Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Sometimes, when I’m in a deep contemplative mood, I wonder what ants get in their pants…

If self driving cars are the thing of the future could you imagine how that’s going to change the repossession game? Imagine missing a payment and your Subaru just starts backing itself down the driveway.

Chef: I like it when the roast beef falls apart.

Roast beef: *starts talking about its ex-boyfriend*

Me: *takes off headphones and puts air guitar down* what?

Flight attendant: I need you to sit

me: so there’s nothing you can do to help?
doctor: no, you’re just going to have to live with it I’m afraid
me: [takes baby] ugh fine

How dare room service question “how many people” I need 8 mimosas for 🙄

what’s the point of a quarantine if I’m not going to be quarantined with my incredibly beautiful mortal nemesis for days on end until our sexual tension builds and we fall in love but before we have the chance to kiss the quarantine ends and we must go our separate ways

when ppl hold the baby and the baby cries & parents say “oh he’s just tired,” we’re lying, the baby really does hate you

I just let a raccoon loose in my kitchen just so I’d have something to do tomorrow.

I don’t get why you have to call my wife *librarian ignores me while on phone* “your husband is here trying to check out a book about ramps”

Allow me to play for you the song of my people

*Sound of chip bag opening*

i get a version of this tweet a lot. and i feel like i finally nailed the reply today.
so, ya know, showing off!

I’m exceptionally skilled at accomplishing absolutely nothing while screwing something up, therefore accomplishing less than zilch.

Me googling: why do chickens get to run around with no head but humans don’t?

Google response: Why Am I Single Quiz – Take This Quiz To Find Out

My wife said she’d leave me if I didn’t stop using terrible similes, but like a horse scuba diving, I couldn’t stop.

I’m “When I get a haircut I think she cuts more hair off my ears and eyebrows than my head” years old.

6yo: Wow you look much better already daddy! Will you be able to have the stitches out soon?

Taxidermist: He will not

“your password is too weak” just wait until you see my impulse control

Welcome to your 40s. Your expensive designer shoes are prescription.

Boss: Ur fired
Me: Why?
[his phone rings & I instinctively drop-kick it out a window]
B: That
Me: My powers?
B: Call it what u want, but yes

living with your parents
pros: it’s free
cons: everything else

Sales of wood-chippers have gone way up as the quarantine has continued. That makes sense on farms, but most buyers are apartment dwellers.

I hate to get all political but unity begins with universal cell phone chargers

It’s weird how we get born in the same city as our favorite sports teams

“Mrs. Doubtfire” is my favorite movie about a messy custody battle that gives way to horribly illegal and creepy transgendered stalking.

Apparently speed dating doesn’t involve taking amphetamines. UGH.
Worst night ever.

If I come home from work and my wife is gone, I always think the worst has happened. I forgot something she said we were doing that night.

when the ice cream man drives down my street I walk alongside him screaming TAKE ME WITH YOU I WILL BEAR YOU MANY STRONG SONS

I AM THE MAN OF THIS HOUSE AND WHAT I SAY GOES in one ear and out the other.

Him: I won’t bore you with the details.

Me: Too late for that.