The first rule of Hide a Vegetable in a Sentence Club is always be true to yourself.
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Hey vegans. Making a salad is not “cooking”. Making a salad is “assembling”.
Your kid says “don’t worry I take care of it” but you don’t know what “it” is.
Farmer Dad: Having a good party son?
Farmer Son: No. The music sucks.
FD: Well then-
FS: Don’t.
FD: Lettuce turnip the beet.
*Hour 3 in the trampoline park*
My oldest has said “watch this” 212 times
My youngest is running wild in a pack of feral six-year-olds
A woman screams in the distance “Jaden, Jaxon”
There is still no bar
In an effort to keep the employees motivated and increase morale, my boss has asked me to stop talking to everyone.
Asking to see a psychics Wordle score before I pay them
I’ll pleasure you in ways you never thought possible like vacuuming and doing dishes
If you ever feel shitty about mispronouncing a word you’ve never used in speech, then know that nothing could be worse than the way I said ‘banal’ in front of an entire company
If you cut your goat in half you’ll have two goats, that’s just simple math.
Dad: I’m so hungry.
Me: Hi, so hungry I’m son!
*Dad turns head very slowly*
[camera cuts to Dad patting down pile of dirt with shovel]
Cleanliness is next to godliness in a dictionary missing some stuff
I just went for a morning run on the beach so it’s nice to know that exercise can ruin any setting.
OMG. My wife’s boyfriend made such a fuss when I told his parents at dinner about how noisy those two are in bed.
I fake the art of fainting so well my favorite restaurant now refers to me as “Low Blood Sugar Girl” while rushing my limp body to a table.
“a quiet place” sequel cALLED “A LOUD PLACE” WHERE EVERYONE HAS TO KEEP SHOUTING AND MAKING ALL SORTS OF RUCKUS TO AVOID CREATURES THAT HUNT SILENCE
lost boys: how’d the prank on captain hook go?
peter pan: oh you guys are gonna love this HAHA I cut off his hand LOL and i FED IT TO THE CROCODILE 🙂
lost boys:
peter pan: so funny
lost boys: you’re a sociopath
My “get up and go” got up and left years ago.
*Brings a hammer to a thumb war.*
*getting eyelashes done* just glue them shut I’ve seen enough
kinda fun if literal: earwigs
me: here’s a glass of ice, ma’am
girl: i asked for water
me: patience, Linda
I love how my car’s check engine light turns off. Of course this means the engine has healed on its own.
wife: you forgot to take the garbage out
me: sorry. I’ll take 2 garbages out tonight
If you ever feel dumb, remember sometimes sloths grab their own arms thinking they are tree branches and fall to the ground.
Wait. Those Nigerian girls are still missing??
What about that really cool hashtag we made?
They didn’t free them when they saw it??
I’m here to express deep thanks to the wet tissue I just found in the wash that helpfully crushed itself into a little ball instead of exploding like glitter over the surface of every wet garment
Every time I eat a banana in public, a stranger offers me money to do it in private.
I ate 32 bananas today & made $725.
I have diarrhea.
[flops on the ground like a fish whenever I have to make a decision]
[invention of Moist Towelette]
So, we’ve got a product that everyone will use, now let’s give it a name nobody wants to say