The first rule of kite club is you do not talk about Benjamin Franklin.
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Haven’t done a pushup in years. Doesn’t seem right with what’s been going on in the world
Courageously battles through my ice cream headache
My wife asked me to toast some bread for her. So, I raised my beer and said, “Here’s to bread.”
I might be drinking too much…
#Thanos #MondayMood
Whoever first said “No news is good news” never had their cable & Internet go out for two days
Legally, you don’t actually have to ever stop screaming.
Sheepdog: Here are your 40 sheep.
Farmer: But I own only 36.
Sheepdog: I know. I rounded them up.
If I ever got a horse I would name her Grace, just in case I ever fell from her.
“Did you just elect a pope in there?” he asked as the vape cloud billowed from her car window.
was in a meeting that ran over by about 20 minutes and the presenter was not even close to being finished
until a very exasperated nigerian colleague unmuted herself to announce loudly “i am very unhappy with you, barry”
chicken run, though it depicts chickens, touches on a universal human truth. I don’t want to be a pie.
When my kids ask what a word means, I tell them to bring me a dictionary.
Then I smack them with it, and tell them to Google that shit.
Gordon Ramsey: AND WHAT IS THE SECRET SAUCE ON YOUR STEAK?!
Me *nervously hiding the ketchup packet*: It’s tomato wine, chef
You’ll be able to find love if you’re a good person, but first your parents need to die.
-Disney
Detective slams his hands flat on the table:
You need to tell us what you know!Me: I don’t gossip.
Hi you’ve reached my voicemail, this is by far one of the absolute worst ways to get in touch with me….leave a message.
[painfully braiding my jellyfish] but not having you as a friend would hurt more
If someone says they’re a lover not a fighter it’s completely legal to punch them to see if it’s true.
When life gives you lemons, worship the elder Gods. Take candy from a baby. Drink from a trough of blood. Who cares? None of this matters
I’m so out of shape, Internet Explorer could probably run faster than me.
Now I find out my ground hands are actually called feet wtf is going on today
You know that one cow in the field that’s like 200 yards away from all his cow friends just doing his own thing? That’s me. I am that cow.
if doctors are real how come I haven’t seen one in 29 years
My goal is to spend no more than $7 from now until January
Sorry I disappeared for 3 years, I was getting out of a bean bag chair.
Guys waiting their turn for a haircut are a barbercue.
Video games should be banned. My son just threw a turtle shell at a walking mushroom then disappeared down a green tube. Someone call 911.
Me: He’s starting to stir!
Wife: Shhhh.
Me: OH MY GOD…
Wife: Be quiet.
Me: HE’S GOT A KNIFE!
Wife: I hate watching cooking shows with you.
me: grew the baby for 38 weeks, pushed the baby out of my body, spends 99% of my time with the baby
the baby all day long: DADA DADA DADA DADA
Me: How much should I spend on an engagement ring?
Jeweler: 3 months salary on the stone.
Me: *Duct tapes pile of Fruity Pebbles together.