The first rule of hydration club is where is your restroom?
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The reason that aliens have never visited us is because our solar system has received terrible reviews.
We only have one star.
Summer vacation would probably be a little more relaxing if these kids were vacationing somewhere else.
I went to a job interview, and it didn’t go well.
How was I supposed to know HTML doesn’t mean how to make lasagna?
I mean, I don’t know how to make lasagna either, but they didn’t know that.
Garlic and bread is the only marriage I truly have faith in.
[home schooling, day 1]
Me: I know this is hard.
12:
Me: I know it’s frustrating.
12:
Me: But we’ll get through it.
12:
Me: Now explain this math to me just once more, I’m very close to understanding it.
*Hamburglar returns home with bag of hamburgers*
*his wife, holding a crying baby, slaps the bag out of his hands*
“WE NEED MONEY, DAMMIT!”
*maintains eye contact while slowly putting in ear buds as you’re talking to me*
God [creating centipedes]: *falls asleep with elbow on the legs button*
Tired of the cults I join going bankrupt so now I ask to see the prophet and loss statement.
I hope the rapture makes the line at the dinner buffet shorter.
Microsoft Word just suggested that I change “you’re” to “you is” so yes, I am very very afraid of what the future of education holds.
Just remembered when out of embarrassment I told a train passenger I was crying because my boyfriend dumped me when the real reason was I was listening to the Lion King soundtrack
If you’re reading this, congratulations on not being raptured. Im glad you’re still here.
Me: can I check my account balance?
Sperm bank employee: it doesn’t work like that
#NeverForget
I threw the ball out into the backyard, the dog started runnin’ on the hardwood floor to give chase, lost traction and skidded sideways out the door like she was trying to block the Suez Canal.
[text]
Her: I picked up buffalo wings.
Me: * moves furniture around
* rolls out plastic sheeting
It hasn’t rained in so long that the grass resembles shredded wheat. So maybe I should just add milk instead of water…
Named my hamster Spam so when he dies I can bury him in a little tin coffin with his name on it.
Everything started to go south when I realized I didn’t know how to read a map.
At least, I think it went south.
Just read a few inspirational tweets about courage and confidence and GUESS WHO IS GOING TO ROB A BANK TONIGHT?!!
Loyalty is very important for my wife…
My girlfriend doesn’t care.
Funny how different sisters can be! 😜
When people tell me “You’re going to regret that in the morning”, I sleep til noon because I am a problem solver
“Is Pepsi okay?”
– waitress slowly leafing through Pepsi’s disturbing drawings.
Joseph: 3 minutes BC
Mary: Aaarghhhhhh
Joseph: 2 minutes BC
Mary: STOP DOING THAAARGGHHH THE BABY’S COMING!
Joseph: 1 minute BC
Mary: JESUS CHRIST
My wife would bring a hoodie to the Sun “just in case.”
I’d like to live in a small town where they still do festivals, play fun games and raffles, bake pies and other delicious food, and sacrifice to the Gods..
oh shit
“work hard so your future self can live a good life”
pfft, what has he ever done for me?
hitman: [about to jump out of my closet]
me: [walks in wearing nothing but a cowboy hat] alexa play dancing queen
hitman: