The first rule of Illiteracy Club is no reading. That was a test, and you failed. You’re failing now. You’re not welcome in Illiteracy Club.
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Precious was concerned about how long it was taking to make a snack choice.
BEST FRIEND: Dude I’m broke!
ME: …
DAUGHTER: I have to sell my house!
ME: …
BROTHER: I have NOTHING, you took it ALL!
ANGEL ON SHOULDER: You should help them.
MONOPOLY GUY ON OTHER SHOULDER: FINISH THEM!
The actors are getting so old in the Fast and Furious franchise, the next movie will be them stuck in a grocery store parking lot
I took the PBJ out a couple of times, but things got stale, my relationship with the milk soured quickly, and I wouldn’t really call what that bagel and I did “dating.”
Listen, it took 5 Guys to make that burger. That’s why it’s $16.99.
Thoughts and Prayers aren’t working, it’s time to start pitching folks into a volcano
PRO TIP: If a girl in a hot bikini DMs you about crypto, ignore him.
‘why do people post shit online that never happened just for likes and attention’ my cat asked me
Kind of cruel how preschool and the Muffin Man teach girls that they might one day find a guy made entirely out of muffins.
why are the variants starting to sound like new iphones 😭
[i wake up confused]
KIDNAPPER: youll never guess where we are!
ME: [observing floor tile pattern] this is a Dennys bathroom
KIDNAPPER: shit
My boss asked if I had Facebook and I said sure and gave up the link. Then she asked about twitter. After an awkward silence I said, huh?
What’s the smallest amount of money you would reach into a toilet to get? Mine is a skittle.
i will be the first to admit when something is my fault, it really undercuts the other people blaming me for things
A good anvil is very expensive. It would be great if they fell out of the sky once in a while.
DOCTOR: How often do you exercise?
ME: 3 times
DOCTOR: A week? A month?
ME: I have given my answer
I’ll usually order the chicken sandwich. I like my food to be more cowardly than I am.
There’s a big crane across the street from my work and I want it to reach over the street to us and deliver snacks at our front door
There are two good reasons never to drink water from the toilet. No 1 and No 2s!
Homeschooling day 1: trying to get this kid transferred out of my class.
My Mum on football…
Mum “If I was a player I wouldn’t want the responsibility”
Me “Of what?”
Mum “The ball. I’d pretend I was busy”
ME: I can’t believe he ruined my life.
THERAPIST: Who?
ME: *points at myself* This idiot.
My daughter fell hard while we were hiking, so my 3-yr old niece starts punching the ground where she fell and yelling, “I don’t like you hurting my cousin!” She’s gonna be a bodyguard or a felon one day, folks. I’m just not sure which one yet.
I took my kids’ screens away so we could spend some quality time together and it turns out they are really terrible to be around
My knight in shining armor comes in liquid form.
Me: Ugh, no more wine! My face looks puffy!
Me, 20 minutes later: *sips a glass of wine while wearing gel face mask*
Some things you recycle, some you throw away. For example: Paper & plastic you recycle. Opportunities, love and your future you throw away.
You fuckers don’t deserve a new year, look at the mess you made of the last one.
