The first rule of Illiteracy Club is no reading. That was a test, and you failed. You’re failing now. You’re not welcome in Illiteracy Club.
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This morning my therapist said more people need to do things without expecting anything in return, so I left without paying her.
Goldfish are the only pets with the decency to die just as the novelty wears off.
Daddy bear: “My porridge is too hot.”
Mummy bear: “My porridge is too cold.”
Baby bear: “Aren’t we supposed to eat fish?
My son just called his mom an “interrupting chicken” so I’m real keen to see how this plays out
not taking the vaccine in case there’s a U2 album in it
daughter: dad I can count to 100 want to hear?
me: absolutely
daughter: ok *deep breath* I’m going to do it in my head. I’ll let you know when I’m done
I was just enviously admiring the energy and flexibility of a 3yo and then he kneed himself in the face.
Me: Your sandwiches are ready
16: My ride just got here early *grabbing a sandwich & taking huge bite*
Me: Take them with you. Those Philly cheesesteaks better get eaten
16: *hug, laughing, taking plate w/him* Mama, 3 teenagers, 1 car, 2 Philly cheesesteaks. They’ll get eaten
if you aren’t someone the church would’ve killed 400 years ago are you even living?
Happy Febuary everyone!
Friend: How do you keep ending up in these situations?!
Me: *slowly pokes head out of dumpster*
🤝
Wife: We are lost
Me: *driving a Nissan Pathfinder* LOL I think we’ll be fine
Siri, make me pancakes.
You have a Blackberry, Linda. Go home, Linda, you’re drunk.
[addressing everyone at my pet possum’s funeral] you guys aren’t gonna believe this
When asked by the creepy guy at the bar “Why aren’t you smiling?” my go-to answer is always “My yeast infection really is bubbling up.”
I just got the lawnmower out and just like magic my sons disappeared
*notices my tinder match has “catholic” in their bio*
me: so how long have u been addicted to cats
Say, hypothetically, I was stuck in an air vent over a dressing room at Lane Bryant. What kind of legal issues am I dealing with?
Asking for a donation like Wikipedia every time someone asks me a question
“Sorry, guys, my mom packed the wrong outfit.”
Victoria’s Secret, how may I help you?
Me: Yeah, um, I ordered the girl on page nine, but you guys only sent me her underpants?
I’m rearranging the kitchen which is devastating for my husband because now suddenly he remembers where everything used to be.
Some woman at my office just said Star Trek when we were all talking about Star Wars and now our IT guy is refusing to fix her computer.
WEAR CLOTHES OTHERS DARE NOT.
Dear parents who line up 45 minutes early in the school pick-up line,
I don’t understand.
[Haunted House]
Ghost:You’ve been here a week
Me: I like you
G:You knew what this was
M: I thought I was your boo
G: I say that to everyone
16,875,547,322 traffic-related bug deaths so far this year
To find out your cat name, pick any name at random and refuse to answer to it.