Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

i don’t trust someone who says their ideal date is a “hike”

Hope you enjoy my new song, “Part of This Song’s Title Is in Parentheses (For No Reason).”

see you in hell you stupid fruit

Accidentally said “No kidding,” instead of “No problem” after someone thanked me for helping them today, if anyone knows of a nice bridge I can leap from.

A REAL CONVERSATION I HEARD BETWEEN TWO GROWN MEN AT TIRES PLUS:

Man #1: *getting ready to pay* Is it a swipey swipe

Man #2: No it’s a chippy chip

Doctor: How your diet?

Me: My what now?

People who use the lift to go up one floor will be wiped out by natural selection

me: *goes outside during the day* why is the moon is so spicy

Me: I had a meeting with your teachers. They had a lot of good things to say about you, including that you’re super, super smart.

6-year-old: Wait, wait, go back. How many supers?

Taking pity on my neighbors and finally getting motorized blinds on my windows… they’ve suffered enough.

gf: ooh a blindfold, kinky

me: *seductively* ill go get the piñata

Attorney: identity theft is a serious crime

John Jacob Jingleheimerschmidt: i will explain once more

Dr: You’re diabetic. Too much sugar and I’ll have to amputate your legs.

Me: *shoving Cinnabon in mouth* Can I get those cool blade ones?

Peach cobbler so good you can’t even taste the cyanide.

our Lyft driver this evening has plenty of barf bags stashed in the back, automatic 5 stars for him

For six years I have been occasionally going to a friend’s house to play Scrabble. Each time I’ve taken along an extra “E” tile and added it to his set. He is now playing with nine extra Es. He hasn’t actually noticed but complains about have too many Es every time.

No, give me the blue mittens for shoveling. The red ones are for scandal.

[being murdered]

me: this is free, right?

MR. PEANUT: so you expect me to help sell members of my own kind to be eaten by humans?

BOSS: yeah. you get to wear a top hat and a monocle tho

MR. PEANUT: throw in some gloves and a cane and you’ve got yourself a deal

Crayons overthrow royal blue, elect sienna-tors.

CLERK: $3.74
ME: *reaches in pocket & pulls out whole ham* sorry I have cash *reaches back in & pulls out 2nd ham* well this is embarrassing

We’re gonna party like its 1999.

//breaks out Nokia flip phone and starts to panick about Y2K//

Who.
Did.
This?

Him: the risk of getting caught, having sex in a public place is HOT!

Her: ok….. you pick the place

Him: Over there in those dense trees where we won’t get caught

The Bible would be more believable if Adam was tempted by a slice of pizza instead.

for years you mocked us, you made fun of our over-sized purses full of goldfish crumbs, our hair ties on our wrists, our jackets just in case, but who do you need now? who has 6 half-full containers of hand-sanitizer stored in old bags around the house? that’s right. moms.

[caught sneaking spaghetti into a movie theater] It’s OK, I have a medical marinara card.

6:00pm
Me: Hey, Bud. Getting hungry?
4: nope

6:15
Me: almost ready for dinner?
4: not yet

6:25
Me: Time to wash your hands to eat.
4: But I’m not hungry

6:30
Me: are you-
4: I’M STARVINGGG. WHY IS MY FOOD TAKING SO LOOONG? WHEN ARE WE GONNA EEEAT? WHY DON’T YOU LOVE MEEE?

Playing doctor with my 3yo and I’ve been diagnosed as “barely alive” and this pretend play has become wildly realistic.

*cops finds my loose floorboard*

Cop: What’s under here…

*they discover a lifetime supply of hot pockets*

Me: I’d like my lawyer now.