The first rule of Hide a Vegetable in a Sentence Club is always be true to yourself.
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toddler: Close your eyes and open your mouth
me [about to get hit with a bat]
me: hips like a canadian goose
girl in club: is that good?
Interviewer: give me an example of when you’ve been a team player
Me: once my friend wanted to sleep with this girl but she was married
Interviewer: and you?
Me: distracted her husband with an interview
Harry Potter & the Deathly Hallows (2011) A bunch of adults trash a high school bc a noseless man thinks a child is better than him at magic
Spent 10mins fighting a spider last night before finding out it was a flake of cardboard
I’m fine
One good thing about this heatwave is that no one is hiding in your backseat to try to kill you.
some guy in the 7-eleven said “it was only a kiss” into his phone and the other 3 of us in the store all yelled IT WAS ONLY A KISS anyway i think he is gonna be getting divorced soon
A sick whale is called an unwhale
Wife: we argue a lot about money
Therapist: well that’s not uncommon among coupl-
Me: Andrew Jackson was a genocidal murderer and should be taken off the twenty dollar bill. I am not budging on this, Diane.
I once wanted to be a famous singer, but now I just go to a bunch of concerts because my hearing is good and my voice is not..
Jury duty would be a lot more popular if they gave everyone a turn with the gavel
Co-worker: How are you today?
Me: *starts writing death threats on the wall in period blood.*
My mother in law did not appreciate my request she “say hello to jesus for me” on her way out the door for mass
I’m going on my first date in years, and I’ve forgotten the proper etiquette. Do I cry after dessert, or when he’s paid the bill?
I just ate an apple to keep doctors off me, now what do I need to eat to dodge the cops?
HER: how was your day?
ME: you know in Die Hard when he runs barefoot over broken glass?
HER: it was that bad??
ME: oh no, it’s just a cool scene…my day was decent
My favorite sound in the world is my kids laughter.
A close second is when their breathing changes indicating they’ve fallen asleep thus giving me permission to stare at my phone peacefully
If you’d just let me explain, you’d be even angrier.
Them: Good morning
Me: Where?
Golf fans be like “what’s your favorite club?”. It’s chicken, my dude, followed by soda
Mom, look at my diarrhea.
— My 5yo holding up the diary I bought him at his school’s Scholastic book fair
My dog reacts to the vacuum cleaner the same way I react when my wife says “We need to talk”.
It’s not cheating. Or money issues. Leaving drawers and cabinets open is the true test of a marriage.
Much like a fairy tale princess I will sit here and wither away until some man somewhere is brave enough to bring me soup.
*takes selfie, sends to wife*
Wife: “No.”
*takes pants off*
*tries on another pair in The Gap change room*
*takes selfie, sends to wife*
I’m wearing a tuxedo to work today in protest of casual Friday.
Just taught my son how to use a hand dryer, and of course the last step was, “and then wipe them on your pants.”
Never understood the desperation behind placing ur order in English at KFC/McD. Heard a guy practicing his order while sanding in the queue.