The first rule of Illiteracy Club is no reading. That was a test, and you failed. You’re failing now. You’re not welcome in Illiteracy Club.
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(first day as a bartender)
customer: fifth of scotch.
me: cool. i’m half Puerto Rican.
When I get new followers I lean in close and whisper to their avi:
“You’ve chosen wisely, Grasshopper.”
If you aren’t amazed by a plant showing up after you put a seed in the ground, we have nothing to talk about. Unless you’re like, really hot.
Just send him 60 texts explaining how you understand he needs his alone time.
Went onto the patio and found out that my daughter is in the process of making fake dog doo with insulating foam sealant. Do I ask or just let nature take its course? #QuarantineCrafts
[to wife on phone] yes spend all our life savings on honey
W: but-
PLS JUST DO IT
*ends phonecall*
BEAR [holding gun to my head]: u did good
WITCH (using her broom for just sweeping): did we give up our dreams?
WIZARD (using his pointy hat as a piping bag for cupcake icing): yes
If my yogurt drink which included “billions of live and active cultures” expired three days ago, did I just have a mass funeral in my belly?
Never understood why ghosts haunt old, dusty houses. If I was a ghost I’d haunt Hawaii or Bali
Pollen is what happens when flowers can’t keep it in their plants.
One day I hope the bravery of the people who initiate clapping is recognized.
“It gets better”
– vague
– passive
– civil“Time will put your enemies in the ground”
– specific
– threatening
– goal oriented
interviewer: can you explain these gaps in your resume?
me: umm I believe those are from the space bar
Never tell me to “make myself at home”…i’m just gonna eat all your cheese and then take a nap.
Therapist: where do you think your fear of chickens came from?
me: well, I am not certain but
If you say “it’s twelve noon,” I assume you eat cow beef and didn’t do well at education school
I changed my mind..🐕🐾🍪😅
Terminator: Come with me if you want to live.
Me: No.
Dad: *puts arm around my shoulder* Just remember son, if it doesn’t go well it’s always ok to just dust yourself off and try again until you get it right
*his eyes flicker to my younger brother for just a split second too long*
Benefits of dating me:
1. You’re the smart one
The best thing about being kidnapped is it’s like an automatic best friend who can’t let you leave or you’ll go to the police.
Bear Grylls: *cuts with knife* These can be edible, but I must avoid the toxic parts.
Taco Bell Manager: You need permission to film in here
Netflix: Are you still watching?
Me: Yes. I like to watch.
Netflix: I’m worried about you.
Me: Just play the next episode.
Netflix: When was the last time you saw the sun?
Me: There was an outdoor scene in episode 7. Play on.
If you like someone set them free if they comeback it means nobody liked them set them free again.
A scientist who studies Adam’s apples is called a guyneckologist.
Mom asked me what it’s like being a single middle aged woman so I took a handful of cat & dog hair from my purse and threw it in her coffee.
I live 30 feet from my mother-in-law, Hell holds no surprises.
It isn’t until your kids start talking back that you realize dogs would’ve been a better option.
I never judge a book by its cover.
People, though, I can tell are evil by their stupid faces.