The first rule of kite club is you do not talk about Benjamin Franklin.
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“Can you delete that photo of me? It looks EXACTLY the way I look in real life.”
-People
My band in the 80s was the Sex Poodles. We needed Snoop Dogg.
If your name is Ella and you haven’t opened a seafood restaurant called Salmonella’s, what are you doing with your life?
If you want to romance me, take me to a nice restaurant with good climate control, but not too fancy. I want to wear my jeans and sneakers. Ok just take me to McDonald’s. It’s my second home.
To make a mistake is human. To admit a mistake is stupid.
“Dad, can you tell me what a solar eclipse is?”
No sun.
I’ll always be here for you, unless we run out of beer over here and someone has some over there, then I’ll be over there for you.
I canceled my plans to go swimming because it was threatening to rain. I was OK with getting wet but only on my terms.
Job interview…
H- “So how would you describe yourself?”
Me- “Verbally but just incase I prepared a dance”..
can’t imagine the number of vampires that have been run over since back up cameras on cars were invented.
My 10 yr old was hugging the cat, & whispering to him “I love you so much that you’re the 2nd most loved thing in my life.” Aww, I thought, she’s still mama’s little girl. Then she finished her whisper with “But spaghetti is my favorite thing.”
doing your own taxes
UNZIP – ZIP
UNZIP – ZIP
UNZIP – ZIP
UNZIP – ZIP
UNZIP – ZIP
UNZIP – ZIP
UNZIP – ZIP*looking for condom in my “Beat It” zipper jacket*
95% of the ocean is unexplored which means there could be a mcdonalds down there
Him: *being flirty* I wish we met when we were young enough to still ruin each other’s lives
Me: *flirting back* I can still ruin your life
stop telling me to be the bigger person giants are shunned in our society
[home alone]
murderer: [creeping up behind me]
me, loudly: i hope no one’s about to stab me cuz I’m thinking about making cookies later!
murderer: [pauses] what kind?
Waiter: would you like a lobster bib
Me: [imagining how tiny and cute that would be] obviously
Kind of miss the days when one of the biggest things we as a nation disagreed on was Coke vs. Pepsi.
Googled how to seduce a guy and Google replied – girl if you have to ask it ain’t gonna happen.
There’s a bounce house at the bail bondsman’s office. There’s curiosity in my mind.
it’s amazing how alcohol feels great and also has zero negative longterm side effects
A closed mouth gathers no fries.
Where do avocados come from? Uh, well, when a crocodile loves a pear very much…
[CSI at Starbucks]
“Ma’am you’ve been robbed. Suspect is at large.”
Barista: At what?
“At large”
At what?
“At venti?”
OMG HOW AWFUL!!!
And just then, Frodo realized he’d forgotten to charge his Fitbit before leaving The Shire.
Me: Sometimes I feel like instead of actively listening, you’re just waiting for your turn to talk
Poltergeist: throws dishes
How dare you say I’m crazy on the eve of my cats wedding
NOOO NOT THE DUOLINGO BIRD ON THE GRILL!!!!
Me: I’m meal planning. Is candy corn allowed on keto?
Keto: Please leave our cult.