Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

[At the Rumble]

her *aggressively taking off earrings and heels*

me *desperately trying to find somewhere to set down my ice cream cone*

I am so desperate for summer I’m actually looking forward to wasps.

Kids be like. “Nice bathroom mirror. It would be a shame if I spat toothpaste all over it”

“Yeah, I was hoping you could help us. We’re trying to find a motel that takes cash and doesn’t ask a lot of questions.”

Survivor, except it’s just me holding in my pee while talking to a guest at work.

When the aliens decide to show up from whatever other dimension they are really from, can they please return all my lost socks and bobby pins, thaanks.

I feel like a taco salad is the worst way to eat a taco, and yet, the best way to eat a salad.

The nurse said she needed some urine to test for potassium. “K,” I said. Silence. “I bet everyone makes that joke,” I say. She’s like “In 15 years of nursing not one person has made that joke”

Please accept this lovely parting gift as our way of encouraging you to leave.

HER: I still think you made up that word just so you could win at Scrabble

ME: that’s ridictacular

If you don’t have at least 1 hot neighbor then the hot neighbor is you

Scary is handing your car keys to the same kid who unintentionally locked himself in the bathroom that morning.

hate those people that go 15+ years without talking to you and then the first thing they say when they see you is “hows your mom?” like, dude,, youre my dad, you should know

The fact that homeowners
associations exist is wild to me. You buy an entire house and some lady a couple doors down can tell you that you’re not allowed to display your antique frog statue and you have to pay a fine? insane.

My dog understands four words: his name, food, outside and Antidisestablishmentarianism.

I’m not afraid to double-text, it makes me feel like a Victorian gentleman gently throwing stones at a window to draw a lady out of her chambers

I’m watching a guy on tv who makes a living simply by having opinions about hockey wondering which one of us is the bigger pile of shit.

My daughter’s school held a Multicultural Night at school which was amazing, so gorgeous, informative and fun but I had to put on a good bra so I can only give it a 5/10.

If you play connect the dots with the back acne of a bodybuilder, you get a realistic portrait of Arnold Schwarzenegger

Fun game: Hand everyone who’s ever told you they’re ambidextrous a screwdriver and watch them take down drapes with their non-dominant hand.

My daughter, when I ask her to clean up.

Don’t tell me about your problems. I have to explain to my son why all of his baby teeth are in my nightstand.

Her: Sorry I’m late to work. I was talking to my husband and he wouldn’t stop listening.

ME: I’d like to order…the updog.
WAITER: How would u like that prepared?
ME: um medium well?
W: very good
Me: oh god what have I just done

The husband came home from work, handed me a package and said “I bought you a new toilet seat.”
I took the package and said “yay!” without sarcasm.

Sincerely,
18 years of marriage.

I miss the part of the pandemic when the pizza delivery guy would place my order on a little box and walk away from it like I was royalty.

I’m terrified of all my friends with babies learning that I’ve separately texted each of them: “Wow! That’s the best baby I’ve ever seen!”

I forgot the word bird’s ‘nest’ earlier so I called it a twigloo.

me: [preparing to give eulogy] *takes jacket off*

priest: don’t undress the deceased