The first rule of fight club is: you do not tell mom that I let you watch fight club, kids
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[ GUY INVENTING THE LUGE ]
[*Drunk] Hmmm… I wonder what would happen if I slide down this ice mountain on this lawn chair?!
ME: My husband of 20 years minorly annoyed me today
TWITTER: Dump him, queen 💅✨
Shank you.
– a prison flick…or a grateful Sean Connery
Don’t be alarmed when you’re knocking on the Gates of hell and the devil doesn’t answer….He is dealing with me.
Paper jam is the least delicious of all preserves…
”I wonder how long cake is good for before it goes stale?”
*I say to myself as I eat the last slice from a cake made earlier that day
We’ve come full circle
Wind chimes prevent the air from sneaking up on you.
I’m 35 so when I get drunk I just water my plants a little more recklessly than usual.
computer simulation of what the punisher skull looked like when alive
Me: I’m so emotional today
8 ice cream sandwiches: We can help!
THIS IS THE COPS, COME OUT WITH YOUR HANDS UP
“No”
WE WON’T ASK AGAIN
“No”
Ok guys, let’s go. We can’t ask again
When a yoga class gets too challenging, I like to make up my own poses. So far I have Injured Cobra, Distrustful Dog, Wet Cat, Chalk Body Outline, and Drunk White Girl.
Why have I gained weight? I don’t get it. Is it the extra butter on the bread? The extra ham on the butter? The extra cheese on the ham? The extra mayo on the cheese? What?
Officers asking me why I’m speeding like they don’t know people fast during Lent.
Puts all the toys my kids forgot they had in their Easter basket
Me: I have no choice, there is no other way
*puts voodoo doll of myself on tiny exercise bike*
“hottie with a body” implies the existence of “hottie without a body”……how do i become HER
People who design casino/hotel carpets clearly have the best drugs on earth.
I hate when people say “next time you’re in my neck of the woods”
omg this isn’t the prairie Laura, you live across from a Starbucks
I don’t hold a grudge. I need both hands free for the grenade launcher.
[DUI checkpoint]
Cop: I’m gonna need you to follow my finger
Me: As long as it doesn’t tweet inspirational stuff
If you don’t have any friends who have covid right now you’re blessed or you probably don’t have friends
I told my doctor that my back was bothering me. He said, “Get a bar & hang”.
Now I’m hanging out in a bar & I admit, my back feels better.
Not to brag in front of all the other moms at this swim meet, but my kid can swim in slow motion.
legally you can do anything in a library as long as you’re quiet
I dated Spider-Man for a while but my folks hated him. Dad was thoroughly disgusted by his onesie and neat freak Mom kept following him around with a broom.
wile e. coyote running off a cliff and not falling until he looks down except it’s me stopping for a second mid-sentence to think about what i’m saying
Me: *washes hands 97 times a day now*
Also me: *hasn’t washed coffee mug since 2003*
I was told that exercise helps with your decision making. It’s true. After going to the gym earlier I’ve decided I’m never going again.