Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

I found a doctor online and I was happy because I could sign up for an appointment without contacting anybody. Since 3:15pm yesterday, I have received 13 contacts from them for today’s appointment.

[police interrogation room]

Officer: you’ve been identified as the runner who..

Me: Let me stop you right there.

i will not order eggs in a restaurant unless the chef personally lays them

would u rather live through 2020 again or that year where every public place was simultaneously playing radioactive by imagine dragons all the time

Want to lose weight for the Summer? Don’t worry, simply check-in your bags here. That’s 23 kilos you’ll never see again.

in a world where big data threatens to commodify our lives,. telling online surveys that i “Dont know” what pringles are constitutes Heroism

I want to see the look on the burglar’s face when he opens the drawer full of soy sauce packets, wetnaps, & individually wrapped sporks.

My sister got that phone call from school that everyone fears… her kid has LICE, so she asked me what to do and I told her to pick up lots of wine because if she’s going to have lice then she might as well be drunk and have lice.

I have a thing for older men. Not cuz I have ‘daddy issues’, but because I also like to eat dinner at 4:30 and be asleep by 8pm.

Therapist: Go to your happy place

Me: Ok

Therapist: Good, where are you?

Me: In a bathtub full of Sausage Egg McMuffins

Therapist: I’m sorry, what?

Me: The beach, I said the beach

It’s about time you stopped being a bystander and became a passerby.

does anyone else pack underwear like they’re going to shit themselves every single day of a trip?

Yeah. This was me today.

The best way to dry off a wet baby is to leave him in a jar of rice overnight.

If being sexy is a crime then I’m not committing one.

Me *retaining absolutely nothing you just said*: Yeah, got all that.

[last day at job]

“You’ve made my life a misery, I hate you all”

[remembers my car is in the garage and I need a lift]

“Not you tho Phil”

[God is taking a nap]
Prankster Angel: Um yea hi, Abraham? This is God. *trying super hard not to laugh* You need to kill your son.

A beautiful summer day, the knee hairs I missed the last 4 times shaving my legs blowing in the breeze from the car’s a/c vent.

Establish dominance on rival dads by rubbing sunscreen on your kids, right when they’re getting yelled at for not bringing sunscreen

I broke my tool for painting Easter decorations. I’m having an egg shell stencil crisis.

Don’t worry, my tweet. Not all tweets can be winners… Daddy loves you just as much.

he looks great for his age

*does the robot*

*crowd goes wild*

*gets arrested at Sharper Image for having sex with one of their products*

*gets followed*

Me: thanks for following me! Now I’m going to like 467 of your tweets

I tried to kill a bug with febreeze but it didn’t work and now the room smells like lilac and fear.

My daughter and niece have a new game where they pretend to be grannies and the game is just them loudly complaining about things in old lady voices. Anyway I’m waiting for my turn to play

Sure, you can clean your house while the kids are home. You could also shovel your driveway with a spoon during a blizzard. When it comes to wasting time, the possibilities are endless.

My dog: I need to go out
Me: it’s raining
Dog: out NOW
M: Okay but it’s raining
Dog: *walks outside* oh shit, it’s raining

do you think crabs are self-conscious about walking sideways everywhere or do they think everyone else has the problem