The first rule of fight club is: you do not tell mom that I let you watch fight club, kids
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Eventually there’ll be another civil war and you’ll still have to go into work.
Me: Don’t you think it’s weird and creepy that you’re 37 years old and still hang out at the high-school you went to?
Wife (who was homeschooled): Shut up. You’re not getting out of coming with me to visit my parents.
“Now I am become Death, the destroyer of worlds.”
– Twitter IT engineer that pressed the button for the 280 character limit update
*throws $100 bill into a wishing well* I wish I was good with money
Walking up to any crime scene & whispering within the crowd, “It’s started again, hasn’t it?” then leaving
Started a hate list & so far I just have myself & the ladle from Jurassic park
Men go to bars for 2 reasons:
1) They don’t have a wife to go home to.
2) They have a wife to go home to.
All I’m saying is if you really want someone to dance with you, you probably shouldn’t tell them to shut up.
My dad never missed an opportunity to work during a family vacation. I never understood why until I had kids.
Welcome to working from home. Something is now always being sawed, mowed, or jackhammered at your neighbor’s house.
Once I saw a post about someone setting up a snail habitat and they included empty snail shells in a tiny graveyard, in case mourning was an essential snail need
Sorry Windows. The only thing a “strong” password will do is lock me out of my own computer when drunk. 1234 it is.
Salad is being recalled. Do you know what’s never been recalled? Oreos.
Couples therapist: So what brought you here today?
Me: An uber haha
Wife: omg this is what I’m talking about!
Couples Therapist: Yes
Wife: He’s hilarious but useless in bed
@spacej_me this lady at a bar was flirting with me and telling me AI’s will take my job and i was like no way and she was like oh for sure and I was like listen lady there’s no way AI will take my job, im unemployed and she stopped flirting with me at that point
gimma back my stick frost man… 😖☃️
Remember when maths teachers said “you won’t have a calculator on you all the time when you’re older” well guess what, I do and I keep it in my pocket right next to my phone
cats are difficult cuz you want to cuddle with them and they’re like this uneven piece of plastic on top of the hard counter is more comfortable.
[dating site message]
So is that blank silhouette in your profile a recent blank silhouette?
waiter: need help with the menu?
me: yes, what’s this word here
waiter: the name of the restaurant, sir
me: and how is that prepared
I swear, my kids will make me drive them to my own funeral. And then to the mall.
If you’re Harpy
and you know it
lay an egg
This is my emotional support chloroform rag
Wife: I’m sorry I had sex with your best friend.
Me: With Harrison? How could you!?
Harrison: woof *wags tail innocently*
Wife: No, your other best friend!
Me: *looks accusingly at my X-Box*
Finally a chicken taxidermy curiosity for the rest of us!
The only thing limiting what you can put in a sandwich is your imagination and the laws of physics.
Elmer Fudd married Bugs Bunny. Twice. I think they had a better shot than you.
– me as a marriage counselor
Dating is great to find the perfect partner for couples therapy
not a total stranger telling me I’d “better find a man before all the good ones are gone,” on the same day Twitter announces a potential dating app. not today, satan
And occasionally she would come back into his life like a burp from a bad pickled egg eaten at a church social.