Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

To the guy who just sent me a Snapchat of him putting his ketchup in the refrigerator, well done. You’ve made a powerful enemy.

So I went to the Doctors yesterday to ask him if he could give me anything for awful wind.
He handed me a kite !!
#mondaymirth

So honored that @funTweeters chose one of my tweets! I absolutely love that site! #FF

Someday a baby’s first words will be “Please take this Ramones shirt off of me, I don’t like their music and this shirt implies that I’m a fan”

My new refrigerator beeps when the door has been left open for too long and so when I’m looking for lunch now I always feel attacked.

[date]

me: *don’t let her know how awkward you are*

her: nice weather

me: thanks

I’d take Cap’n Crunch more seriously if his eyebrows weren’t on his hat.

I make sure my husband thinks about me during the workday by packing him a sandwich that also falls apart for no reason.

I got invited to an acquaintance’s baby shower, I thought I bought teeth rings, I bought this woman’s baby a freaking dog toy. 🙃

Pandas, skunks and zebras are the oldest species on Earth, dating back to long before colour was invented.

When someone tailgates me I let them know I’m angry and watching them, by putting the rear wipers on full speed

I’ll eat when I’m dead

– zombies

Eve: *chewing* what was that thing we weren’t supposed to eat?

God: please tell me you didn’t eat the apple

Eve: *licking fingers* oh haha no

God: …where’s Adam?

It’s all fun and games until someone from real life recognizes you and you realize you’re too small to drag off the body.

“Where was you at?”

I was probably not skipping English class.

I took the battery out of my biological clock and put it in the TV remote.

Then she had the nerve to tell me I had control issues!

I’ll do this part. *takes scalpel from my surgeon*

Surgeon: You should be asleep.

Guy Who Invented Figurative Speech: I’ve got something that’ll blow your minds.
Townspeople: *fleeing in abject terror*

About the only thing I’ve learned from playing Angry Birds is that the pigs could definitely benefit from a comprehensive revamp of their building codes which currently allow construction using unsecured masonry, glass, balloons, and boxes of TNT.

It’s so annoying when you’re trying to poison someone but they’re just not thirsty 🙁

I switched to watching horror movies, because literally anything is less scary.

Therapist: *holding up a stack of cards* look at these ink blots and tell me the first thing that pops into your head.

Squid: danger, predator, escape, fear of death, danger, my mother-in-law, danger.

Therapist: still on the first card.

[3 dads circling new neighbor on their bikes]

“im not looking for any trouble”

all three dads in unison: HI NOT LOOKING FOR TROUBLE IM DAD

Doing more laundry today, seems I have more people living here than I can actually see.

FRIEND: So… being literal is your jam?

ME: No. Being literal is a behavior. It’s not a food.

SOMEONE PARKED IN MY SPOT AT WORK. THAT’S IT. I’M GOING HOME.

Chatting to an old couple there going to Majorca. He was so upset. Said he wished he’d brought his piano with him. I explained that it wouldn’t go in the hold and that he’d be back soon enough. He said he understood that, but he’d left their tickets and passports on it.

“you’re your mother” — full name of cellist yo yo ma

[grounding my son]

me: THAT’S IT! You’re out of the school play!

wife (whispering): he doesn’t actually care about that play

me (whispering): I know, I just really don’t want to go to it

I’m literally crying