The first rule of fight club is: you do not tell mom that I let you watch fight club, kids
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Librarian: can I check you out?
Me: sure [spins around]
Librarian: I meant your book
Me: oh yea, that makes way more sense
Nice try girl with a great job and is mentally stable…
Hello crazy chick with anger issues and a knife collection.
me: your dad and i were married 7 yrs before we had you
12: why would you wait so long to have such an amazing experience
Attachment isn’t when 2 ppl chat night and day. When someone emails u and adds an image or data file with it,
THAT FILE IS CALLED ATTACHMENT
[shitfaced at my HS reunion] Has anyone seen the lunch lady
[marriage counseling]
We just don’t see eye to eye
“Because you insist on wearing that stupid pirate hat”
YOU WILL ADDRESS ME AS CAPTAIN
Good cop: be a pal and tell us who did crime
Dad cop: you’re gonna want to be at the airport ten hours before your flight
Alarm system? Yeah right. I’ll defend my home the way my ancestors would have. A series of large painted portraits with peepholes for eyes.
Movie Law:
All computer hackers have to say “We’re in” when they get into “the system”
I helped my kids clean under their beds & we found 37 sticks, 15 rocks & their long-lost brother.
Wife: when did we get a new dishwasher
Me: u said change the dishwasher & stack the baby
Wife: how do u stack a baby
Me: u get other babies
me: if only i could sleep AND get motion sickness
waterbed salesman: you’re not gonna believe this
Well, well, well, if it isn’t the feelings I’ve been trying to avoid.
I lost my dad with a cart full of ginger ale and sweet potato chips at a grocery store and found him arguing about focaccia bread with a manager in case you were wondering how white my parents are.
When I get naked in the bathroom, the shower usually gets turned on.
At least broken people are interesting. You can’t fix boring.
I can’t believe the tasteless and offensive things some people tweet.
Seriously, I just saw a recipe for homemade mac n cheese.. they only used one kind of cheese😳 and they didn’t put the bread crumble on top!!
Doctor: I’m sorry son, it appears you have… Jenga-itis
Me: [trying to pull the doctor’s shoes off without him falling over] is it bad?
I’m at my most ninja when slipping on my seat belt as a cop car pulls up beside me.
o/ = Cheering
/o = The Scream
/o/ = Superman
_o_ = Jesus
lol = I surrender, and I’m laughing out loud about it.
“THE UNIVERSE IS TEACHING ME PATIENCE” I scream zenfully
When I’m old enough, my kids better not leave me alone with a box of Crayolas and anything upholstered
I hate being woken up so if you find me sleeping, let me rest. If you can’t follow that simple rule, next time just hire another pilot.
Friend: Wow, you’ve been happily married for 25 years?! What is your secret?
Me: He travels, A LOT.
I just want to tell everyone how I feel about you!
Ma’am I just need you to sign for these packages.
I’m a 67-year-old obese male with moderate COPD and I’m pretty sure the coronaviruses are passing around pictures of me.
When I play the kazoo, I play to win
Friend: So, how did you two meet?
Husband: In a bar.
Wife: The air had just begun to take a chill, I remember I was wearing a new scarf. Change was in the air, but I had no idea my whole life was about to be turned in upside down. When I walked into the dimly lit pub…
ANNOUNCEMENT: DENIM CLUB MEETING IS CANCELLED. AVERY RIPPED HIS JEAN VEST AT THE SUPERMARKET. HE’S OKAY, BUT VERY UPSET.
*Takes our kid away so my wife can have a break*
*Takes kid to pub*
*Bumps into wife at pub*