The first rule of Hide a Vegetable in a Sentence Club is always be true to yourself.
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My villain origin story is seeing the Twitter ad for the dog pooping toothpaste 1000 times in a day and finally snapping.
WIFE: honey?
ME: yes dear
WIFE: did something hit the car
ME: yes deer
WIFE: do you know what it was
ME: yes deer
WIFE: was it an animal
ME: yes deer
WIFE: was it a rabbit
ME: no deer
Now that I’m on Twitter, I can finally put that English degree I obtained to some use…
Me: have a great eye for detail
Also me: couldn’t tell when they changed doctors on Dr. Who
I’ve been a single mom for over a year and have not experienced my meet cute for my future husband in the grocery store…wtf
It took me three decades to become an overnight success.
A taser but for people who say “it is what it is”.
Me: I want to buy a keyboard
Yamaha: yep
Me: … and a guitar
Yamaha: yeah we got you bro
Me: also weird q but do you know where i can find a jet ski?
Yamaha: you’re not gonna believe this
Her: you’re damaged goods
Me *thinking*: she thinks I’m good!
A lot to unpack here…
But…girl rabbits don’t either.
Also…does Christ lay eggs?
Usually before i join a teams meeting, i mute my mic. this morning i joined a call and thought i hit mute but i did not. as i joined i let out a huge long sigh that 22 people got to hear. now i need to find a new job.
“College looks so fun I bet your camera roll is insane”
My camera roll:
My youngest found an “I’m a big sister” t-shirt, wore it to camp, and now it’ll take 9 months till the neighborhood believes I’m not pregnant
Venus Williams should marry Bruno Mars and become Venus Mars.
Instead of asking my kid if she’s brushed her hair, I ask if she’s cured cancer. I figure if I’m gonna be disappointed by the answer it might as well be about something really big
It seems like every time I consider arson, the price of gas goes up.
Got escorted out of a Chili’s happy hour for what the police are calling a “Weaponized Ponytail”
[bankruptcy court]
JUDGE: *rubbing bridge of nose* Says here you bought 1000 bouncy castles?
ME: *lips on mic* For my kingdom, Your Honor
Ladies: The “silent treatment” is not a punishment. Try the “sit next to him and cry and or frown excessively treatment” instead.
I’m writing a book about how to come up with imaginative titles called “How to come up with imaginative titles – a book’.
I’m seriously considering adoption who wants me.
Just saved $60,000 by telling my kid she already graduated from Parallel University.
Time flies when you duct tape an alarm clock to a pelican.
Summer break is cool because I won’t be alone for the next 2000 hours of my life but at least I won’t have to pack anyone a lunch.
Them: Who hurt you?
Me: *takes deep breath*
Dinosaurs never could’ve survived til the present day. Could you imagine a stegosaurus in a Honda Civic? It’d be totally ridiculous in 2017.
“If something goes wrong, we’ll just go to a blue DOS screen and dump out an indecipherable log of what happened”.
This was a choice made.
Judge: I don’t think you understand the gravity of the situation
Me: *floating*
*uses Oujia board*
ＳＭＥＬＬＳ ＬＩＫＥ ＵＰＤＯＧ
me: what’s updog?
ＮＯＴ ＭＵＣＨ, ＤＯＧ, ＪＵＳＴ ＡＢＯＵＴ ＴＯ ＰＯＳＳＥＳＳ ＹＯＵＲ ＣＡＴ
me: what
cat: what
SINCERE STUPID QUESTION:
was peter parker funny and quippy like he is when fighting as spider-man BEFORE he got his powers also, or did he get some kind of enhanced spider-sense of humor?
ARE SPIDERS VERY FUNNY NATURALLY?