The first rule of fight club is: you do not tell mom that I let you watch fight club, kids
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Boss: hey are those expense reports done yet?
[Me, frantically minimizing a Wikipedia tab on RABIES displayed on a 34″ ultrawide curved monitor]: no
Haters will see you walk on water and say it’s because you can’t swim
The wife: Thinking about getting a tear drop tattoo
Me: Ha, you’ve never killed anyone!
The wife:
My Sherpa girlfriend is too high-mountainance.
Wife: What do you think our song is?
Me: I’d have to say “Happy Birthday”. It’s the song we’ve sung together the most.
Wife: Idiot…
Cliff diving? No thanks. I get all of my near death thrills by rolling my eyes when my wife asks me to move my feet while she vacuums.
[Wakes up in hospital after car crash]
I’m afraid we had to amputate both of your feet.
“OMG why?”
You were too tall to fit in the ambulance
Stephen King: what if there was an *evil* clown
Mary Shelley: what if a corpse came to life
Edgar Allan Poe: oh no a bird!!!
“GO TO YOUR ROOM AND STAY THERE”
KID: *goes kicking and screaming*
TEEN: You can’t do this, I have plans tonight
ADULT: Thank you so much
[final debate]
TRUMP: I’d like to apologize to hillary
MODERATOR: umm ok
HILLARY: umm ok
TRUMP: I brought a gift *hands her a galaxy note 7*
Friend: I can’t stand one-uppers.
Me: I can’t stand them more.
Kid: I love you
Me: to the moon?
Kid: yeah
Me: and back?
Kid: yeah
Me: and back again?
Kid: no, that’s too much love
The Others (2001)
Dudes who take one picture in a suit then start posting about success, just go to the wedding bro.
I hope one of the Four Horsemen of the Apocalypse is single.
DATE: Didn’t you order peppers on your salad? I don’t see any-
ME: *whispers* Ghost peppers
Win every disagreement by saying ” I know. I’m from the future.” Because they can argue with you, but not science.
My 4 year old said he wants to go to JFK for some chicken. He won’t be majoring in history.
Break up by making swimming motion arms every time they want to hold hands.
surgeon: you can’t lift anything over ten pounds for 6 weeks.
me: how am i supposed to pee?
*surgeon high-fives me*
… Eau DeTroit …
#RejectedPerfumeNames
“Shit! Shit! Shit! Shit!” – When man discovered bears can climb trees as well
[About to invent coffee]
Guy: I’m gonna squeeze that bean so hard
Friend: You okay Greg?
I’m not sure I like progress.
I asked my youngest for her Christmas list and she held up her phone and said, “Just scan this QR code.”
Me, in a job interview: My weaknesses? I’d have to say one would be serving customers. Dealing with people in general.
HR: This is a customer service position. It was in the ad title.
Me: Another weakness is attention to detail. But that’s really it.
My wife is such a bad cook,if we leave dental floss in the kitchen the roaches hang themselves.
I always wink at the local Funeral Director, because he will be the last one to see me naked, and I don’t want it to be awkward.
“Listen to your body?” dude my body reflexively blows on yogurt just because I’m eating it with a spoon
Was standing in my front yard last night and some neighborhood kids tried to deflate me.
captain: listen up, i need some help writing the number two in roman numerals
crew: I I captain