Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Shaking random people on the street shouting ARE YOU THE SHY SISTER is the 2024 cinderella

Your mom doesn’t understand
Your dad doesn’t understand
Your friends don’t understand

But french fries, french fries understand you

Grandma: what’s oversharing?

Me: It’s when you talk about your hemorrhoid surgery on FaceBook.

Pro tip: Turn any sofa into a sofa bed by telling your girl to calm down.

[IKEA meatball recipe]
1/2 lb ground beef
1/2 cup cream
1 small onion finely chopped
4 allen wrenches
20 minute argument
2 tbsp butter
lingonberry or some shit
you’re doing it wrong
salt to taste
just let me do it

*Signs into Facebook

“If you can’t handle me at my worst you don’t deserve me at my best” is posted everywhere

*Agrees

*Deletes Facebook

“Failure is how you grow.”

– my bathroom scale, picking the wrong motivational quote

going on an overnight trip, better pack 7 shirts and 9 pairs of underwear for some reason

At this point, I think the people on “The Walking Dead” are trying to bore the zombies into not biting them.

Girls get so turned on when you take charge. Grab her hair and tell her she needs a shampoo with no harsh sulfates and a new lip stain.

I don’t like the gerbil I become when I’m stuck in a revolving door.

[kisses daughter goodnight]
Sleep tight.

“Daddy, where do babies come from?”

Amazon.

“Why’s it take 9 months?”

Shipping. Go to sleep.

The secret to good barbecued chicken is to marinate them in the sauce for 3 days prior to grilling. The hard part is getting them to sit still.

Lord, give me the confidence and attitude of my toddler at dance class. Amen

The good news is that my appetite has come back. The bad news is that my appetite has come back.

It’s ‘before’ not ‘B4’…

We don’t speak Bingo here…

TV meteorologist: “And now it’s time for the extended forecast (clears throat) foooooorrrrrrecaaaaaaaassssssst”

[Verizon]
SALESMAN: Can I interest you in our friends and family plan?
BATMAN: [just starts crying]

Playdates were invented to force parents to clean their home

Finally got my treadmill setup. I can start making excuses why I’m not using it starting tomorrow.

Who knew that a fighter jet could be a flight risk?

Me: don’t tell mom where we hid her birthday presents.

3yo: I won’t.

Wife: hey guys.

3yo: mom your birthday presents are definitely not under my bed.

Pro tip: fake having telekinesis powers by throwing stuff at people as soon as they’re not looking

“Have you tried divorcing and restarting your marriage?”

– IT Department as marriage counselors

Mistletoe is my favorite Christmas tradition that sounds like a cool as shit superpower.

[Old lady] Please dont pet my dog. She’s a service dog
[Me] Omg I’m so sorry (stands up straight & salutes dog) Thank you for your service

and to my great grandchildren i leave 42,567 screenshots

“You couldn’t handle me at my worst”

OMG, you mean this isn’t it.

And that’s how the fight started.