal is back GET THAT SEAL OUT OF THE ROOM NO SEALS ALLO
me: if i follow them, will i see their tweets?
Twitter: absolu-
Twitter algorithm: no.
My husband lost 10 lbs without trying. I’m waiting for him to apologize.